Thursday, January 16, 2014

Best Coast Bias: Ryback Walks Out!

This matriarch fornicator don't know how to act
Photo Credit:
Knock, knock!

Who's there?

Interrupting Ryback!

...what th--Interrupting Ryback wh


In an hour of surreality that included a clip of Triple H playing Gary Southern to the flammable water that is Randy Orton's ego/imminent rematch with John Cena/upset loss to Kofi Kingston, a tiny white bull, Brad Maddox finally showing up as the General Manager of this program and the WWE's floor promithreatening to release a 40-song debut album, the man who set out to snatch the spotlight and did so was The Big Guy.

At first, it seemed to make sense: in the show's opening match, his hetero lifemate Curtis Axel was out to face the suddenly resurgent Kofi, and after Axel got small packaged for the loss it wouldn't've exactly been a shock to see the former #1 contender march on out and Meathook the psuedo Jamaican braids off. Ryback marched on out, sure, sassing the fans, yes, and Kofi got into a defensive stance despite the fact the only thing he'd been able to Trouble In Paradise was the ringpost...and Ryback left. Didn't pay any attention to Axel, or Kofi for that matter.

This occurred, apparently, to remind us all that Ryback existed and wasn't fired. In case the point wasn't made then, he replicated it during the Damien Sandow/Sin Cara follow up match, then again after Barrett played his now-usual Debbie Downer, and a fourth time after 3MB registered their second loss of the evening. What the reaction was supposed to be for normal people was probably annoyance, but from this corner was mostly laughter. How far has the Nexus fallen! (Then again, maybe this is all just a long con, considering how close the tiechoker is to capturing the WWE World Championship title(s).)

But to be fair, it was a show highlight and much needed. Sometimes Main Event veers dangerously close to just being the Perfectly Cromulent Wrestling Hour, and it was nice to see a narrative thread developing throughout the show no matter how crammed with Wilco Tango Foxtrot it is for the time being. Speaking of things that'll make you go hmmm, is it good or bad when in a five-and-a-quarter-man/mascot tag match the most over guy/thing is the mascot?

After being quickly felled with a crucifix in a handicap match against the Prime Time Players, Heath Slater reasserted his dominance as the lead singer of the absolute worst WWE has to offer, and based on a prior segment in which even the general heelish Maddox expressed annoyance with the fact that the trifecta existed they were not to find justice on this occasion, though a sop would be thrown despite their losing their handicap match privileges. So out came Los Matadores con El Torito, bringing back warm, fuzzy memories of back when they used to be a thing, and the trios match capped the program. The crowd was chanting "tag the bull", and that's no Torito.

He justified their love in short order, and without seeing it for months on end it's easy to forget how awesome the basement rana driver is. Of course, if you can explain why a midget in a white suit with a nose ring would have the second deadliest finisher in the WWE behind the AA, then you're probably not the sort to find the walking not running Ryback gag amusing, as well. rett had called the crowd livestock earlier in the evening -- for the bull, but he got off lightly by getting hit in the ginger snaps with a baby bull headbutt when he tried to interfere and setting up Definitely Not Primo And Epico for the double Samoan drop on a hindered Mahal.

On a show where finding out Curtis Axel named his kids Brock and Blade and that ended up being maybe the fifth weirdest thing on offer, what else can you say?

Well, maybe this:

Stop trying to make "regular match that probably isn't even going to end the show after a TLC unification main event match" happen, WWE. It's not gonna happen.

Now, Ryback v. El Torito on the other hand...