Not-So-Instant Feedback: Enough Bischoff, Enough Undertaker

TNA and Smackdown were both much better this week than they have been to start the year. For TNA, the improvement was slight, but they showed a step in the right direction. For SD, the improvement was drastic and was the first real return to the form they showed in the summertime when they were must-see TV. Still, I can't help but shake the feeling that the biggest improvements to both shows would have been addition by subtraction. On Impact, the difference would have been HUUUUUGE. On Smackdown, not as much, but it would have made the ending a lot better.

Take Eric Bischoff and Undertaker out of the equations and there's your improvement.

Tackling Smackdown first, it really was a strong show, stronger than the spoilers let on. I didn't mind the bait-and-switch with the Tag Title defense because we got two pretty good matches out of it with schmozz endings that worked. Mysterio/Michaels especially was good, even though they were both sloppy at some points. Jericho/R-Truth was also pretty good. I'd think of about five guys that I'd elevate to main event status before Truth, but hey, he's over. The match of the night might have been Morrison/Scrooge McPoyle though. I was impressed with Scrooge tonight, but only because he set the bar so low in previous weeks. Morrison, for all his deficiencies, gets it.

The biggest negative of the show was the ending. Yeah, I understand that they had to build heat for the impending Taker/Michaels and Taker/Mysterio matches, but I'm just sick and tired of seeing Taker show up every third show and just jizz all over everyone. The better ending, to me, would have been after Trips and Batista brawled out of the ring if Michaels and Mysterio got up and shook hands. They're faces. That's what they do after a hard fought match. *sigh*

However, if you want to talk about someone jizzing all over the show... what the fuck are they thinking in Orlando? You have a hot heel act as your World Champion, seriously, AJ Styles is the fucking man as the new Nature Boy. You have a hot heel act coming in in Ken Anderson. You have Kurt Angle, who's a proven draw. Samoa Joe, who has cred and is begging for a monster push to wipe the penis-on-the-face bullshit out of the memories of everyone. Fuck, I'll take Jeff Jarrett at this point, but Eric Bischoff? Is there any reason why he's gotta have heat with the entire roster?

Here's a guy who's never going to step into a wrestling ring. Here's a guy whose head is grayer than the average grandfather's, and he's the guy who gets all the face time? Again, where's the change coming from? Authority figures-as-the-top-heel have been played out to the point where the WWE is parodying it on RAW with various guest hosts (at least I think it's a parody... nah, on second thought, let's not give them the benefit of any doubt here). If you take Bischoff out of the equation and give his push to someone who deserves it, the show becomes 10x better.

Despite the fact that they have two No. 1 contenders already, I like the idea of the 8-Card Stud Tourney. Yeah, they just did a tourney where Lashley won, but regardless, the tourney leading into a top 10 ranking system appeals to me. I liked the two qualifying matches. Jarrett/Anderson was fun for what it was. Yeah, they still have a lot of work to do, but it looks as if the spoilers are being proven to be misrepresentative of the quality of the show, with the exception of the dreadful screwjob thing they did last week.

But I just can't get over Bischoff's overexposure. I need to see him like I need to see pics of Rosie O'Donnell and Queen Latifah scissoring. Things ain't gonna change until Bischoff takes a backseat, backstage role.

PWG Kurt RussellMania, or Boom! Hey! A Guest Report!

Blog-fan and East Coast expatriate out in Cali Tom Ford went to Kurt RussellMania last night, which was PWG's offering at WrestleReunion 4. He was kind enough to send in a report from the show, and since I couldn't make it out there, this is the next best thing.

---

I just got back home from the WrestleReunion show, the second of two consecutive dates of wrestling live from the Hilton Hotel near LAX in Los Angeles California. Yesterday saw RoH take center stage, tonight it's local California darling's Pro Wrestling Guerilla's turn to wow the crowds.

Mind you, I wanted to be more detailed, but my phone died very early in the night. I'm amazed I made it home using Los Angeles Public Transit at this hour.

After the jump...Show started off with the Young Bucks & Brian Kendrick in the ring together. The Bucks said they were sick of going by fake names, and as of tonight, they're Max and Jeremy. They're Generation Me. They praise TNA, and get quite a bit of heel heat for it. They turn to Kendrick and point him out like the sour thumb he is, saying he doesn't belong here. Commence the beatdown, until Paul London hit the ring to make the save. An elongated mic sequence later, and we had a new match booked for tonight, Paul London & Brian Kendrick vs. Generation Me. I've always been a fan of Paul London, more for his 2002 RoH slogan "Please Don't Die" than anything else. Reunited with Kendrick on the independent scene? Hello tag team revitalization. Hopefully this motivates the two of them. Cause both Paul and Kendrick seem to be smoking themselves stupid.

Tombstone Eight-Person Tag Team Match
The Cutler Brothers (Brandon & Dustin Cutler), Ryan Taylor, & Christina Von Eerie vs. Johnny Goodtime, Malachi “CK” Jackson, Candice LeRae, & Jerome “LTP” Robinson

My criticsm of Independent Wrestling is based around the fact that these athletes are still learning their craft. Most wrestlers, when they're first starting out, worry too much about hitting the moves correctly and safely that they forget to bring story and character to a match. This is one of those matches. Granted, it's not the worst offender, and it did have quite a few insane spots. In fact, after the match broke down to start, Candice LeRae hit a running hurraconrada off the top flinging Ryan Taylor to the outside onto the Culter Brothers. Johnny Goodtime and Jerome Robinson then hit running planchas, as Malachi Jackson then hit a shooting star press onto the recovering crowd.

There was no down time during this match. Most of it involved the heels focusing on quadruple teaming the lone female of the face team, Candice. It's pretty easy to draw heat when you're slapping a girl in the middle of the ring.

It was a fun match, a great opener or breather in the middle of your show, but it wasn't a classi by any stretch.

Spot of the match: Candice, while sometimes awkward, hit that hurraconrada which sent Taylor to the outside in the first high spot of the night which set the tone, not just for that match, but the entire night.
Finish: The Culter Brothers hit a spiked tombstone piledriver on Candice LeRae for the three count.

Stargate Singles Match
Brandon Bonham vs. Brandon Gatson
Hadn't seen or heard either of these guys before. Bonham got a nice "Welcome Back" chant at the start. There's also a great crowd bit where the crowd chants "Let's go Brandon" for each Brandon in what would be a dueling crowd chant. Gatson looks Seamus pale, which is insane for a supposed Texan.

Match was unspectacular. I feel they were kind of out of their element. They wanted to be showboating and high flying, but they should have focused more on the mat and submissions. I dunno, Gatson has a Danielson vibe to me, but that could just be the pale texanness.

Good. Servicable. Ultimately a forgettable match.

Gatson over Bonham by pinfall. Of course. Give it to the guy with upside. Remember when I said it was forgettable? I forget how it finished.


-They were out to announce changes to the card due to London/Kendrick being re-booked. Human Tornado takes on Super Crazy and Davey Richards takes on Kevin Steen. Shame about Chuck Taylor. I wanted to see him in action. Always gotta root for the Chikar-ites.

Super Crazy vs. Human Tornado
My Lord. Is Super Crazy still a luchador? Can we legally call him that under oath or would that be perjury?

Tornado's got such an eerie build for a wrestler. Tall and lanky, his kicks looked wicked. Super Crazy moved around the ring well but you could tell he was getting up there in age. He didn't even try to hit the Asai Moonsault. Still, if Crazy goes back to school and gets a bit of a better tutelage in chain wrestling, he could do this for another decade. He wasn't gassed, but you could tell he couldn't stretch himself as he did, say, back in the Crazy/Tajiri days).

Match was fun, but probably could have had a full two minutes cut out of it. Being that it was 14 or less in length, that's not a glowing review. Right man went over. I'd say it's good. Definitely not a classic, but a solid match.

SPOT OF THE MATCH: Crazy locks Tornado in a bow & arrow, smacking his ribs to draw in one free hand and lock the hold in.
FINISH: Tornado d. Crazy w/ DND and twisting senton.

Crazy left quite quickly. He was up on his feet moments after being "knocked unconscious." He put his Mexican Flag over his face and left ringside in a hurry. Seemed noticeable and out of place, almost as if he broke character.

Davey Richards vs. Mr. Wrestling Kevin Steen
Davey Richards kissed Kevin Steen at the beginning of this matchup. The fans in attendance shouted "This is wrestling." They weren't exactly wrong. Very appropo, especially when you consider what followed. By no means a perfect match, but fluid, and the only match so far in the night to tell any kind of a story.

Steen mocks Richards, Richards kisses his in a spot to make him uncomfortable. Steen retaliates by snotting all over a prone Richards. Davey spits in his face. This all breaks down into a brawl that takes them over to that god forsaken band set. At this point, I couldn't see what happened but Davey clearly played the drums, Steen said he sucked at it, and Davey called him gay cause he kissed him.

Couple that with Davey working over the arm on Steen throughout the match, Steen catching the steel turnbuckle on a missed spear in the corner, and Steen shouting "You have no power!" as Richards tried to lift him two times for a german suplex before succeeding on the third.

This match had everything. If it were airing tomorrow on PPV before that 30 man clusterfuck? I wouldn't have been surprised.

SPOT: Going over to the band set is the most original. The most telling was Steen missing Richards in the corner with the spear.
FINISH: Richards d. Steen via armbreaker submission.

Intermission
I got to see Steen outside taking pictures. Took two of them and told him he had a great match riffed of storytelling with Davey Richards. I saw Chris Hero and Christina Von Eerie at the merchandise table. Hero was autographing hats and t-shirts and being nice to people. I also saw who I later confirmed to be KAI walked into the building, dressed in ring attire and surrounded by an interpreter and an entourage.

Great Muta & KAI vs. Scott Lost & Joey Ryan
First time I'm seeing ANY of these guys. And to say that about Great Muta is a travesty. Don't even know KAI. I've at least heard of Lost and Ryan from reading up on PWG before hand. They're a former tag team that is on the splits, but came back together for tonight to face Muta, because it's like facing a Japanese Hogan.

Muta sprays the mist in the air at the beginning of his entrance to a big pop.

Muta FELT huge. He commanded a presence in the ring. You could tell he's had years of experience. Basic tag match. Muta hit a few signature spots but KAI played most of the role. But whenever Muta hit the ring you could just feel this weight and this sort of "Wow sensation" fill the air. Or at least I did. He was like a 250 lb Yokozuna.

Spot: Muta sprays mist into the eyes of his opponent, after teasing it moments earlier.
Finish: Muta sprays mist, Kai hits a standing yakuza, and Muta finishes with a shinning wizard.

El Generico vs. Jushin Liger
Liger is a wrestler I've always wanted to see live. If I were to create the perfect wrestler, and I've tried, it would be equal parts Liger and Mysterio, plus equal(yet greater than the first pair) parts Jericho/Heel Michaels. So to see Lyger, or Liger in person was a real treat.

SPOT: To see him hit his Lyger Bomb? Monumentous. Although the execution wasn't as crisp as I've always seen it before, it's just seeing it in person that elevates the effect. Like seeing Muta spray mist into a man's face on video is nothing to in real life, and that's what the Lyger Bomb felt to me.
FINISH: Lyger, after losing to Aries the night before, d. El Generico with a Brainbuster. At least three were hit in this match throughout, with Lyger getting the last laugh.

Londrick(London/Kendrick) vs. Generation Me
I came to this show because I wanted to see Muta, I wanted to see Lyger, but I also wanted to see the Young Bucks one last time before they were snatched away by that incestuous black hole one calls TNA. I saw them at Dragon Gate in Philly and they blew the roof off the place. In fact, they're currently transplanting the roof of the ECW Arena/Viking Hall from Broad/Market back to Ritter and Swanson.

When this match was booked, I over hyped it in my head. I don't know if I can legitimately give this a fair grade. To be honest, like Richards/Steen, I could see this being on a major pay per view. They worked slow, crisp, clean. But they weren't was solid on their story telling. Kendrick just was angry and kept jumping the gun throughout the match. The Young Bucks tried to work methodically, and they weren't the spot monkeys the IWC sometimes make them out to be. Still, all four men could use a refresher course in psychology.

I hoped this'd be a title match, but it wasn't. Which meant Londrick were definitely going to win. I expected GenMe to drop the tag titles, cause doesn't their TNA career start up soon? So none title? of course they're gonna put over their future.

SPOT: The finish is probably more memorable, but I love the spot where, after having done this to Kendrick earlier in the match, Generation Me hip tosses London, back flips, and goes for a stereo dropkick, only London has rolled out of the way. Simple things.
FINISH: Kendrick hits sliced bread, and London nails the shooting star for the three count.

Main Event: RVD vs. Chris Hero vs. Roderick Strong
I've never seen Hero or Strong live. A few people in attendance say they could be seeing RVD's last match ever. I expect him to be in the rumble tonight but you never know. Still, RVD has the same traits he had when he was in ECW/WWE. You can tell his body isn't as fresh but he hit every one of his signature moves. The corkscrew leg drop, the splitlegged moonsault, rolling thunder. Only thing he didn't do was a van terminator, and that's because he threw the chair at Hero only to have him duck and Strong grab it. So, Hero punched the chair into Strong's face.

Very fun match, but before it began you KNEW Strong was gonna lose. And you expected, if this could be RVD's last match ever, for him to win. Still, the crowd popped huge for RVD and chanted for Hero throughout this match. Unlike a normal triple threat, most of this match was one on one, with a third individual on the outside. RVD started with playing to the crowd as Hero/Strong went at it. For the first ten to fifteen minutes, this could effectively be called a one on one match. In fact, only in the last few minutes were all three wrestlers in the ring at the same time brawling with one another.

SPOT: It's that steel chair toss where Hero strikes the chair with his fist and takes out Roderick Strong. That or when Strong gets the best of RVD and plants him off the top rope with a slam.
FINISH: RVD hit the five star frogsplahs on Strong for the three.

I left, trying to catch the bus, but apparently Hero got on the mic and said he didn't win, but didn't get beat. He also wants Kenny Omega at the next show.

Overall, good show. I'd say it was better than the Chikara show I went to(Never Kneel at the Alter of Conformity 7/31/09), and worse than the Dragon Gate USA show last July by LOADS. I traveled four hours total for a three hour show and I wasn't disappointed. I was hopeful for something more than I got, but I still enjoyed every minute of it.

Most Overused Maneuver: The Bow and Arrow - Three matches? Really? Only once did the maneuver work, with the victim fighting and the smack against the ribs to draw it in drew a reaction(Crazy/Tornado).

Spot of the night: Muta mist to the eyes. We were ALL waiting for it.

Most Under-appreciated Wrestler: Roderick Strong. There's lots of RVD love, enough Hero love, but I barely heard a chant for the guy and he's the defacto jobber in the main event? Maybe that's why, everyone knew he'd be taking the fall.

Worst Decision: That (Curse word) (Go ask your parents) band. I wanted to stab myself in the face with a drumstick when they played. Granted, they did facilitate humor in Steen/Richards when Richards started playing drums for whatever reason[couldn't see] but they just drug down the entire production value of the show with their garbled bloated sound system and they're hoarse almost unhuman like "music." and I LIKE Metal.

Best Match: Davey Richards ve. Kevin Steen

The "Colt Cabana" award(Aka make me laugh my ass off): Kevin Steen. Easily. His barbs as he was brawling with Richards? Hysterical!

From the Archives: WCW Cruiserweight Championship Match - Eddie Guerrero (c) vs. Rey Mysterio, Jr.

The event is Halloween Havoc '97. It's a lucha de apuesta between Eddie Guerrero, putting his title on the line, against Rey Mysterio, Jr., wagering his mask. When I did the Eddie Guerrero Friday Five a couple of months ago, the response I got most (I got more than one comment outside of the blog comments) for the question "what was your favorite Eddie match" was the 1997 Havoc match, so here it is. It really is a great match, and unlike most WCW matches at the time, it's enhanced by its announcing, not detracted by it. Tony Schiavone was actually good, and this is the role Mike Tenay should play, the learned expert color commentator, not the shitty PBP guy he is in TNA. I don't understand why they had four guys in the booth, but hey, the other two were De Dweem and Bobby Heenan, so it's hard to fault them for the crowded house. Please enjoy the match. Even 12 years later, after all the spots I've seen and how desensitized I am to flips and outrageous counters, there are still times in this match where my jaw hit the floor. Enjoy!

Eddie Guerrero vs. Rey Mysterio Cruiserweight Title vs. Mask
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WrestleMania 27 in HotLanta

Courtesy of Dot Net

The rumors and rumblings are true. WrestleMania 27 was officially announced for Atlanta in the Georgia Dome. Good pick. Atlanta's a city rich in wrestling history, and the crowd will defintely be hot. There are plenty of great HOF options as well. I expect the Freebirds and possibly Sting (if he's still not working for TNA at that point) to get nods.

EVOLVE No Longer a Davey Richards Vanity Promotion

Courtesy of F4W Online

Davey Richards re-signed with ROH. The deal seems to have some kind of exclusivity clause in it I suppose because it led to the American Wolf getting pulled from future DGUSA and EVOLVE shows.

Analysis? Well, Gabe Sapolsky just got fucked. In the ass. No lube. You could say that's what he got for putting all his eggs in the Richards basket for EVOLVE, and that wrestling is such a cutthroat business you'd expect this kind of thing to happen. It still sucks though. EVOLVE lost an ace, and DGUSA lost a top heel. EVOLVE will hurt more because DGUSA still has the Japanese imports to fall back on. I think EVOLVE will be alright in the future as well given that they shouldn't have started out too big anyway, and they still have the Chikara guys as well as Ken Doane and Arik Cannon, among others, as a backup.

Still this has to smart for Gabe. Richards was the guy he was building around and *poof* Cary Silkin sticks it to him. I don't think we'll be seeing a reconciliation between the two parties anytime soon.

And I think this signing telegraphs a few things. For one, I wouldn't at all be surprised to see Richards strapped with some kind of singles gold in ROH. I think the TV Title is beneath him at this point and he belongs in the World Championship picture, but then again, Kenny Omega and Chris Hero are both guys who should be in the ROH title picture and are only there in name only. I think it also might bode well for the tag division in that the American Wolves remain ROH property. While another tag run would be redundant, they could provide a main event-level tag feud that doesn't need titles for the Briscoes or another facey mish-mash team.

But yeah, this is a huge, huge deal in terms of indie wrestling. ROH strikes big here. They got Richards until he finally cracks and accepts this WWE offer he claims to have gotten.

Hogan's and Bischoff's State of TNA Address on BLTS

Recap, courtesy of Dot Net



Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff went on Bubba the Love Sponge's show today to talk about the state of TNA. You can read the recap. A lot of it seems to be bullshit posturing and an attempt at working the audience (Russo isn't high on the pecking order? bullshit). Some real lulz-worthy stuff too.

For example, the laughable talking point that Abyss is the next Cena. I know John Cena. I watch him every Monday night. Abyss, while a serviceable big man with some limited charisma, is no John Cena. Abyss can be a great hand; I like him better than the average smarky fan does, but at best, his ceiling is as a more successful Kane.

Another thing I found pretty lolwut? inducing was the fact that all this noise that Honky Tonk Man has been making about being in negotiations with TNA was shot down by Bischoff, who said he'd rather "drive a rusty ice pick through [his] thigh" than work with HTM. Say what you want about Honky, but re: his delusions, he's going big rather than going home.

One thing that this report didn't mention that the Torch's Twitter did was that the advantage that their rehashing of Survivor Series '97 has over the current Bret Hart/VKM storyline in the WWE is that TNA has Earl Hebner. Can I get a LULZ for that?

Anyway, read the transcript for a better idea and judge for yourself.

Friday Five: Favorite Match By So-and-So 3

Five more wrestlers, five more matches to pick:

1. What was your favorite Sting match?

2. What was your favorite Davey Richards match?

3. What was your favorite Al Snow match?

4. What was your favorite Roddy Piper match?

5. What was your favorite Chavo Guerrero, Jr. match?

This Week in Off-Topic: LOST's Final Season

NOTE: If you're not a fan of the TV show LOST, this will go right over your head. Sorry, folks.

Yes, I am a wrestling fanatic. I wouldn't be writing this blog if I weren't, but it's not surprising to say wrestling isn't the only thing that I'm passionate about. For one, I love the big four professional team sports. I'm a Nintendo fanatic, especially for the Mario and Zelda franchises. Rock music, especially played by my favorite bands, gets me going. And finally, there's a little television show that I never miss when it's on... LOST.

ABC's biggest non-femme bait show (fuck Grey's Anatomy) is entering its final season on February 2. This isn't a forced cancelling; there's nothing more that ABC would want than to keep the cash cow going. This was a designed end envisioned all along by producers Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof. This aspect in theory would give the show more of a focus and a tighter grip on storytelling, a more concise road to a definitive end. Series that keep going and going often sprawl to places and they also don't have the luxury of ending on their own terms for the most part. Therefore, there are a ton of loose ends that never get tied up, major loose ends.

The key words are "in theory" here. Despite the concrete timeline, despite the focus on a single story, LOST has sprawled all over the place and spawned its own universe, its own mythology. The writers and creators have posited so many questions that it might seem impossible to answer all of them in the 14 or so hours of television run time they have this year. I don't expect them to answer every little detail, but they should, and I think they will, answer the most important things.

The first thing that will likely be explored will almost certainly be whether Daniel Faraday's gambit pays off. If you remember back to the season finale last year, Faraday postulated that if the castaways could somehow detonate a nuclear bomb in the near vicinity of the vast amounts of electromagnetic energy at the site of the future Swan station, they could undo the four years of their lives that were ruined because of the events following the crash landing of Oceanic 815 on The Island. I think the plan is going to fail for four reasons:

1 - Remember back to season 3, the first appearance of Eloise Hawking (known then only as the strangely omniscient ring shop lady from the landmark episode "Flashes before Your Eyes", the Desmond-centric episode where time travel was first teased), when she said "The universe always has a way of course correcting itself." It was a truism that was proven in the series finale when Charlie finally died after Desmond's repeated attempts at saving him because of his clairvoyance. What does that mean? Even if the bomb was successful in negating the energy in the Swan, Oceanic 815 was going to crash land for a different reason and that the castaways were destined to undergo that experience regardless.

2 - Jacob, after being stabbed by Benjamin Linus, uttered the phrase "They're coming." No, he wasn't talking about MVP and Mark Henry coming out to the former's theme song, but about the castaways who were thrown back in time arriving back on the Island in some way.

3 - In the Swan orientation video, Dr. Chang mentions "an incident" that caused the energy at the Swan to become unstable and needing to be controlled, via typing the numbers into the computer every 108 minutes. The Losties being at the Swan site and blowing up the hydrogen bomb didn't prevent that incident... it was the incident.

4 - Faraday himself said "What happened happened", implying that everything the visitors from the future did was supposed to happen anyway. Of course, Faraday was skeptical about that himself since it was his idea to change the past. It also bears mentioning that he seemingly successfully changed the past when he told Desmond to go see his mother while Faraday and co. were time-skipping. It also bears mentioning that Desmond was "special" and that the rules didn't apply to him like they did to most other people.

I get the feeling that the season premiere will open with a swerve, making people think that the castaways were successful at erasing history, but it'll soon be found out that they weren't and that they're either back on The Island, or they, once again, have to go back. That sets up the second major storyline, this war that several major characters like Ben, Charles Widmore and others have said was coming. We finally know who the leaders of the two opposing forces are: Jacob and anti-Jacob/Skrull Locke/Esau, but what side are the various people on? That's where the meat of this season will come from, with the side dishes being explanations of various things like the Smoke Monster, the Egyptian imagery, time travel, The Island's weird electromagnetic properties and the origin of folks like Richard Alpert.

The producers have said that there will be a lot of bloodshed this season, a lot of main characters dying, a lot of conflicts resolved. There'll no doubt be a lot of Easter eggs and cameos from former cast members; I've heard the actors playing Boone, Shannon, Charlie, Libby and even Dr. Arzt will make appearances among others. No matter what happens, whether it's satisfying or ultimately disappointing, I don't think they're going to be accused of not trying. I'll be sad when it's over if only because there won't be any new episodes, and because the stories, mythologies and the enthralling and engaging characters they've introduced, including Linus whom I think is the best TV character ever, and I think there's enough that they could spin off forever and even do movies.

Still, there are still 18 episodes left. The rollercoaster hasn't left the docking station yet, and hopefully, our expectations for the show are as fulfilled as the characters' destinies will be in the coming four months.

Jericho and Helms Arrested for Public Intoxication

Courtesy of F4W Online

Chris Jericho and Gregory Helms were arrested Tuesday in Kentucky after Smackdown tapings for public intoxication. They were at a gas station. It's unclear if either one was driving, although I'd hope both guys would have the foresight not to get plastered and then get behind the wheel.

My feelings on public intoxication laws aside (hint: they're stupid), it's up to you to know the lay of the land and not act like a moron in public. While I don't expect the punishments from the company to be stiff, they should get some kind of reprimand.

ETA: The TMZ story

Apparently, Helms struck three people, including Jericho, as well as a female passenger in the taxi cab they were all sharing. Big mistake, since the third member of the group, another male, is thinking of pressing charges. Helms might end up in hot, hot water now.

The Best Moves Ever: Orange Crush

It's an REM song, it's a nickname for the Denver Broncos all orange unis of yesteryear, it's what Flyers fans encourage their fans to do during playoff games and it's also one of the best moves of all-time. Kenta Kobashi might as well just be canonized now as the patron saint of cool-ass moves, because he corners the market. There's the popular Burning Hammer, the half-nelson suplex, a righteous lariat and this one, a suplex lift into a sitout powerbomb... the Orange Crush.

Handicapping the Royal Rumble

The Royal Rumble match is this Sunday. The Rumble, even moreso than WrestleMania, is probably the most fun WWE PPV of the year, and for good reason. The main event, the 30-man Rumble match, is unpredictable and one of the most fun matches of the year. While there are favorites, it's hard to know who exactly is going to win. I'm hoping to shed some light and maybe pick a winner for the Rumble. I'll probably be wrong, but hey, half the fun of the Rumble is being surprised.

Barring some late-breaking storyline developments, we have a good idea of who's in the Rumble and which guys in the Rumble have a realistic shot of winning. According to WWE.com, here are the 25 guys already in the Rumble:

John Cena, Batista, Triple H, Shawn Michaels, Cody Rhodes, Ted DiBiase, Kofi Kingston, Chris Jericho, CM Punk, Santino Marella, The Hurricane, Zack Ryder (WWWYKI), Yoshi Tatsu, Shelton Benjamin, William Regal, MVP, the Miz, the Great Khali, Kane, Mark Henry, Jack Swagger, The Big Show, Evan Bourne, Carlito, R-Truth

There are five slots left to be announced. Usually, the Rumble has a number of suprise entrants. I expect a few, but I also expect Drew MacIntyre and John Morrison to be added to the Rumble. There are already four singles matches, and the Rumble takes up at least an hour. For all intents and purposes, I'm including them in the conversation.

When handicapping the Rumble, the best way to go is to divide the guys into groups of probability. Here's the first group:

No Chance in Hell

These are the guys that would be the most shocking choices to win. They're in for comedic purposes, or they're just too green, young nor not established.

Yoshi Tatsu and Zack Ryder - I like both guys as future draws for the company, and both, especially Ryder, might have an outside shot at winning a Rumble someday. However, right now, they're both up-and-comers in ECW, which usually isn't a good sign for your Rumble chances. My guess is that they'll both have their moments but will be eliminated by the guy who ends up getting the Diesel push.

After the jump...Hurricane - He recently asked for his release so he could wallow in Orlando with Jeff Hardy (who hasn't been seen since 1/4, mind you... think him and Matt Hardy changed their minds?). You don't get out of that doghouse so easily.

Santino Marella - He's become the new Buschwhacker in that he gets eliminated in record short amounts of time. Will this year be any different? Probably not, but if he gets anything more than a token elimination of Jack Swagger, I'll be shocked. Speaking of...

Jack Swagger - Whose corn flakes did he shit in? It seems like the WWE has soured bigtime on him since he and MVP failed to get a crowd reaction at SummerSlam, and a lot of that was blamed on him. Since then, he's been in an aborted feud with Miz over Eve Torres (who ended up valeting Chris Masters of all people), lost his ECW homecoming match to Yoshi Tatsu and then after an absence of appearance on RAW, his face time has consisted of getting humiliated by Santino week in and week out. Commentary on how he's being used will be refrained from at this point, but all I have to say is it certainly doesn't foreshadow an All-American American win here.

Carlito - They don't seem to be trying all too hard to do anything with him, so I doubt the Rumble will be where it all starts.

Evan Bourne - Check back in two years.

The Great Khali - Guy can barely stand up anymore. He'll be there as an attraction and probably eliminate a few people, but don't think the WWE has him around as anything but a sideshow attraction at this point (THANK CHRIST).

Shelton Benjamin - You have a better chance of seeing him win Money in the Bank, and he has a next to no chance of winning that every year he's in.

Any of the surprise entrants - This should go without saying. The surprise guys are here to pop the crowd and be fodder for elimination. Anyone short of The Rock or Edge is not going to do much but smile, hit a signature spot and get tossed.

Swerve Territory

These are the guys who have a little more than a slim-to-none chance of winning, but it would still be like the shock of the century if they did win.

Mark Henry - It's not inconceivable that Mark Henry would win this thing. They did give him a clean win over Randy Orton in the summertime, so you know in the backs of their minds that Henry has main event potential in places other than ECW. However, with so many other stories already coming into focus or potentially coming into focus, a Henry win is long past the time when it would have been effective.

William Regal - He's been a loyal soldier for years now and has been one of the more over heels on the roster at various points. It wouldn't be a total shock if Regal won the Rumble, but at the same time, if they were going to pull the trigger on him, they'd have done it by now. Plus, the dude's an injury or a wellness violation waiting to happen.

Cody Rhodes - It's interesting to see how Cody Rhodes has gone from automatic job boy of the Legacy stable into a guy they've actually tried to protect. A lot of it has to do with the vast improvements he's made both in and out of the ring since then. Even so, I still think he's behind his partner on the pecking order. Better luck next year, Codeman.

Kane - Nothing they ever do with Kane would ever surprise me. That being said, Kane is a longshot to win at best.

R-Truth - He's been a nice surprise since being rescued from career purgatory in TNA, and he's been over enough that he's held his own in feuds with Chris Jericho and CM Punk. Still, the only way I can see him winning is if a bunch of guys ahead of him came under Wellness fire and he was the highest carded guy with a clean slate.

Reasonable Doubt

We're getting warmer and warmer with the big shot names. These are the guys who will be sold as big threats to win and who might be inline for an elevation during the year, or they're veterans like Big Show with enough main event cache to conceivably win the event but not enough that having them be eliminated by a relative newbie wouldn't be a shock.

The Big Show - He's a guy who should be a serious contender to win every year, but the WWE has successfully cut the balls off him to the point where you're shocked if he dominates a smaller opponent like he should anymore. Show will be a dominant force and he's an outside shot at a surprise win or co-win like he shared with Rock in 2000 (unofficially), but he's not a guy you expect would come in and take the whole thing.

Kofi Kingston - He SHOULD win the Rumble this year. No doubt about it he should win. That's what you do after you get into a program where you take out the top heel on each brand in a Survivor Series match and then go toe-to-toe with the ace heel in the company for three months. Instead, they've officially dropped the ball on Kofi to the point where I can see him getting forgettably tossed over the top during someone's Diesel push. With the ham-handed way the WWE handles things, I wouldn't be surprised to see Kingston win with next-to-no momentum, but don't hold your breath.

John Morrison - If in a year or two he's not one of the odds on favorite to win a Rumble, there's something wrong with the WWE's star-building process. Regardless of my feelings on Morrison compared to his former tag partner, c'mon, he's over as hell and he's not terrible.

Drew MacIntyre - The sad part is, I can totally see him as a favorite to win next year even if he doesn't get over more. I hate McMahon pet projects

MVP - I have this funny feeling. It could just be a gut feeling, but I'm getting the notion that this whole feud with Miz is a smokescreen, and that the WWE has big plans for MVP this year if he can stay on the good side of the Wellness Policy. The fans have been clamoring for him to do more than just hang around the US Championship; it was proven at least to me when he came out his first night on RAW and handed Randy Orton his ass on the mic. They have to have seen that. THey have to have heard him holding his own with Jericho during their tag feud. They have to be hearing him now, as he and Miz are stealing the show from the lackluster main event scene. It's almost time. I almost want to pick him to win the Rumble, but again, the WWE has such a ham-handed way of elevating people that aren't their pet projects that all the bank MVP's earning now won't get paid off until later.

The Miz - If I were booking things, him and Kofi would be in the Final Four with Cena and Batista, and Miz would eliminate former before getting eliminated by the latter. I think the WWE has the same high opinion of Miz that I have, but I think they might have other things in mind for the Rumble winner. So, not this year.

Main Event Heel Types

They're pushed to the top of the card as heels, and might end up main eventing more than a few PPVs. You can definitely see them win, and they're "smart" choices by the dirtsheet analysts, but deep down inside, you know that they're going to lose out to big, big shots.

CM Punk - Punk winning the Rumble would and wouldn't shock me at the same time. It would shock me in that he seems to be far enough away from the title picture and getting heat his own way that they're not going to mess with that. Any time you can build a money feud or angle without having a title involved, it's gravy, especially with WrestleMania in the balance. It wouldn't shock me though, because the WWE is notorious for switching plans that were accidentally leaked just because they want to surprise people. Look at last year. Supposedly, it was Christian who was going to be Jeff Hardy's assailant, and they switched to Milquetoast Matt because the dirtsheets caught wind from a well-placed source. Still, a potential Punk/Mysterio or Punk/whomever match doesn't need a title to have importance, so I'm inclined to pick against him.

Chris Jericho - It would have provided an entree to get him back on RAW, but with Show moving onto the Miz and Jericho rumored to be taking on a returning Edge at WrestleMania, that angle seems to be dropped. Oh well, JeriShow vs. Edge and Christian would have been a money WM match. MONEY I SAY! Not that Jericho winning the Rumble would have made that possible. In fact, it would have signaled something totally different, but I digress. Anyway, Jericho winning would make a lot of sense. They had enough faith to put him on both shows for more than half-a-year, and he's a guy who could get heat from an ice cube if they programmed the two together. This is a possibility only if Edge isn't ready to come back by WM.

The Legit Dark Horse

Ted DiBiase, Jr. - The more I think about it, the more I believe that Ted DiBiase has a chance to win the Rumble. Think about it. Whenever there's been tension in Legacy, it's always been more between DiBiase and Orton rather than Rhodes and Orton. Orton punted DiBiase in the head last year so that Ted Jr. could go out with an "injury" (the injury report? "Filming a shitty movie"). When DiBiase's father hosted RAW, it led to a match that actually happened, rather than when de Dweem's match set up where everyone just attacked John Cena after the bell. Orton and DiBiase had that confrontation where Orton was daring him to strike and get kicked out of the group. Plus, there's this whole business of the aforementioned shitty movie... the WWE tends to cast faces in their hero-type movies, while the heels get horror roles or in Big Show's case, roles in slapstick comedy. They truly seem to believe that DiBiase is the truth, so while everyone's looking at DX, Cena, Batista or some other retread to win, the Bargain Bin Marine lurks in the corner as the much more shocking, tantalizing bet to win.

The Heavy Favorites

These are the guys who have been positioned both in kayfabe and out as the big guns, the top draws, the threats to win the whole match and go on to get their WrestleMania moment.

Triple H - Him winning makes sense only because he's Triple H, and he's supposed to win these things. He hasn't won since 2002, his only win, and really, who's positioned himself been positioned as a bigger star in the company over the last decade? The most intriguing reason for Trips to win would be to take the chance at facing the Undertaker away from Michaels, thus really exploding DX in the process. Still, even if they don't do anything with that and leave it status quo, Trips can fall into the feud between his father-in-law and Bret Hart to add some beef to it.

Batista and John Cena - Man, it's really, really unclear as to the plans for most of the top guys going into WrestleMania, isn't it? I mean, Batista's money feud with Rey Mysterio seems like it's going to finish before WM because ReyRey is rumored to be going into a program with CM Punk. Undertaker's taken by Shawn Michaels. Meanwhile, John Cena sorta has nothing to do on RAW, unless the WWE goes back on its word and has him feud with Orton again. Or maybe Cena and Sheamus go at it at WrestleMania. Or maybe Cena's impassioned promo on Vince McMahon on RAW was his entree into the Bret Hart fiesta. I have to wonder if Cena/Batista is in the cards for this year after they were denied that with Batista's injury problems last year. It makes sense. Still, there are many different ways to get there, and Batista winning the Rumble with Cena winning one of the titles between now and WM or vice-versa.

Shawn Michaels - Michaels seems to be the in-character favorite, the guy that they're leading everyone on to believe will win so he can get his date with destiny against Undertaker at WrestleMania. That would be an alright option, but at this point, it'd be the boring option. Michaels/UT again? Only this time, with a title on the line? Of course, it'd be far more intriguing if Taker lost the title and Michaels STILL wanted him at WM, but at this point, I think that match needs an inclusion (because I'm not ending UT's streak if I'm VKM, especially against Shawn Michaels). Honestly, every time I try to talk myself into someone other than HBK, my cynical side keeps telling me "You know he's going to win. You know he's going to win."

Whom Do I Think Is Going to Win?

I don't want to give into my cynical side, I really don't. I don't want to sit here and say that the WWE is terrible at telling a story lately (they are) and that they've been very ham-handed in the way that they've been building their new stars (they have). I don't want to think that they're going to give us, straight up, the same match they gave us last year at WrestleMania (they just might).

Therefore, instead of picking Shawn Michaels to win with a resigned sigh, I'm going to put my faith in the WWE, faith that they totally do not deserve at all, and predict that the Royal Rumble winner will be Ted DiBiase. Even though they've neutered Sheamus, demoted CM Punk, derailed Kofi Kingston and aren't ready to pull the trigger on Miz, they know they have to build a new star somehow, and they have one who can enter right into a money feud and match.

Ain't I gonna look stupid on Sunday now?

Prop Bets

Half the fun of the Rumble is finding out what happens during the match. Whether it's a surprise entrant, a storyline beginning or fermenting or a guy coming in like gangbusters and eliminating people like they were rag dolls. Here are some fun things to look at during the match.

Surprise Entrants 28 of the 30 guys in the Rumble match seem to be spoken for. There are the official 25, plus MacIntyre and Morrison, as well as Dolph Ziggler, who's been on the commercials and in that well-done retrospective they had on RAW. That leaves two spots for surprises. While I don't have anywhere close to an inside track, here are a few educated guesses:

Rob Van Dam - He was a surprise entrant last year, one of the things that people raved about during the match. The hot rumor is that he's going to TNA, but he hasn't debuted yet and has seemingly denied having any contact with the company. He is the perfect guy for the WWE to snap up as a big FU to TNA now that they're trying to compete. The biggest strike against this would be his appearances at both the ROH and PWG shows in Los Angeles this weekend. However, ROH is running Friday and PWG Saturday, so theoretically, he could hop on a plane and make it to the ATL for Sunday's show. Still, I'd say he's a longshot, although an intriguing one (especially if they sign him to a deal).

Edge - While everyone's being hush-hush about his status and putting the kibosh on him being ready, there's a chance that it's all just a big work and that he's going to make his grand return at the Rumble, ala John Cena in 2008. Of course, Edge would be returning face and probably would be positioned in a way where he took out a shit-talking, big-timing former partner of his, and I don't mean Christian or Randy Orton or Hulk Hogan or Rey Mysterio (oddly enough, none of those former partners are even in the Rumble match!).

Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat - A Rumble appearance wouldn't be out of the question. He hasn't made an in-ring appearance for the WWE since Backlash, and this is the kind of match where he can make an impact without straining himself too badly. Plus, he has the added bonus of having been formally introduced to the entire WWE crowd, so him showing up would get a big pop.

Bret Hart - It's a very outside shot, but him in the Rumble could work. It's a match where he can lay back, let other people do the work for him, work a couple of signature spots and then get eliminated. The last part is the dicey part seeing that going over the top to the floor for a guy with the brain situation that Hart has could be dicey, but it could be done. And if all else fails, he could eliminate himself to get at a taunting Vince McMahon...

An FCW Call-up - What better way to introduce the world to a future star like, say Bryan Danielson, Low-Ki/Kaval or one of the Fortunate Sons? They come out, the announcers put over that they're one of the new signees to X brand, someone established laughs at him and then proceeds to get tossed. Bam, instant impact.

Tony Atlas - Can we all agree that this would be pretty awesome, especially if he eliminated someone and then did his goofy laugh afterwards?

Dusty Rhodes - Like Ted DiBiase, De Dweem hosted RAW as part of a connection to Legacy. Unlike DiBiase, Rhodes took a bump, which means he could seemingly still go for a limited appearance, i.e. The Rumble. If he does appear though, I may not stop doing my Dusty Rhodes impersonation until No Way Out Elimination Chamber. GOD HELP US ALL!

Flair Push - Ric Flair was the first Rumble Iron Man, entering at #2 and lasting to win the whole thing, and the WWF Championship, in 1992. The Flair push goes to the guy who lasts the longest. It might not matter if the guy doesn't win, but it's worth noting anyway. This year, I think your Flair Push goes to Ted DiBiase in a win. He'll be one of the first two along with Cody Rhodes in attempt to push tension between the two. Rhodes may last just as long as well and be one of the last guys eliminated.

Diesel Push - The more famous of the named pushes, this one is for the guy who goes on a tear and eliminates a bunch of people in a short span of time, like Diesel did in his first Royal Rumble. Kane's Diesel run was probably the most memorable, because he eliminated a record 11 guys in his big moment. The most likely candidate for the Diesel push this year would have been Sheamus had he been in the match, but they went and strapped him, which is far better than getting a big push in a match you ultimately lose. Of this year's crop, I don't see a real standout candidate. They could do a retread with Kane. Mark Henry might get it. If I had to pick someone, maybe I'd go with Jack Swagger if I didn't think they were going to humiliate him.

Regardless of what happens, the Rumble is one of the most ordered, most acclaimed and most fun PPVs that the WWE puts out for a reason. It's the one night where really anything could happen, and it usually does. I have high hopes this year, even if I think the finish to the Rumble match might be flat, but whatever happens, if this event disappoints, I'll be shocked.

TNA Truly to Go Head-to-Head with RAW March 1

Courtesy of F4W Online

No hour lead-in this time. TNA is going to run its second head-to-head Impact against RAW on March 1 from 9 to 11 PM. RAW's trotting out Cheech and Chong for that show. Why am I mentioning this? I don't know, because the way things are going now for TNA, they're probably not going to capitalize on that (and who knows, maybe the old stoners will be funny).

Wrestling Six Packs: Pimp My Finisher!

The finishing move is a staple in wrestling, and for the most part, they're the most impressive-looking move or the move that looks like it does the most damage in the guy or gal's arsenal. Emphasis on "the most part". There are some wrestlers whose finishers plain stink and others whose finishers aren't bad but don't look crisp enough to be finishers. This week's six pack looks at a half-dozen who could use a new way to end their victories. Yeah, the most obvious answer isn't on here, Jericho going back to the old way he did the Walls of Jericho, but that's probably not up to him anyway, and he actually does it the old, better way sometimes too, like against JTG a few weeks ago. Here are six others whose all-the-time finishers need some pimping.

1. MVP
The Offending Finisher - The Playmaker

What part of that move looks like it hurts? Maybe if the back of the victim's neck slips off MVP's calf and hits the canvas, it looks kinda effective (but not effective enough to put someone down), but most of the time, the head rests on the back MVP's leg and really, the only painful part is the close proximity to Porter's sweaty ass. The shame part is he has a much better, much stiffer looking move in his arsenal that would be a much more effective finisher, the corner yakuza kick, or even his old Drive-By, which was a shining yakuza kick. And yes, if jokes about implied prison rape are TV-PG material, then so is a move name comparing it to a drive-by shooting.

2. AJ Styles
The Offending Finisher - Styles Clash

The Styles Clash is not a bad looking move at all. I think it's a great set-up move, and actually as a move that can finish a match but doesn't all the time, it's effective. If wrestling were set up in a more "realistic" manner, I'd have no problem with it, but since wrestling is built more for show with certain moves popping the masses, that's where the problem comes in. The Styles Clash comparatively speaking doesn't look like a move that should mean death upon impact. It looks like a move that can sting but be shaken off by the time he rolls the victim around for the pin attempt. The problem is the Pele Kick isn't much better in terms of credibility. While it's a sweet looking move, it needs to be hit just right to look like it's going to knock the other guy out. A lot of times, it isn't. So, instead of those options, go with the sure crowd-pleaser, something off the top rope, like the Spiral Tap.

3. Kofi Kingston
The Offending Finisher - Trouble in Paradise

Much like the Pele, the TiP needs to be hit just right to look like it's believably KTFOing its target, and a lot of times, it misses its mark in that department. Here's the funny thing though; Kofi has a move in his arsenal that does the trick way more believably - The SOS, otherwise known as the Ranhei in the indies. This move combines classic head damage with flippy, crowd-popping motion that would make it instantly over and credible looking each time. TiP isn't bad, but it's far from the best option he has at his disposal.

4. Edge
The Offending Finisher - The Spear

When Goldberg did the spear, when Batista or Big Show do the spear, it looked legitimately fuck-up-your-day-tastic, the point where you probably felt your bowels rattle a bit just watching it. Wanna know why? They're all big dudes who can realistically put alot a lot of belief into a spear without exerting a lot of effort. Edge, even with his roids, is still kind of a beanpole. When he spears someone, it looks like he's giving them a running hug. Seriously, it's one of the few things I hate about his character. Instead, why disengage from something that worked? He's always done an implant DDT, and it's an infinitely better looking move, especially compared to his locomotive charge of totally heterosexual-looking affection.

5. Carlito
The Offending Finisher - Backstabber

I like the lungblower/backcracker as a set up move fine enough, but as a finisher? At least Jericho's Codebreaker, which is the mirror of the Backstabber only to the front, has the credibility factor of double knees to the face. I've always felt that a back is more a target for submission finishers, that backbreakers and stuff were better used as set-ups on guys with good mid and lower body submission holds. As a finisher, this leaves me wanting. If you FF to #2 on this countdown, you'll see a much more suitable replacement if you want to keep an impact finisher, but in the grain of what I said earlier, maybe Carlito could work well with a Steiner Recliner-styled camel clutch following up the Backstabber.

6. Sara del Rey
The Offending Finisher - Royal Butterfly (wait for it at 1:33)

It's a fancy butterfly suplex, one that's unique to her and a cool looking move, but at the end of the day, it's a fucking butterfly suplex. This is the move that has been marginalized and trivialized in wrestling to the point where it was considered a weak grapple-worthy hold in the THQ/Aki wrestling games (Revenge/No Mercy). She would be far better served if she held onto the butterfly lock and kept it as a submission hold after impact, make the suplexing action more a means to get a tapout rather than the submission wrenching getting extra wear towards a pinfall. Even if you wanted to do an impact finisher, she does a pretty nice powerbomb.

ROH TV Title Bracket Set

Straight from the Horse's Mouth



There's a look at the full bracket. It has a lot of the people I expected to be in it, and seeded as well. Kevin Steen as the number 1 seed isn't surprising, but will he and Generico make it to the finals to face off against each other? It's set up that way, but the way that Pearce likes to drag out his feuds, they'll both probably lose in the first or second rounds. Who knows. I know I wouldn't blow my load on that feud right away, especially when it doesn't need the context of a title belt with it.

If I were booking this, your winners would be Steen, Cabana, Delirious, King, Cabana, King, King. Jobbing out both the Wolves in the first round? Yeah, but DR needs to be in the World Championship hunt and EE, though godlike with his cred of working with a broken arm, isn't really the kind of guy who's a proven commodity on his own yet. I think this belt was tailor made for Kenny King, and having him beat a guy like Cabana in the finals would do a lot for him.

Instant Feedback: RAW Is NyQuil

Two things stuck out tonight. One good, one bad. The good first. John Cena's promo on Vince McMahon could have been a shoot, hell I bet there were a ton of guys at home nodding their heads in agreement, and some even in the back as well. It's that gritty realism that makes angles such as these work. Cena's work with the guest host, Dule Hill, was pretty funny as well. All in all, Cena was the star of the night, which is what you should expect from your top guy, but still good to see.

The bad now. The opening match between DX and Legacy was an okay affair, but they had a chance to go with an interesting finish. Instead, they copped out and went with a tired finish. Where I would have finished the match would have been with Michaels getting rolled up by DiBiase after Triple H got knocked off the apron. There you would establish tension through misunderstanding, but you give a reasonable doubt as to the intentions of both guys. Instead, we got a dissention tease that ended with DX figuratively jizzing all over Legacy. Really, the storytelling in the WWE is lazy.

Other than that, it was a lot of sleep-inducing bullshit. Sheamus doesn't appear until the end of the show, and he's effectively neutered. Both Miz and MVP drop matches when they're supposed to building towards a hot feud. Christ on a stick, this was sizzling two weeks ago, and now, we get Show squashing MVP and the fake entrance distraction thing. It's a good mechanism, but they overuse it so much, like there isn't any other way that MVP can get one over on Miz. The Divas are still terrible wrestlers. Too many commercials and promotional spots, and if I have to see that double pits to chesty commercial again, I'm going to kill someone. Okay, that one's not the WWE's fault. Axe is paying good money for those spots that the WWE is glad to take, but for fuck's sake, they PAID people to come up with that tripe? I've been seeing it for a year and it's even more rage inducing than it was when I first saw it.

This was not a good go-home show for the Rumble. It was like taking NyQuil, only not enough to put you to sleep. There were moments, but that was it. I mean, it doesn't matter to me anyway; I'm getting the Rumble because I always get the Rumble, and they're lucky that the Rumble is one of those PPVs that has a built-in buyrate, but this isn't the first go-home show that they've slept through, and it's a pretty disappointing trend.

ETA: Another thing... Sheamus wasn't the only one neutered tonight. Orton was too. Think about it, they effectively took a dump on their RAW title match for the event. The two men who are wrestling for hte biggest prize in the company were down on the canvas, and the only guy standing is one of thirty in the Rumble match, a guy who's probably not even going to win it? Basically, the WWE's two strongest Champions are Christian and Miz in terms of booking. Sheamus is a pussy despite being the most physically intimidating guy on the roster not named Undertaker, Big Show or Khali. Undertaker's the rare face Champion who's a raging pussy and who rarely shows up on TV or even at the fucking tapings. Drew MacIntyre is a sneaky cheater. DX never defend their titles. Michelle McCool spends all her time thinking of ways to call Mickie James fat. There's no pretty butterfly Champion at the moment. Does the WWE value its titles at all? Christ.

Weekend Wrap-Up: Bald Chicks Are Hot

- I know it was taped Tuesday, but Friday night's edition of Smackdown was notable because Punk added a new face to his Straight Edge Society. Serena Deeb, former SHIMMER wrestler and FCW trainee, got her head shaved and joined Punk's cult of clean-bodiedness. Since she's an actual wrestler, many people are speculating that she'll be the Diva arm of the stable. I hope they're right, because Mickie James and Beth Phoenix need more opponents other than Team Lay-Cool. (I still hate that angle bee-tee-dubya).

- DGUSA's Fearless taped on Saturday in Chicago. BxB Hulk retained the Open the Freedom Gate title and then got jumped by the heel faction of Davey Richards, Gran Akuma and YAMATO. A bunch of faces led by Quack and CIMA came out, which I can only assume sets up some kind of multi-man match at the WrestleMania weekend shows in Phoenix. Richards beat Masaaki Mozikuchi for the Full Impact Pro Wrestling Championship, and Tommy Dreamer appeared to help Jimmy Jacobs fight off Team Snoozer, err, I mean Jon Moxley and Brian Kendrick.

- In addition to Awesome Kong's potential flight from TNA, Alissa Flash, aka Cheerleader Melissa, asked for and got her release from the company. That's good for TNA, because they'll have more money to bring in Virgil or Brutus Beefcake.

- ETA: How could I have forgotten? Pro Wrestling RESPECT debuted on Saturday. I don't have a report on me, so I can't tell you how it was received. However, Bobby Dempsey won his match against Rhett Titus, who's actually on the big roster and actually appears as more than squash fodder, so this is a good sign. Dempsey has star potential. Hopefully, they run an Arena show so I can check it out more easily.

From the Archives: Shawn Michaels (c) vs. Mr. Perfect, SummerSlam 1993

SummerSlam 1993 was a pretty underrated card. Most people will remember it as the epitome of Lex Luger's failed run as a top face in the WWF, scoring a countout win over Yokozuna. It was enough to to give him a boost with a victory over the behemoth WWF Champion, but it showed enough of the lack of faith that the WWF had in him to carry the World Champion, a point that would be reinforced at WrestleMania X. Despite that, there were a lot of damn fine matches and performances on the card. The opener was a fun tilt between Razor Ramon and Ted DiBiase. DiBiase was clearly on the downside of his career, a bit bloated and hobbled from his lingering injuries, but it was still a pretty cool match. The Steiners and Heavenly Bodies rocked the house with their Tag Team Championship match. The Bodies were a lot better than I remembered them. Bam Bam Bigelow showed why he's among the best big-man wrestlers of all-time, and of course, you can't go wrong with Bret Hart wrestling Jerry Lawler, even if it was after a bunch of theatrics and a match with Doink.

The best match on the card though was the Intercontinental Championship match. Shawn Michaels, who was about a year or two removed from throwing Marty Janetty through a plate glass window, took on Curt "Mr. Perfect" Hennig in a match where Michaels claimed he wasn't only defending the IC Title, but the mantel of "Best IC Champ of all-time". This was strange territory for Hennig. Most of his WWF career saw him as a hated heel, a guy who provided faces such as Kerry Von Erich and Bret Hart a good foil in their feuds. However, this was in the wake of the dissolution of his in-character friendship with Ric Flair, which led to Hennig defeating Flair on RAW in a loser leaves town match.

Anyway, this match had a lot of tension, some good chain wrestling, an early version of Sweet Chin Music when it wasn't deemed to be finisher-grade yet and as exciting a countout finish as you'll find anywhere. Enjoy!

Shawn Michaels vs Mr Perfect - Summerslam 1993
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Not-So-Instant Feedback: I Can't Believe I Watched That Shit

Sweeping change, Hogan? I stand by my Liars in Orlando post.

I'll give Impact this much. AJ Styles as Nature Boy mk III (how many people remember that Buddy Rogers was the first Nature Boy?) was awesome. It's the role he was born to play. Mr. Kennedy Anderson's promo was pretty entertaining as well, and Abyss' facial expressions as he stood behind him were classic. Abyss may be hit-or-miss in the ring, but he's a decent personality. I thought the TBP beatdown on Angelina Love was effective, and Angle/Styles was okay until the finish.

After that, it was boring at best. I mean, yeah, there was a lot more cringe-worthy material even on 1/4, but the show didn't feel like it had Russo's fingerprints all over it outside of the Orlando scr... fuck it, I will never refer to that as what they want me to refert to it as again. Still, it didn't feel like it had a competent touch behind it either. It felt like book by numbers with the wrong people going over and the wrong people being the focus of the program.

And then the schmozz ending to the main event. Okay, where do I start? For one, if you were going to rehash Montreal, wouldn't it have made sense to do it at the first submission hold AJ put on Angle, the figure four? Way to blow the kayfabe right out of the match, Hebner's not going to call for the bell on the first submission because it's not his cue, rather than trying to keep up some semblance like they care about not being totally exposed.

Secondly, they took everything STRAIGHT from the playbook the thing they were imitating. The event was a carbon copy, straight down to the referee doing the screwing. If you were trying to make people believe that this was a shoot, wouldn't the best way to go not be aping the first thing down to the tee?

Third... seriously, that should have ended the show. Not Bischoff coming down screaming that Mick Foley was fired. THIS SHOULD GO WITHOUT SAYING.

Fourth, you make it a point to come out and tell the mutants not to chant obscenities, and then let Angle drop F-bombs? Yeah, that'll show 'em!

Honestly, the narrative in TNA is all wrong right now. The roster's too big to the point where major players aren't appearing every week (where was Jeff Jarrett? where was Samoa Joe? where was Homicide? Amazing Red? Tara?), and they don't have the luxury of having three shows to disperse the talent they have. The focus is misplaced on The Band, Mick Foley, the Nasty Boys, i.e. old washed up guys who can't work anymore. My wife was watching with me and she asked "is everyone in this division old and out of shape?" How are you going to expect to attract new fans if this is the image you're projecting?

I'd say I give up, but for some reason, maybe out of duty, maybe because I feel like even though I'm a hobbyist blogger that I need to see everything I can of American wrestling, I'll be back next week to see what kind of horrors await. Who knows, maybe they'll get something right by accident eventually.

What If The Rock Had Stuck Around?

"Do you smell what The Rock is cookin'?" That was the question posed for the better part of a decade by one of the great wrestlers and entertainers of our time to WWF/E fans. Many of them, myself included, ate it up. Others hated on him for God knows what reason. Whatever side of the fence you're on though, you can't deny that the WWE feels emptier without him.

Yes, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson was a larger-than-life presence every time he stepped into the arena and headed down to the squared circle. That presence will eventually make at least a one-night return, as Rock has said he will eventually host an episode of RAW. The void will be filled for one night, he'll probably cut an amazing promo like he did on the Smackdown 10th Anniversary special. He'll call someone a jabroni. He'll interact with Triple H no doubt, perhaps The Miz, Chris Jericho and the Big Show. He may or may not wrestle, but they'll probably give him the opportunity to drop the People's Elbow or shoot a Rock Bottom.

But what if he were to show up at next week's RAW like he was still an employee of the WWE because he has been one for all this time? It's a what-if scenario, folks. What if the Rock didn't go on to make movies and stayed as a full-time wrestler, or even as a part-time wrestler, part-time actor? How would the course of history have changed? The short answer:

The Rock would already be considered as the best professional wrestler of all-time.

Don't do a double-take. I'm dead serious. Rocky was already on his way to getting there before he discovered that Hollywood studios would pay him ungodly amounts of money to put his body through far less strain than he was already undergoing on a yearly basis. I contend that it would be far more asinine to think that Rocky wouldn't be the most revered and respected pro wrestler of all time if he were appearing regularly on a continual basis than the opposite. Let's look at the reasons:

He's one of the best, if not the best, promo man of all-time

Quick, name ten guys better on the stick than The Rock. If you can, I'm either calling bullshit or questioning how much of The Rock you've ever seen. Very few are in his stratusphere. Mick Foley, Hulk Hogan and Jim Cornette are three that I think are solidly in his class. Anyone else and we start to debate. I mean, this isn't to demean anyone else who's legitimately great on the microphone. I have no doubts that Ted DiBiase, Ric Flair, Randy Savage, Vince McMahon, Shane Douglas and others were excellent when they were cutting promos. Still, it's a testament to how awesome Rock was rather than how middling the other guys were (or in this case, weren't)

Tone and pitch came perfectly to him. He knew how to talk, how to speak in a way where he'd get the crowd so riled up, even if he were just reading ingredients off the back of a bottle of Pepsi Throwback. Most of the time though, he had something of substance to say. He was the best shit-talker in wrestling history. There was none other. His quick wit offered him ready jabs at targets from The Big Show to the Hurricane.

And he was versatile. He could get a crowd to hate him as easily as he could get them to love him. This made him programmable against anyone. He was smart about it too. He could sense when the crowd was turning on him and supporting the other guy. It didn't matter if he was pandering to the crowd or telling them to stop playing sing-along, Rock was the best heel or face promo the WWF/E ever had.

He was one of the best, if not the best wrestler on the roster in his time there

This is where I expect to hear the most complaining. "Oh, Rocky only had five moves." "Oh, the People's Elbow was stupid." "Oh, Rock oversold." "Oh, Rock's Sharpshooter sucked." To that I say IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK SUCKS ABOUT THE ROCK! Seriously, it doesn't. Most criticisms of The Rock are baseless and ignore what make a wrestling match great. First, let's start off with the moveset.

The most frequent complaint amongst the AOL Chatroom crowd was that because Rock only had a few moves he'd do on a regular basis instead of the millions and millions of moves that Steve Aus... no, wait, Austin did fewer wrestling moves and was all punchy-kicky for his tenure in the WWF. Oh yeah, Bret Hart had a lot of... no, actually he didn't. In fact, the term "Five Moves of Doom" originated to describe Hart's offense. To find a guy who did more than the moves that Rocky did on a regular basis would be to look at the WCW cruiserweights or at ECW. Clearly, the people who criticized Rock for that transgression either were ignorant to that fact or they willfully ignored it for their own agenda. The fact is that the WWF then had never been about how many moves you could stuff into a match. Even recently, as the perception of the promotion has changed, no one really does more than five or so moves during a match. The rest are punches, kicks and standard whip-and-resthold fare.

Where Rock excelled was storytelling in the ring. He could be an arrogant jerk and trash talk his opponent while he was down, which he often did in his NoD heel days as the brash, neophyte blue-chip rebel. He always put over his opponents' offense, whether it was a giant like Kane or someone smaller like Jericho. He was also very, very shrewd. Just as he could do heel or face just as well on the mic, he was very astute as to the crowds reaction to him. The best example of this was at WrestleMania 18 against Hulk Hogan. Hogan was a broken down old coot, but Rocky, in addition to having to carry the ring work in the match, sensed that the Toronto crowd was starting to root for the Hulkster. Along with the amazing job of carrying he did, what made the match so great despite Hogan's deficiencies was the way Rocky played the crowd and made them turn on him even more. I don't care if the only move that Rocky did in that match was the fucking Bronco Buster. Things like that made Rocky a stellar, stellar wrestler.

And don't give me any bullshit about his "overselling". You know who else sold and continues to sell pretty dramatically? Shawn Michaels. Yep, Shawn Michaels, a guy whom people today still fall over each other to verbally fellate for his ring skills is the king of the oversell (or at the very least the prince of it... Hogan was notorious for his dramatics as well). When I see stuff like that, and then compare matches between Rocky and HBK, it makes me wonder why people even try to claim objectivity.

And yes, while the People's Elbow was a lame move, was it any lamer than Hulking up? Or the Undertaker's patented no-sell sit up after getting hit with everything but the kitchen sink? Michaels suddenly being okay enough to kip up and deliver Sweet Chin Music after taking a shitload of damage? No, it's not. If anything, the Elbow was a perfect compliment to his character, a move that only a guy as cocky and delusional as he was would use. Yeah, it spawned other unbelievable crap, but you can't help WHAT GOT OVER. The Elbow was OVER. The Worm was OVER. The Five Knuckle Shuffle is OVER.

Quibbling about silly technicalities really confuses the issue, that The Rock more than anybody else GOT the WWF/E style. He knew how to work a nuanced match with guys that were capable of it like Angle or Austin, guys that needed their hands held bad like Goldberg and senior citizen Hogan and everyone in between. He knew how to pace a match, he knew when and where the big spots needed to be pulled out. AS was mentioned before, he was maybe the most crowd-savvy wrestler ever. Rock's in-ring intelligence coupled with his natural athletic ability put him as the best wrestler in the company by the time 2001 rolled around. He was better than He Who Shall Not Be Named (by a large margin). He was better than Jericho. Better than Trips. Better than Angle. Better than Undertaker. The only person who came close to him was Eddie Guerrero, and even then, it was Rocky decisively. Anyone else who'll tell you otherwise is a hater.

He was willing to put anyone over

The mark of a great wrestler isn't how many times he wins, but how good he looks. Rock understood that and he also understood that his heat was Teflon. He could job to anyone, give anyone a rub and the next week, he'd still be nuclear over. He knew his spot was protected, so he helped build stars in an attempt to keep the company's main event (read: money-making) stream viable and healthy. He was a team player. Now, you could argue that he could afford to be a team player, but how many times do you see a guy who has it all in terms of card position and overness who doesn't give the rub out, or who only gives it to his friends? I mean, forget the guiltiest party in this decade, look at Hulk Hogan. The biggest draw in wrestling history until Austin came around, and he weaseled his way out of putting over a strong babyface successor to him at almost every turn except with the Warrior, a guy whose mental instability had to be known throughout the locker room by the time he got to the top. Look at how many times he got cronies of his put into high positions on the card. The guy had it all, and he wouldn't share, so you can't really say that anyone in Rock's position would have done the things Rocky did.

Because he did it, he was able to help get Brock Lesnar, the Hurricane, Triple H, Mick Foley, Big Show, Kane and a few other guys get over whatever humps they were trying to get over. I mean, that's admirable, and a guy who can get both himself and everyone else over is a credit to the business.

Considering all of the above, The Rock would have dusted everyone had he stuck around in the GoAT debate

Right now, even with his limited time in the business, The Rock can be considered an all-timer, a strong candidate to be considered the greatest of all-time. He was in a ton of memorable matches. He drew money. He had killer feuds. His talents were undeniable. So with less than 10 years of service under his belt, he is in the conversation at the head of the pack. With a whole career... would he be a lock for the greatest ever? No doubt.

You can argue all you want, but longevity has a huge role in how anything is ranked. To cite Hogan again, the guy was excellent, but he was also excellent for the better part of two decades out of a career that's spanned close to four so far. Flair is another one that had peak and time. But did they have a peak as high as Rocky's (one that would have shone through even brighter had he not been subjected to Vince Russo's mockery of wrestling booking between the years of 1997 and 1999)? I don't think so. Flair was a comparable wrestler, but Rock was a way better talker. Hogan was as good an interview, but Rock was a tremendously better wrestler (even if you take into account that Hogan himself was underrated in the ring).

Alas, this is all an exercise in what might have been. Every time another movie like The Tooth Fairy comes out, the absence of the Great One stings even more than it did before. The Rock was one of a kind, and we're never gonna see another as good as he was ever again. When he hosts RAW, cherish it, because it'll be the last glimpse of Rock as a wrestler that we'll most likely ever see.

Friday Five: House Shows

The sight-unseen wrestling event for fans in towns that don't get TV tapings. It's the house show!

1. How many house shows have you been to?

2. What's your feeling on the house show title switch?

3. What is more likely to make you buy a house show ticket, a highlight match or an actual wrestler/wrestlers appearing?

4. Do you subscribe to the theory "If it doesn't happen on TV, it doesn't happen"?

5. Do mainstream wrestling companies still need house shows?

Newsy Follow-Ups, Thanks to F4W

Courtesy of F4W

- Regarding the Randy Orton/gum spitting incident, it turns out that according to a witness on scene, Orton never spat gum at anyone. It was also a bunch of kids looking to get photos taken, Orton turning them down, one of the kids yelling profanities at him and Orton charging, needing to be held back. Paints a lot clearer of a picture, although details still seem to be muddied. Still, Orton shouldn't have charges filed against him if he didn't do anything but charge at them.

- Regarding Awesome Kong, she apparently gave TNA her notice of leaving, but Meltz and his crew are skeptical that she'll actually follow through, as "80% of the time or more they get talked into staying." I hope she does follow through though, because that would be one step closer to my dream tag team of Kong and Beth Phoenix challenging for the WWE Unified Tag Team Championships.

Chikara's Touch of Class Card Finalized

Courtesy of Chikara Pro.com



The card for Chikara's Season 9 premiere, A Touch of Class, was finalized today. Looking at the lineup, it looks like a very fun card. I'm majorly stoked for it, especially since it's only the first half of a wrestlecentric day for me (The Royal Rumble is later that night). Hopefully, this preview will get you off the fence if you're on it about getting a ticket and heading on down to the Arena, and maybe the folks over at Chikara HQ will think about sending a few shekels my way for the pimpage? Nah, I keed, I keed. As long as Chikara is around and still putting out excellent shows, I'll continue to shill it for free and consider it my privilege.

But without further ado, let's run this card down, right:

Chikara Campeonatos de Parejas Match
The Colony (c, Fire Ant, Soldier Ant) vs. Team FIST (Icarus, Gran Akuma)

This will be my first live CdP defense, and I'm excited. FIST and the Colony have such great chemistry together as we saw last year with the culmination of their feud. With the emergence of the BDK, FIST might have appeared to take a backseat as the top rudos in the company, so I expect them to really amp up the dickishness. I'm expecting a slam-bang main event here.

Mike Quackenbush, Lince Dorado and Equinox vs. Claudio Castagnoli, Ares and Tursas

I'm guessing this is the co-main event, the big battle on the card to represent the Chikara/BDK war as the face of the company, Quackenbush, will be thrown right into the fray. The guy I'll be watching in this match most closely is Tursas. 6'7" and 328 lbs.? Are you nuts? Chikara is known for the smaller guys with athleticism, so I'm wondering if he's even a good fit. Hopefully he's more Mark Henry than Great Khali in the land of the little dudes.

Chikara Young Lions Cup Trophy Match
Player Dos (c) vs. Tim Donst

This was the final match announced. A CdP AND a YLC defense on the card? Score! Dos is coming off an acclaimed match at Three Fisted Tales where he German suplexed Lince Dorado into the steel steps so hard that I think the people passing the Arena walking to Forman Mills felt it. Donst will be representing the BDK. Blog fan Sean McLaughlin seems to think that no matter what, after the match, the YLC Champion will be in the BDK Champ, and if Dos retains, well, that will be a swerve and a half, especially since the smart money has his erstwhile partner, Player Uno, as the one most likely to defect. Speaking of Uno...

Create-a-Wrestler, Sugar Dunkerton and Player Uno vs. The UnStable (Colin Delaney, Vin Gerard, STIGMA)

Blog fan Ziasaurus Hiltey seems to think that the 8th BDK will be STIGMA, which makes sense given his history with those who've held the Eye of Tyr and his epic 2008 feud with the Chikara tecnicos. The UnStable has also kinda fallen by the wayside since concluding their feud with D'Lo Brown and Glacier at Aniversario Yang, which is a shame, because they were really over at one point. Regardless, this match has been billed to have major King of Trios implications, so I expect that the winner will probably remain intact through the tournament at least. I'm expecting some shenanigans with CAW as well, as his last appearance on the Podcast-a-Go-Go saw him get shocked changing a fuse, as well as him making an appearance with Dunkerton as one of his prior incarnations, Ultimo Breakfast. What personality will he show up as? Who knows, but if the end game is him permanently as Dasher Hatfield, I'll be a very, very happy man.

Hallowicked vs. Brodie Lee

A matchup between two of the larger guys in the company, I think this one could be a darkhorse for match of the night. Lee is a man without a trio now that the Roughnecks are no more and Eddie Kingston (a darkhorse to be the 8th BDK, in my humble opinion) has seemed to have gravitated to tecnico-by-default status vis-a-vis his longtime rival Claudio Castagnoli's defection to the invaders.

Grizzly Redwood, Pelle Primeau and Andy Ridge vs. the Order of the Neo-Solar Temple (UltraMantis Black, Delirious, Crossbones)

Crossbones is my personal pick to join the BDK, which would make them the beefiest faction in Chikara history, but that aside, I'm expecting this to be an expositionary squash for the ONST. I'm glad to see that Grizzly is a tecnico now (which is what a borderline-midget lumberjack SHOULD be, to be quite honest), but the new guys aren't going to win here.

The Osirian Portal (Ophidian, Amasis) vs. Sara del Rey and Daizee Haze

This is the match I'm most looking forward to. Man vs. woman matches are mostly virgin territory for wrestling promotions, but I think Chikara's the best place to try it out, given the relative size of most of the male competitors. The Portal are one of the best, if not the best tag team on the market right now, and I think they're the perfect pair to begin SDR and Daizee's quest to compete with the males after Chikara failed to give them suitable female competition.

Green Ant vs. Pinkie "Pink Ant" Sanchez

This one should be a very heated match, even if I'm not entirely sure that it'll have a decisive finish. The issues between these guys started way before Pinkie Sanchez took off the Carpenter Ant mask and unveiled himself as an infiltrator to the Colony. Green Ant had some accusatory things to say about Carpenter in blogs as soon as a month after the mysterious wood ant debuted helping the Colony win their lucha de apuesta against Team FIST. Sanchez has impressed under the guise of the Carpenter, winning the 2009 Ciebernetico Incredible with an inverted Chikara Special. Again, I don't see a decisive finish, and I hope not either because there's mileage between these two guys, a feud that can define and help make both guys in 2010.

As I've been hinting throughout the column, the 8th BDK will be unveiled during this event. The smart money candidates have already been named - Uno, Crossbones, STIGMA - but what if it's someone from way out of leftfield? Like Quackenbush? That would be Hulk Hogan-to-the-nWo levels of insane. How about UMB? Having him plant the entire scenario might seem VKM-as-Higher-Power levels of lame at first, but I think it might have legs. However, I think that the most intriguing guy they could bring in, and one that makes a ton of sense if you count what's been going on in ROH and other feds, is Chris Hero.

Hero made his bones in Chikara, and for him to come back to aid his Kings of Wrestling partner Castagnoli would add a more delicious level to the doings. Hero, chased from Chikara by the tecnicos led by Quackenbush, coming back to get his revenge by destroying the fed from the inside. Either way, even if the 8th member unveiling is underwhelming, I have very, very high hopes for the matches on the card, and I think that those in attendance on Sunday the 31st will be in for a major treat.

Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein - Please visit his site to view the plentiful amounts of pictures he's taken for DGUSA, ROH and other indie feds: Get Lost Photography

This Week in Off-Topic: I'm on Team Letterman

Welcome to a new weekly feature on the blog, This Week in Off-Topic. It is what the name says, an off-topic-to-wrestling post just to spice things up a bit. Don't worry, it'll only be one post a week, but hey, I have non-wrestling thoughts too. Sometimes. Not very often.

Aaaanyway, unless you're foreign to the US/Canada or you've been living under a rock, NBC has been in the process of royally screwing up their late night talk show lineup for the second time in two decades. The first time happened when Johnny Carson retired and they bumbled their way into naming Jay Leno his heir to the Tonight Show despite rumblings that it would be David Letterman. Letterman followed Carson on his Late Show, and was the odds-on favorite to take the slot, but NBC bungled things up. Letterman is still bitter to this day, although his bitterness manifests itself in cutting jokes, both at the network and at Leno whom he felt stabbed him in the back. Leno had been a regular on Letterman's show and a close friend until, in Letterman's view, he stabbed the gap-toothed lothario of the interns in the back.

I was ten at the time, so I didn't understand what was going on. If I did, I'd have been Team Letterman all the way. I don't really watch late night television a lot, but when I do, I'm with CBS and Letterman all the way. Dave isn't afraid to cut when he needs to cut, he's an excellent interviewer, and his features, including the Top Ten, are for the most part laugh-inducing. Funny, CBS is a network known for its boring, pandering-to-old-farts television in prime time, and they employ the edgy late night guy. NBC, a network that has brought us phenomenal, cutting-edge shows like Chuck and 30 Rock, has the "safe bet", the guy who'd rather point out the obvious stupidity of the average American rather than go after things that might be the core reason why the average American doesn't know where Iraq is on a map.

Yes, Jay Leno may be a ratings winner, but he's also boring as all fuck. I tried watching him, I just couldn't get into him. It's the most insipid of observational humor, like pointing out the obvious. Bert Kreischer, a comedian, appeared on the Preston and Steve morning show here in Philly, and he hit the nail on the head describing Leno's target audience. He described them as the people who write angry letters into the network if they show something remotely risque on television. Remember back to that Simpsons episode where Kent Brockman screamed an obscenity on the air after Homer spilled hot coffee on him. He didn't get fired from his post until Ned Flanders, reviewing EVERY TV show from the last week for something to bitch about, came across it and wrote an angry letter to Brockman's TV station.

That's right, Jay Leno's core audience is full of Ned Flanderses.

They feel too uncomfortable watching Letterman, or Kimmel, or hell, even George Lopez on TBS; I mean, he had Jennifer Love Hewitt on his show talking about how she bedazzled her vagina. (lolwut?) The fact that you can't even vaguely refer to genitalia on network TV without the Flanderses coming out and screaming bloody murder is sign enough for you that that wouldn't have flown with Leno's audience.

But what does that have to do with anything? Yeah, I just described the 11:35 PM talk show scene for the last 20 years, but what does this have to do with Conan O'Brien? Well, everything really. When Leno said he was going to retire in five years in 2004, there was no way in hell that Conan should have believed that history wasn't going to repeat itself. Conan, like Letterman, attracts a hipper, smarter crowd than Leno. I mean, he has cred as a former writer for the Simpsons, and his regular bits include a dog that likes to poop on everything and the freaking Masturbating Bear. Plus, we know how Leno weaseled his way into the Tonight Show gig in front of Letterman. What would make anyone think that he wouldn't change his mind in the five years he gave himself to wind the show down?

Then, of course, in the final stroke of foreshadowing for all this, instead of leaving the network after retiring, Leno took what was probably the most idiotic time slot to put a talk show on a weeknight, 10 PM. Shouldn't Jay have known that his core audience was already watching NCIS or whatever CSI spinoff that the Flanders demographic already watches on CBS at that time slot? This was a disaster waiting to happen.

That being said, I'm not on Team Conan per se. I'm not against him, but I've never watched his show, and outside of his brilliant writing for the Simpsons, I really don't know what he's all about other than what other people tell me. The reason why I'm so vehemently in his corner and against Leno is because I'm with Team Letterman. This has happened before, the ballsier choice was let go because the network wanted someone "safe" (I refrain from using the term "more talented" because from what I've heard, before he took the Tonight Show gig, Leno was among the best stand-up comedians ever along with Richard Pryor and George Carlin). To be on Team Letterman is to back Conan O'Brien in this debacle like you were a hardcore fan of his show.

And yes, it may seem unfair to heap all this on Leno because it's the network's doing. NBC didn't give Conan nearly enough time. NBC were the idiots who created the combustible situation where they kept the highly successful talk show host they were pushing out, dumping him into a timeslot doomed for failure. Jeff Zucker and all his sycophants aping the party line deserve to die in a fire for this, but at the same time, this isn't the first time that Leno has come out looking like a weasel. Yeah, he's said the right things, but actions speak louder than words.

And with history repeating itself, as a wrestling fan, you can only sit back and watch how these Late Night Wars make the old Monday Night Wars look like tea socials in comparison, no?