TWIOT: Fantasy Football, aka Sports for Nerds

WEIGHT LOSS UPDATE: 300.2 lbs., a net loss of 36.2 lbs. from my starting weight of 336.4 lbs.

NFL training camps are beginning around the country, and football season is around the corner. For most red-blooded male Americans, the NFL provides 21 weeks of drama, excitement and hard-hitting action that is the pinnacle of the sporting calendar. We love football so much that we make it an interactive game. Some of us immerse ourselves in the Madden NFL series so we can have pigskin all year round (Madden '11 comes out two weeks from this past Tuesday... who's taking a Madden holiday?). Some of us use gambling, legal or otherwise, to give ourselves a personal stake in games that we'd otherwise not care about. Still, those among us turn to fantasy football.

While I enjoy Madden and sometimes partake in football betting (LEGAL! *wink wink nudge nudge*), fantasy football is my poison of choice. I'm in at least one league every year, if not two or three. That may sound excessive, but really, it's not. Fantasy football leagues are very low maintenance, like so easy even a caveman could do it... oh shit, I didn't just type that, did I? If Geico's lawyers are on line 1, tell them I'm not here.

*clears throat*

Anyway, all you need to do is submit a starting lineup once a week, make sure the guys on your team are actually playing and aren't hurt, suspended or arrested for a felony and relax on Sunday while you watch all the NFL action your heart can take. Unlike basketball, hockey or baseball, football's one-game-a-week-per-team schedule is conducive for even the fantasy sport newbie to join in and have a good time running a team.

Now, what do I look for in a good fantasy football league? Well, while online drafts are great and sometimes necessary, I prefer a league where the draft is held in person. It's a great excuse for a party in the middle of the summer that doesn't really need to have talk other than about sports to function without revolt. My cousin runs my main league, and for 15 years, the draft has been a grand tradition. He orders pizzas, everyone brings something (I've traditionally brought fresh-out-of-the-fryer Krispy Kreme donuts, and then after they disappeared from north of the Mason/Dixon, fresh baked soft pretzels), and during intermission, we all watch the clip of Napoleon McCallum horiffically breaking his leg. (Pro-tip, don't click through if you have a weak stomach) It's one of the highlights of my summer.

Another good sign is league size. You don't want a league that's too small or else everyone's got a loaded team and there's too much parity. You don't want a league that's too big because it's no fun having to choose a starting spot between Glen Coffee and Garrett Wolfe, y'know? Ideal league size is 10 teams. Any more than 12 and any fewer than 8 just invite the situations I described prior.

Now, for the fun part, the geeky part... yes, I said geeky. Fantasy football is the sportiest outlet for nerds possible. Yes, it's possible to love sports and be a nerd. Fuck, that's me in a nutshell. Being a nerd isn't about the things you're interested in, it's a state of mind. There are sports nerds and food nerds and war nerds and hell, even reality TV nerds.

But yeah, the nerdy part is analyzing the players and seeing which ones are going to be the best bet. Much like analyzing the NFL draft, prognosticating fantasy football right now is somewhere between comical and useless. However, it's all we have to go by, so here are my quick, dirty and probably wrong pre-draft thoughts:

The Best Players on the Draft Board Are Going to Be... Chris Johnson at running back, Aaron Rodgers at quarterback, Andre Johnson at wide receiver and Brent Celek at tight end. Johnson is a no-brainer, as he hit 2,000+ yards rushing, 2,500+ total yards from scrimmage and 16 TDs. I don't see that production dropping all too much. I like him better than Adrian Peterson because Peterson fumbles too much, and if Brett Favre comes back to the Vikings this year, he'll have so much to prove he may just try to gunsling to a title by himself.

Rodgers at QB is a surprise considering he's in the same position as Drew Brees, Peyton Manning and Tom Brady, but I'm not afraid to admit that it's mostly a gut feeling I have about Rodgers. Plus, Brees has two things working against him this year; a post-Super Bowl hangover looming and being on the cover of the latest Madden game, which usually comes as a curse for that player the next season.

Much like the other Johnson at RB, Andre Johnson is a no-brainer. He's playing with an extra chip on his shoulder this season because he's unhappy with his contract, so you know he's going to play out of his mind to prove his worth. Finally, I like Celek at the TE spot because he's playing with a first-year starter in Kevin Kolb, and first-year starters usually lean on their TEs as a safety blanket.

Sleepers! Everyone's always looking for that sleeper pick, the guy they draft in a later round that ends up performing over his draft position. It's a tricky proposition, but it works for the guy who ends up picking the right one. As for me? Well, I think LeSean McCoy is a good candidate to be this year's big sleeper, but then again, I'm a raging homer. The best picks for sleepers though are usually rookie RBs. RB is one of the only positions where rookies come in and produce right away, so if you see a team that has a rookie high up on the depth chart, especially below an aging or injury-prone RB? Snap him the fuck up.

Busts Easier to sniff out than sleepers, these are the guys who are bound for disappointment after careers of solid production. Guys like, say, LaDanian Tomlinson, who goes to the Jets platooning with the younger and better Shonn Green as well as potentially having carries taken from him by rookie Joe McKnight. Then there's Donovan McNabb, who goes into Washington after a brilliant but disappointing career in Philly with fewer weapons than he had with the Eagles and a shakier, younger OL. Or you could make the mistake of drafting either one of the Bengals' loud-mouthed WRs, Chad Ochocinco or Terrell Owens, who'll probably end up murdering each other to get more receptions by midseason.

Also, feel free to openly mock anyone who drafts Tim Tebow as anything better than a third QB at your draft.

That's about all I have to say about fantasy football right now. It really has enhanced watching the NFL in ways that no one could have dreamed over 40 years ago, before it hit big. If you want to look at the reasons why football has arguably surpassed baseball as the National Pastime, you have to put fantasy football in the top five at least.

Photo Credit: NFL.com

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