Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Best Coast Six Pack: A WrestleMania Wishlist

Believe that there's probably a betrayal coming
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Yeah, this is a bit of an usurping.  Main Event might've greatly improved since they got live from Tuesday nighted on the WWE Network, but it's still a few short days away from the Actual Biggest Event In The History Of This Great Sport and Sheamus beating the Miz and Tamina Superfly splashing Nikki Bella nearly left my mind the moment after both of those happened.  It was a show that was more recaps than wrestling, but why deprive the Biased of the biweekly punchups?

So since this is like my own personal Christmas, here's a wishlist of things I'd love to see happen at WMXXX that aren't Daniel Bryan kneeing everybody in the face, winning the titles, leading 75k in the biggest YES! chant ever and making me cry like it was the end of the Fault In Our Stars...

1. The Wyatt streak to keep going

The WWE's had two PPVs this year, and Bray Wyatt's brought in MOTY candidates both times. Even considering the opposition was our main man D-Bry right there at the Rumble and leading his travelling show in against the Shield at the Chamber, these are still great matches that will live on for years after 2014.  Anybody chanting Husky Harris at this point besides being candidates to get poured a Big Gulp sized rum and bleach is officially Trying Too Hard; that is a shell, and Bray's the vessel, as he's said before.  More to the point, set up in what might be his backyard against the always underrated Cena in his first WrestleMania match with a really good buildup all the ingredients are on the table for him to have a show stealer with the Franchise.  Wyatt doesn't need to win (even if I think the story would be more interesting if he did); what he needs is to go 20-30 with John in a competitive back-and-forth that leaves the late adopters to the cult bandwagon stunned that the creepy guy's sportscar instincts in-ring haven't been consumed.

2. The final match of the Shield

Everybody's been so happy to see them actually fighting for justice aaannnnddd...there's no way this can last, right? Some things you look at them and the first thought is "the center cannot hold", and this is one of them.  The guys who've made WWE superstar after WWE superstar eat the cake Ida Mae for the past 16 months up against Team 1999? This shouldn't be a contest, since the guy with the record number of Royal Rumble eliminations and the biggest Survivor Series moment post-Invasion could spear or Superman punch either one of the Outlaws into dust by himself, yes?  I keep remembering something Ambrose said on the 3/7 SmackDown after Rollins dropped off the apron on the RAW earlier that week in their big trios Chamber rematch that "one thing that I can't handle, and what I will not tolerate, and what will keep me up at night, and that's being lied to by somebody I trust".

Wasn't Dean the last to accede to put his fist in the pile at that summit?  Didn't he lead the "let's triple powerbomb this guy through the table" post-match on the subsequent RAW for literally no reason?  Doesn't he have the kind of Championship the Authority might want under their purview given the loss that is about to befall them thought the writer hopefully, and given Rollins' betrayal especially considering it came against the Wyatts, might want to throw in his lot with the corporate devil and minions he doesn't know rather than the ones he does considering that skewed worldview and that he's coming up on a pretty big anniversary for that reign of his?  Things to consider.

3. "And STILL Divas Champion..."

AJ's right because AJ's usually right.  What else is there to tell you?  At the risk of offending Edgar Wright this is A.J. Lee v. the World, and Vicki's set this up so that even her protector can have a shot at ending up with the belt come the end of the Invitational.  With this being one fall to a finish with a basketball team's worth of opponents, this is too biased and outlandish to do anything but put sympathy on a heel.  Who's going to beat her that she hasn't beaten one-on-one anyhow already since last spring?  Why was Vicki (another heel, remember) not doing anything about this for months before suddenly dropping this on AJ?  This reeks greatly of carp, and punishing her for staying when certain boyfriends walk or putting the Lisa Frank Memorial belt on a Total Divas member will only increase the odor.

The best story they can tell (as usual, assuming they care to do so and they probably don't but you've heard that rant before) is Tamina being tempted into breaking out before superkicking a diva or four in the face and letting ol' Pint Size get a few more weeks in before just costing her her first anniversary with the title.  There's plenty of time to rehab the C.V. of a Total Diva if that's the way you feel like going, or turning Tamina a Lady Diesel to her Heartbreak Girl, or even...well, that'd be getting ahead of the article.  But some random mass in a pile suddenly becoming Champion?  In the immortal words of one of my personal heroes, don't even think about it.  Say no go.

4. A Hall of Famer in the Andre Memorial Royale

While the pops for For Some Reason We're Not Calling Him Scott Hall and Jake the Snake would be pretty epic, they are still on the road to recovery and it's a weekend in New Orleans.  Okies have gotten pink slipped for fewer transgressions should they come to pass, and Roberts and Hall haven't seen the inside of the ring in quite some time.  So if we're going to go for someone who can actually work for a few beats and would also get the necessary nostalgia pop to rock the rafters, secondarily Lita would be a welcome breath of fresh air between the ropes.

Have you seen the list of people in this thing?  It looks like a sliding trough right into the mouth of the Big Show so far as I can figure, and at this rate the only way the likes of Brad Maddox, Zack Ryder or Heath Slater is going to make a WM highlight reel is if she moonsaults them.  And primarily, if the run to the ring doesn't kill him, the Ultimate Warrior running out to the old theme music and single-handedly eliminating 3MB or the like would be a nice fun moment FOR HIM TO CONTROL THE DESTINY OF THE FATES FOR THE BLOOD OF ANDRE LIVES ON THROUGH HIM AND HIS WARRIORS or something.  Hey, it's the Warrior.  It's usually a logic-free zone.

5. The blowoff to El Torito v. Ryback

Again, if this Andre Royale isn't going to give me Cesaro winning the whole thing and Jackie Boy smashing the trophy to bits as a result, then let's go here instead--the Network era of Main Event has featured Los Matadores showing off the lucha libre to appreciative crowds on Tuesday/Wednesday nights but they aren't beloved as the little bull.   Given his propensity to be willing to mix things up as seen in the Rumble as well as laying out the lower lights of 3MB on WWEME he might as well take on The Big Guy, since that's got a vintage cartoon "smart little guy babyface v. big stupid ogre heel" written all over it.

(Of course, this can be replaced at any time by "Cesaro Giant Swings him into Arkansas" and bumped up to #1 as a result.)

6. A NXT match in the opening hour

NXT being the golden goose that keeps dropping eggs, there are a multitude of ways to go here.  Anything that would get a WrestleMania-sized Tyler Breeze, Aiden English, or Adam Rose with his original music entrance has to be considered, as well as the obvious Adrian Neville showcase to show off his Championship wares and that bad-ass Red Arrow.  But if you're not going to have Cesaro/Zayn V since it's a best of five and not a best of seven (brb weeping), you can do a hell of a lot worse than Paige/Emma III for the Women's Championship of Full Sail.  Both matches were really good and got positive receptions; put in front of a smark-heavy crowd as this is sure to be it'd probably be bereft of Lawler chants and would get the desired response to two wrestlers to happen to be female putting on another hard-hitting instant classic.  Not only that, but if you piggyback off of #3, what better way to establish Paige as a threat to AJ than a hard-fought win with her bad-ass Scorpion Crosslock?