Monday, February 17, 2014

Celebrate Presidents Day with the Greatest President of Them All

Today is Presidents Day in the United States of America, a day where the land celebrates its chief executives throughout its illustrious history. However, you don't need to be a partisan hack to know that most of the Commanders in Chief this country has seen have unequivocally sucked shit out of groty public toilets. Who is out there worth celebrating? Abraham Lincoln comes to mind, even if he has the Civil War under his belt. William Henry Harrison didn't have enough time to wreak his havoc since he died 30 days into his first term. But regardless of how good or bad the Presidents of the United States have been (TWO STRING INSTRUMENTS FOR LIFEEEEEE), one governing body hasn't had to deal with incompetence in its oval office, and that body was the World Wrestling Federation.

One man stood above the pack. He was firm but fair, affable but decisive, avuncular but authoritative. He shepherded the company through the tough times and led it to unprecedented prosperity at the end of a long recession. He also had a killer recipe for lasagna. That man was the late, great Gorilla Monsoon.

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Monsoon's rise to power was inspiring. He began life as a Manchurian marauder, terrorizing the good denizens of the then-World Wide Wrestling Federation and scaring them into fear and terror. However, nothing in politics is bad enough to keep a true leader down, and he reformed himself to become the voice of a wrestling fan nation, standing up to good friend and better enemy Bobby "The Brain" Heenan and his pro-heel rhetoric. "Will you stop it!" will be known as the most powerful and inspiring statement from a future leader, even moreso than Teddy Roosevelt speaking softly but carrying a big stick, or Barack Obama telling Mitt Romney that he didn't built whatever it is he claimed he built.

Many critics will come out of the woodworks to malign Monsoon's Presidency. However, he handled the Vader Crisis with supreme grace and undeniable poise, and his work as the last great leader of the WWF Nation was lauded and praised. No greater honor could come to him than allowing him to be the last President of the company and bringing forth the new position of "commissioner." No other man, woman, cyborg, or other denominative term could have filled those boots. Some say that the role of commissioner or general manager came with less authoritorial power and thus meant those leaders would govern with decreased efficacy. I say the results would have been the same had they been called President, Prime Minister, or Grand Poobah even.

May everyone celebrate this Presidents Day with the only one who ever mattered. Well, Jack Tunney mattered too, but he went mad with power during his FDR-like stacking of terms upon each other. MAD I SAY. You know who never went mad with power? Gorilla Monsoon, that's who. I salute you, Mr. Monsoon. I salute you.