Guest Review: ACW Delusions of Our Childish Days

The stockings were laid on the plunder with care...
Photo Credit: Brandon Stroud

Brandon Stroud writes about sports (and sometimes pro graps) at With Leather and about THE INTERNET at Progressive Boink. He also kindly takes time out of his day to write reviews for Anarchy Championship Wrestling shows that he attends and enjoys. Here is his review for Delusions of Our Childish Days, ACW's annual December event. Enjoy!

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I took in an NWA Smoky Mountain show in Mt. Carmel, Tennessee on Friday. I considered sending in a report. It was attended by maybe 15 people and began with an old army vet explaining how if we had a problem with any of the rasslers, we need to come tell HIM about it, because he runs this army reserve building, and he's proudly had rasslers in it for 35 years or whatever. It was pretty hilarious all around. There were only 5 matches on the card, but one of them featured Zac Vincent, and he is the midwest independent guy I want in legit promotions like St. Louis Anarchy and AIW the most.

Anyway, enough of that. I got back into Austin in time for ACW's Christmas show, Delusions Of Our Childish Days, and as I'm known to do, here's a thing about it.

Pre-show:

The Business (Jojo Bravo and Thomas Shire) defeated The Lost Boys (Jason Silver and Sky De Lacrimosa) and The Electric Company (Jack Jameson and Ricky Romida) to retain the ACW Tag Team Championships. The Business defends the belts under the Freebird rule, which becomes important later. Jojo is pretty much the truth, so this was fun, but it features a couple of the things that bug me about ACW shows -- people on the regular card showing up to pull double duty on the pre-show, the pre-show screw-around matches being the only ones that get put up on YouTube and huge multi-everybody elimination things. I'm not going to complain, though, because Jojo Bravo does a banzai drop, and it is my wrestling happy place.

Jessicka Havok, Jessica James, Athena and Christina Von Eerie defeated Rachel Summerlyn, Portia Perez, Barbi Hayden and Machiko. See what I'm talking about? Again, not going to complain too much, because the ACW Joshi division has more awesome wrestlers in it than most full promotions, and one of these people is my favorite. GUESS WHICH ONE. This was shorter than I expected, but most of the people involved were in the main, and Barbi had a follow-up match immediately afterward, so that's to be expected.

Barbi Hayden defeated Jason Silver. Okay, so according to what I can figure out, Jason Silver carries around blood in a beer bottle, and if you drink it you become a vampire. He poured it on Machiko once, but I guess she didn't drink it so she's fine. Silver offered immortality to Barbi, who turned him down and beat him pretty handily. Highlight of the match was the crowd deciding that Silver's bottle was full of pee, and that he was just trying to get Barbi Hayden to drink pee. Honestly, that's a way better storyline.

Actual show!

The Takeover (Cowboy James Claxton and Carson) defeated Ricky Starks and Kyle Hawk. Chanting BEER MONEY at Claxton and Carson is my new favorite thing in the world, mostly because of how little they can take a joke, and because I fucking miss and loved Beer Money. Anyway, Starks and Hawk worked their butts off, but this was a typical lower card Takeover squash. The Takeover is the worst, and they won't stop shooting on people. HEY EVERYBODY IN THE BACK, WE'RE GONNA TAKE OVER, BLERGH, POLITICS AND PEOPLE WHO CAN'T WORK SOMETHING SOMETHING and all I go home thinking is "The Takeover is always in terrible matches." Every company's gotta have their shitty invader stable, I guess.

ACH defeated Bolt Brady. Dude. DUDE. I know Tom Holzerman's The Wrestling Blog is probably the #1 place you'd expect to see somebody blowing smoke up ACH's ass, but seriously, this was a match of the year contender in the most non-hyperbolic, reasonable way I can tell you. It was two incredible athletes going as hard as they could and breaking out some of the most ridiculously awesome shit you've ever seen. At one point ACH ran across the stage, ran from the stage to the outside of the middle rope and plancha'd into the ring into Bolt in one smooth move. Just goosebumps the entire time. Bolt/ACH should become the new Cabana/Punk, where indy promoters find out about it and want to run the match in front of their audience. Massive holy shits all the way around, and the first timers sitting around me all agreed that it was more or less the best thing we'd ever seen.

Shawn Vexx defeated Pierre Abernathy, Gary Jay and Thomas Shire to retain the ACW Televised Title. This was fun, increasingly so when it looked like Pierre might take it. Pierre and Thomas Shire comedy wrestling is something that needs to happen in a one-on-one match at some point. Introducing people to Pierre Abernathy for the first time is amazing, and much like I wish Chikara fans could see ACH in his most comfortable environment, I wish they could see the Squad unleashed live at ACW. The DVDs just don't do it justice. It's largely about the experience of being there with them, and REALLY wanting Pierre to do a spinning 450 springboard splash when he calls for it.

Evan Gelistico defeated Barrett Brown. This was all about the sudden, unexpected return of Five Star Amanda Fox, now with a shaved head and (I guess) Submission Squad membership. She left suddenly last year, and I'm really, really happy to have her back. One of my friends referred to her looking like Serena Deeb and CM Punk had done the fusion dance. Pretty stoked for a 2013 with Amanda Fox in it.

Masada defeated Darin Childs. This was Masada's return to ACW, and as much as CZW-style brawling isn't my thing, Masada does it better than anybody. Nobody gets their ass kicked quite as brutally as when they're in the ring with him, and Darin was no exception.

The Kings Of The Underground (Scot Summers and Ryan Genesis) defeated Matthew Palmer and Davey Vega, and technically ACH. This is a tale of two intersecting stories -- Vexx and Vega are feuding over the Anarchy Televised Title (and Athena), so he showed up early on in the match to take Vega out. Instead of leaving Palmer in there by himself, ACH showed up to fill in ... but he didn't want to help TOO much, because he's wrestling Palmer at Guilty By Association. Eventually Summers and Genesis took it, and Showtime finished the match by sitting in my lap and yelling at people for being smart marks. Not me, thankfully.

Jessicka Havok defeated Miss Maulie. The scheduled match was Jessicka and Jaykus Plisken, but Jaykus is Jaykus so he called her a bitch hog a few times and made her fight Maulie instead. Maulie was schwein'd and pinned before Jaykus could even leave the ring and turn around. That led to:

Jaykus Plisken defeated Jessicka Havok. But just barely. It wasn't the brawl I expected it to be, but when J-Hav starts throwing hands, people start dying. She's such a welcomed addition to these shows whenever she can be on them. Her Germans on Jaykus (who is legitimately a big dude) were the raddest. Jaykus eventually got the win with an iffy-looking Kenny Omega finisher, and showed a decent amount of "sorry for calling you a bitch hog" class post-match with a handshake. So, progression!

SERIOUS PROFESSIONAL WRESTLER ALERT
Photo Credit: Brandon Stroud

The Business (Jojo Bravo and Chris Trew) defeated JC Bravo and Stan Summers, Killa Kash and Sky de Lacrimosa, and The Electric Company (Jack Jameson and Ricky Romida) to retain the ACW Tag Team Championships. You read that right, Chris Trew wrestled. This was my second favorite match of the show, mostly because of how I got to be in the Business' corner and really see and hear everything they were doing. Trew is so good at his job that the ACW crowd doesn't know what to do with it. They actually hate him, as opposed to that joshing BOO YOU SUCK thing they do a lot. He makes them mad, and nobody else really does that, and it's the closest thing to legit, classic wrestling heat in ACW. Trew played the stooge and let everybody else do the work, but ran in for a splash in the corner (which HE sold, not his opponent) and some of the weakest kicks you could imagine. Combined with Jojo's awesome wrestling, they're basically the perfect thing to infuriate an audience like this. His post-match promo about how there are no other relevant managers in pro wrestling (and how if you don't like Chris Trew, you're doing it wrong) was pitch-perfect. And he's right. If you don't like The Business, you're doing it wrong. I'm looking in your direction, joyless hipsters who sit on the stage.

Christmas Death Match: Rachel Summerlyn defeated Angel Blue, Jessica James, Christina Von Eerie, Athena and Portia Perez to retain the ACW Heavyweight Championship. This was pretty out of control, with stockings full of weapons, thumb tacks, broken Christmas ornaments, shoot candy canes and more, but for me it was mostly about fearing for/hoping Portia Perez was okay. She was clearly not very comfortable being in a death match, and I can't blame her. She lasted until the very end, when Rachel made her tap to a Texas Cloverleaf. Hey, I was in the house for Portia's first title win, and I'll be there for the second one, whenever that happens. Respect to everybody who put their body on the line for this one.

Come to Austin and watch Guilty By Association next month, person reading this on the Internet. It's a thing you don't want to miss. And I need to convert as many people into The Business fans as possible.