Monday, March 31, 2014

The Past is Prologue: Total Divas Season 2, Episode 3

A well-deserved slap to Nattie from Summer Rae
Photo Credit:
Everything is suddenly afloat in Total Divas land after an entire run of episodes that truly tested patience and my ability to think up ways to respond to it. I've needed an hour of purely dumb television with the occasional effort to at least appease the idea of female humanity. Of course we're going to get a lot of dumb reality character tropes and this year has thrown out the tropes from the get-go to the point that as a show it has been especially dumb. Funnily enough, the biggest problem of WWE programming, i.e. the effort to explain a character instead of actually showing that character's traits, really derailed Total Divas in its first two episodes.

This episode at least figures out an effort, albeit by running some of its most vapid stories into the ground. Total Divas succeeds by its level of trainwreck, which especially gets nasty when we go into what I call "everyone hates Summer." Probably because they like cold things and jackets or something. Anyway.

1. Summer Rae

I get that it's the nickname of her fellow BFF member Sasha Banks, but I consider Summer Rae the Boss of Total Divas. I actually think I understand her character flaw as read on the show, which is actually giving a shit about what people think, although it is a clear contradiction to the Summer that just throws all the shade at Nattie, too. Summer actually doesn't hate the locker room and if anything, she hates to be misrepresented. I don't know if Summer actually cares about the charge of being considered a starfucker (basically what causes the blowups in the episode in the first place), but she realizes that blowing up the passive-aggressive dramatics has far more value than to allow that shit to be nagging. Maybe this is a terrible mindset. I kind of feel like this could be my outcast tendencies talking. The ones that lend me to sitting at my own table during meetings and sneering any time folks in my rank give me marching orders. Oh god, this is last week all over again sorry everyone won't do that mistake twice.

2. Daniel Bryan

The Daniel Bryan of Total Divas is kind of awesome, as this bus lord who also mocks the shit out of Ariane's efforts at a music career, the idea of anyone pooping, and sex on a bus. Goddammit, no spunk on the mink bus.

3. Trinity

You still mah girl! The character of Trinity has her shit straight still, even when her character flaw is saying yes to sex on a bus. But fuck it, man. That's better than hating an overly excitable lady because you have no emotions any more, everyone else.

4. Jon/Jimmy Uso

Somehow managed to make being horny not seem like he was being too pushy.

5. Eva Marie


6. Nikki Bella


7. Ariane

HAS A SINGLE OH--forgot to turn off caps lock. But yeah, "Boy Bye."

8. Dean Ambrose

Forgot to put him up last week for his two second appearance eating. Forgive me.

9. Brie Bella

Genuinely went to hate when she didn't understand why Summer Rae would want to hash out feelings with Daniel Bryan and just thought she wanted some D-Bry. I think Daniel's attractive too, but Jesus, have some trust. Daniel did say it was weird, but let's be honest, dude's lived in Aberdeen. He's had weird conversations before. Daniel Bryan saying he had a weird chat is Daniel Bryan saying he had a chat.

10. Nattie

God, what in the hell happened to her? This was one of those moments where I was actually hoping the artifice of reality television allows me to believe a person's mindset could actually not be so awful. Nattie hates Summer Rae essentially for wearing less clothes and for that one incident that apparently confuses the shit out of her into stirring up a mental picture of Summer Rae as two-faced. Oh and shames the shit out of Summer for being single at 29 (as a single person at 24, fuck off), for the clothes thing (because slut-shaming), and while she didn't hit Brie's coup de grace of telling Summer to keep her legs closed (also slut-shaming), the slap Summer gives to Nattie was well-deserved. But hey, maybe she's not really like that. Otherwise, eesh.