Friday, March 8, 2013

The WrestleMania Mix Tape

My WWE Championship mix tape match
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Blog reader, agent of Twitter awesomeness, and the esteemed LOBSTER MOBSTER, Jessica Hudnall, posed unto me a challenge. Given that I am a manly man with muscles in my muscles AND MY BRAIN, I did not back down from this challenge, which was the following. I was to create a WrestleMania mix-tape, drawing from every match in Mania history. However, my limitations were that I could not repeat title matches nor could I reuse wrestlers. That is to say I couldn't have, I dunno, Steve Austin, in more than one match, nor could I have two WWE Championship matches. With that in mind, I pored over each card and put together the following supershow mix tape. I hope you like it.

WWE Championship Match: CM Punk (c) vs. Chris Jericho from WrestleMania XXVIII

The WWE Championship is a weird thing in that it's rarely ever been considered the centerpiece match on a show. Hogan/Andre, Hart/Michaels, and Austin/Rock (X-7) all combined the hype with delivery, but I went with Punk/Jericho for two reasons. First, I needed to have Punk on this card because he is the WWE's present and near-future, and I didn't want to have him in throwaway matches against Rey Mysterio or Randy Orton. Second, I figured Bret Hart, Shawn Michaels, Steve Austin, and The Rock were needed in more iconic matches later on. As for Hogan/Andre? Well, that was a tough call, but this could be argued as both Punk's and Jericho's signature match at Mania. Jericho might be more of a stretch, but his other matches either really were overblown (WM 2000) or were against opponents needed elsewhere (Edge, HBK). As for the match itself, it has become over the last year my favorite from last year's Mania, and it's a fine representation of the top title at the biggest event.

World Heavyweight Championship: Kurt Angle (c) vs. Randy Orton vs. Rey Mysterio from WrestleMania 22

I originally had Angle/Brock Lesnar penciled in here, but I looked it up and it wasn't for the Big Gold Belt. D'oh! Anyway, I'm not thrilled by having Orton on my mix tape, ESPECIALLY with the backdrop of "Eddie's in hell" as his inclusion in the match. That being said, Angle and Mysterio both had to be here, as they were two of the most important performers in WWE in the last decade.

Intercontinental Championship Ladder Match: Shawn Michaels (c) vs. Razor Ramon (c) from WrestleMania X

This is the seminal WrestleMania gimmick match. I remember being so amped for this match at the time because I was so insulted that Razor Ramon was being kept from his rightful claim to the Intercontinental Championship. Michaels had a fake belt! It was an impostor! I wanted Jack Tunney to strip Michaels, but I'm glad they decided to settle it the pro wrestling way. Both Hall and Michaels had such a command of the moment in this match, and it's still in my top three of Mania matches ever, along with Savage/Steamboat and another match that will appear later on this list, spoiler alert.

United States Championship Match: The Big Show (c) vs. John Cena from WrestleMania XX

I struggled to think of a proper US Championship match to put on here, so I mulled leaving it off altogether, but then I found my choice at Mania XX. This was the opening match, far from being an all-time classic, but it fulfills three important things here. First, it has John Cena and Big Show, again, two of WWE's most important performers ever. Two, it gets the US Championship on the card, which for better or worse, is part of WWE lore thanks to about a decade of tradition. Three, it's John Cena's first Mania match and his first title win in the company. I think that's a pretty important historical chestnut, don't you?

WWE Tag Team Championship Ladder Match: The Dudley Boys (c) vs. Edge and Christian vs. The Hardy Boyz from WrestleMania 2000

Two ladder matches on the same card? MADNESS! If this were happening in real life, I might be stuck for a Tag Title match, but it's a mix tape. And if I want two ladder matches on this card, I'm putting two GD ladder matches on it. Besides, this is probably the hallmark match for the tag team division at the turn of the most recent century. It created a lot of stars, including Edge and Jeff Hardy, but it also probably shortened Edge's career and set both Hardy Boys on the path of substance abuse. C'est la vie, I suppose. To this day, I still regard this match as one of the finest, if not the finest, car crash spotfests ever. They raised the bar pretty damn high with this match, and not many people have come close to approaching it, not even this sextet in subsequent attempts at recreating the mood.

The Streak: Undertaker vs. Triple H from WrestleMania X-7

Forget the last two Streak matches, especially the one that happened at XXVII. The one they did ten years prior to that one is probably the best Streak match ever. I hate Triple H, a fact that is not hidden in the least, but I know when the man puts on an ace performance here. In a way, this match distilled the entire Attitude Era into almost self-parody, which gave the atmosphere of the whole thing an extra aura of specialness. Whether it was the Super Smash Bros.-style dispatching of referees like they were wire-frame redshirts or the brawling all around the arena, or the ridiculous posturing of the sledgehammer, it was crazy popcorn fun, something that Trips wasn't really giving out at this time.

Icon vs. Icon: The Rock vs. Hulk Hogan from WrestleMania X-8

I had no hopes for this match going in. None at all. Hogan had shown me nothing from his later WCW days in the ring, and while I was high on the Rocky bandwagon at the time, I didn't think he could yank a great match out of the Hulkster. I was wrong, but I'm glad I was. The crowd was the catalyst here. Notable contrarian Canadians started cheering the nWo-clad Hulkster, and Rocky savvily started wrestling heel, creating one of the most surreal and organically nostalgic environments in Mania history. For a guy who was tasked with carrying the first eight or nine WrestleManias on his back, it was this match, a contest where he was past his prime wrestling against THE man from the then-current era, that was Hulk Hogan's finest WrestleMania moment, or at least his second-finest one after slamming Andre at Mania III.

"I Quit" Match: "Stone Cold" Steve Austin vs. Bret "The Hitman" Hart from WrestleMania 13

This is my favorite match from WrestleMania history, and one of my favorite matches of all-time. It was perfection, absolute perfection. It had elevation. The crowd turned and thus turned both wrestlers. It had hatred and emotion and passion wrapped up into it. The image of Austin's crimson masked face screaming out but not submitting has become one of the most iconic images in wrestling history. I don't care if you thought their Survivor Series match was better. I don't care if you thought the Iron Man match for Hart or the Rocky match from X-7 for Austin were better. If I'm making a mix tape of iconic Mania matches, this match is here regardless of what anyone else says.

Career-Threatening Match: "Macho King" Randy Savage vs. The Ultimate Warrior from WrestleMania VII

Yes, the Steamboat match was better, but from a personal standpoint, this match has to be here because it's what made me as big a wrestling fan as I am today. Warrior was never as good as he was here, and he never would be better, and it all had to do because he didn't know if he could put away Savage. He looked into his hands, and for once, he sold an expression on his face that would strike fear into my heart as to whether he could continue. But then Savage dropped seven elbows on him and he still kicked out. Savage lost, his career was over, but then that moment, that chrysalis that hooked me for life, happened. Miss Elizabeth came out of the crowd to shoo off a Sensational Sherri who was berating the fallen Macho King. Savage and Liz embraced. I cried. It was the best. It has to be here.

Hollywood Backlot Brawl: Rowdy Roddy Piper vs. Goldust from WrestleMania XII

Rounding out my list is this batshit insanity that was probably the most memorable thing not contained in the main event of this iteration. I had to have Piper here, but Hart and Hogan were already tied up, the boxing match with Mr. T wasn't nearly as fun, and I wasn't going to have him showing up in half-blackface. So let's also get Goldust on here and let them brawl around LA, including a spot where they mocked the OJ Simpson police chase a couple of years too late. Every show needs to have some fun on it, doesn't it?

10 matches seems to be the overall average, so I'll go with that. I also managed to limit myself to one match per Mania, which I think is a feat in and of itself. I also got a good sampling of stars from each era in the Mania time-period. The only ones I really regret leaving out are Owen Hart, Brock Lesnar, Yokozuna, and Eddie Guerrero, but thems be the breaks, I guess. Of course, that wouldn't be the order. Here's how I'd place them on the card:

Open. Michaels/Razor
2. Cena/Show
3. HHH/Taker
4. Angle/Mysterio/Orton
5. Proto-TLC
6. Austin/Hart
7. Savage/Warrior
8. Punk/Jericho
9. Piper/Goldust
Main Event. Rock/Hogan

Ending with two non-title matches might seem fishy, but I'm thinking of overall show here. Hogan/Rock is a match that had such a unique atmosphere, that between that and the utterly anticlimactic build to the Unified Championship match, it should have gone on last in its own Mania. Piper/Goldust is the cooldown match between the WWE Championship and the super hot main event, although really, how goddamn stacked is this card if THAT match is considered a "cooldown match?"

Anyway, I hope you dig this. I think it's a good look into the soul of Mania while getting as good a cross section as any over its history (even if the earliest match on here happened at Mania VII).