Monday, April 21, 2014

The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings, April 21

Photo Credit:
Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. Paige (Last Week: 3) - Scorpion Crosslock rule everything around me. SCREAM get the tapout, winnah winnah match y'all.

2. Daniel Bryan (Last Week: 1) - Bryan returns from his honeymoon rested, relaxed, and ready to kick some heads off. That is, until the reveal drops that Brie Bella was a DOUBLE AGENT OF THE AUTHORITY AND SHE POISONED BRYAN'S VEGAN SOY MOCKTAIL MARGARITAS AND NOW HE'S POWERLESS AHAHAHAHAHAHA BUT THEN KANE... goddammit Vince Russo, stop taking over my blog! Jesus.

3. Easter Ham (Last Week: Not Ranked) OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - I move that ham become the official meat of Easter. Turkey shall remain the gold standard for Thanksgiving. And for Christmas, I move that everyone starts eating a roast beef. ALL IN FAVOR, SAY YAY. ALL OPPOSED... NO ONE SHOULD BE OPPOSED.

4. Mark Henry (Last Week: 7) - The King of Hossdom may have failed in his first round match with Antonio Cesaro in the Intercontinental Championship Tournament Monday, but he reminded everyone by pushing around the Swiss Superman that he's still the gold standard of HOSSERY. Seriously, who else can push around Cesaro but Henry? NO ONE, THAT'S WHO.

5. AJ Lee (Last Week: 9) - Lee is taking an extended break to deal with nagging injuries, so this slot will be her final appearance on the list for the time being. However, let those who follow not grieve for the absence of the former Divas Champion, but rejoice that she was able to give hope for a new era by having decent matches given the circumstance and clowning JBL and Michael Cole whenever she got the chance to sit in the booth. REJOICE!

6. Allysin Kay (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Another match in SHINE against Jessicka Havok, another no-contest, another near evacuation of the peninsula. One of these days, those two are going to cause everyone to leave Florida, and then the state's crazy will infect the rest of the country. You have all been forewarned.

7. Jeff Teague (Last Week: Not Ranked) - He straight up killed Evan Turner in Game 1 of the Hawks/Pacers series. Pacer fans, feel our pain. FEEL OUR PAIN.

8. Wayne Simmonds (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Simmonds basically took the entire Rangers roster and did a John Cena-vs.-the-Nexus on them to score the game-sealing empty net goal. If he keeps performing such feats of hockey awesomeness, no one in the world will be able to stop the Flyers! Well, except for a team with a deep roster of scorers who are athletic enough to skate circles around the team's old, slow defense corps. A big if, however. *looks at a potential second round match with the Penguins* *weeps* *realizes they have Marc-Andre Fleury in net* *stops weeping* *looks at potential Conference Finals match with the Red Wings* *weeps some more*

9. LuFisto (Last Week: 5) - The spirit of Pegaboo has fused with LuFisto now, and the two have attained near-perfect spiritual harmony. At least that explanation is what I got from reading various reviews of the nCw: Femmes Fatale show from this weekend. I may or may not have been high on mescaline when I read those recaps, by the by.

10. Sara del Rey (Last Week: 10) - SARA DEL REY FACT: She once kissed a frog in the marshes of an Eastern European country, and he turned into a burly, hammer-wielding wrestling maven. As a thank you, The Estonian Thunder Frog selected a Sara del Rey match as part of his Chik-Picks.