Monday, April 7, 2014

The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings, April 7

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Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. Daniel Bryan (Last Week: 1) - He had a good week, I guess.

2. AJ Lee (Last Week: 3) - Neither rain nor sleet nor cougar's whim could keep the Divas Championship off Lee's waist last night. Also, she still has Kaitlyn, err, I'm sorry, Celeste Bonin's Savage Garden CD. VICTORY IS AJ'S!

3. Athena (Last Week: 2) - Oh, no big deal, Athena's only becoming the go-to wrestler for the match of the card at SHIMMER. I heard she's even found a way to get greater than infinite amounts of SWAG, which should be scientifically impossible. I'm beginning to wonder if SWAG is even quantifiable. THIS DISCOVERY COULD BREAK OPEN THE ENTIRE FIELD OF YOLONOMIC PHYSICS.

4. Paul Orndorff (Last Week: Not Ranked) - I almost missed what went on in that final segment before the main event last night because my gaze was transfixed on Mr. Wonderful's moustache. Last night held a lot of wonderment and shattered the perceptions of what a great WrestleMania could be, but the most awe-inspiring feat was a man with even more impressive facial hair than Zeb Colter coming on the scene.

5. Chiles Rellenos (Last Week: Not Ranked) OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - Las Margaritas in Northeast Philly has the absolute best rellenos I've ever tasted, and I had one for lunch last week. I find it impossible to have a bad day when I eat one of those.

6. Ivelisse Velez (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Velez wrestled and won so many times this weekend, I thought she was going to cash in some kind of Money in the Bank briefcase and walk out of the Superdome with the WWE World Heavyweight Championship.

7. Amy Schumer (Last Week: Not Ranked) - David Letterman announced his retirement this week, and the fact that Schumer's name came up from multiple commentators, fans, and critics is a great sign. She's ready to hold down a late night desk, and I even think it would be a great opportunity to debut the hottest new segment in late night, the Dolph Ziggler Butt Wiggle of the Week.

8. Mark Henry (Last Week: 6) - Henry's targeting of Rey Mysterio wasn't big-on-little dude bulling. Rather, Mysterio owes Henry a lot of money on a March Madness pool, and Henry's threatening to throw him into the sea if he doesn't pay up. He already launched Dominic into Baffin Bay. Moral of the story? Pay up Mark Henry when he demands it.

9. Aaron Harrison (Last Week: 7) - Another game, another big shot. The only reason he dropped in the rankings is because I'm not prepared to live in a world where John Calipari has multiple national Championships.

10. Sara del Rey (Last Week: 10) - SARA DEL REY FACT: In honor of Daniel Bryan's big WrestleMania moment, del Rey purchased him a sack full of apples and a mug that says "World's Best Teacher."