The NFL season is starting on Thursday, and those of us who are testosteronically inclined, our attention span will now be divided between the worlds of professional wrestling and the National Football League. For one night though, I'm merging the worlds. Lawerence Taylor, Kevin Greene and Steve McMichael have walked both worlds, but what would happen if other players crossed over? I'll give you six that I think would be good, and no, Chad Ochocinco will not be included in this six pack because he'd be too damn easy to include.1. Brett Favre
C'mon now, this is academic. Favre as a grizzled old self-absorbed heel type works to a tee because that's what he is. He's already turned heel on two fanbases in the NFL, one of which, the Packers, was among the most epic in NFL history. I mean, imagine if Favre pulled that shit in the build to SummerSlam, waffling on joining Team WWE and then turning around and showing up to replace, say, Darren Young on Team Nexus at SummerSlam? Well, the LA crowd might not have cared as much, but imagine it was in a good city for wrestling crowds? Hell yeah, the arena would have crumbled. Favre would have been a great heel. Hell, he already is.
2. Tom Brady
Remember when I wrote about how heels shouldn't just be chickenshit weasels? Yeah, Brady epitomizes how the dominant heel archetype should be. The guy has supermodel good looks, and to complete that vibe, he bangs supermodels too. Hell, he left his pregnant girlfriend for one. How much of a dickheel move is that? On top of that, the guy has broken a shitload of records and has three Super Bowl rings on his mantel. And how much did America revel in the fall of Brady's Patriots when their undefeated run came to an end in the Super Bowl? Brady not only would be an effective heat machine, but he'd be a big fat target to make a huge star.
3. Joey Porter
There were a few linebackers I had in mind for a super heel monster prick. Ray Lewis was too sanctimonious and a possible murderer. Shawne Merriman was too similar to a Samoan wrestler for me. However, Peezy Porter is perfect. The guy is perfect amounts ruthless aggression and loudmouthed bluster to work in wrestling. His whining about a lack of respect would garner a lot of heel heat, and he has the animal sort of charisma that would translate to stiff ring work.
4. Shawn Andrews
Two of my favorite character types in wrestling are big fat guys and crazy people. Andrews combines both of those! Okay, maybe that's a bit of a low-blow given how serious mental issues are, but hey, the guy put himself out there with all kinds of whacky shit on the Internet. He'd be like a combination of Brian Kendrick and Mark Henry, only with the dexterity of a NFL-caliber offensivel lineman. He'd probably work best as a lackey in a stable or a supporting character, but he'd still be an effective character.
5. Chris Johnson
Okay, enough heels. Aren't there any natural faces in the NFL? Well, Chris Johnson may be a bit blustery off the field, but the guy totally sets off fireworks every time he touches the ball. He's got the speed of a Masato Yoshino and the moves of a prime Rey Mysterio. If his on-the-field explosiveness can translate to in-the-ring dexterity and spot-monkey-hood, then Johnson would be one of the most over faces on any circuit.
6. Phillip Rivers, as he's portrayed on Kissing Suzy Kolber
Yeah, I know, I'm kinda cheating here by focusing in on the Marmalard since he's a fictional representation of the real guy instead of the real guy, but c'mon, have you clicked that link? Plus, if you're not reading KSK, you should definitely be reading, because it's awesome. They have a whole cadre of fictionalized NFL characters, like CRAZY Jerry Jones, Alonzo Spellman and his Clown Burgers, Pacman Jones... but of them all, Phillip "Marmalard" Rivers, King Laserface himself, is the best. His bombastic ranting about sinners and fornication, stream of consciousness profanity and throwing teammates under the bus is right out of the pages of the Attitude era WWF... well maybe not, but it could have been.
Photo Credit: NFL.com
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