Monday, April 28, 2014

The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings, April 28

It was all for charity!
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Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. Daniel Bryan (Last Week: 2) - The ass-whipping by Kane last week on RAW may look bad until one realizes that Bryan granted him his own Make-a-Wish request to be relevant one more time before he retires to be a libertarian spokesperson. Good deed, Bryan. Good deed.

2. Paige (Last Week: 1) - I would have ranked her #1 again, but the Paige I know would have ripped JBL's throat out and shoved it down his gullet where his throat used to be upon the threat of being stripped of her title. I think Sweet Saraya needs to make a visit to Full Sail University.

3. Mickie Knuckles (Last Week: Not Ranked) - I was not going to tempt fate and not rate her after a weekend where she captured a major independent promotion's women's Championship (Resistance Pro). Honestly, she scares me more than nuclear holocaust, the Heat Death of the Universe, and Dora the Explorer combined. Do you know how creeped out I am by Dora? It's a lot.

4. Little Baby's Peanut Butter Maple Tarragon Ice Cream (Last Week: Not Ranked) OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - My second ever trip to a Food-Truck-a-Thon ended with this sweet treat. Trust me, the peanut butter and maple worked together like Robert Gibson and Ricky Morton. Which flavor was the face in peril? What would that make the tarragon? WHY DID I TREK DOWN THE ROAD TOWARDS THIS DANGEROUS COMPARISON?

5. Matt Cross (Last Week: Not Ranked) - The bearded brawler captured the 24/7 Championship through a cunning plan of hanging off a building support in dropkick position and catching Icarus while he was on the phone. What the footage did NOT show was him dropkicking Damien 666, Christina von Eerie, three children, Green Lantern Fan (biggest pop of the night), and a little old lady. But hey, you gotta break a few eggs to make an omelet.

6. Steph Curry (Last Week: Not Ranked) - He may not have ended racism yesterday, but he went into the Basketball Avatar State once again to defeat it in a playoff game yesterday afternoon.

7. Lady Olenna Tyrell (Last Week: Not Ranked) - I wish she was one of my grandmothers. For the record, I'm immune to the kind of graphic sex talk that she laid on Margaery last night because I too got one of those awkward chats from my grandmother before she passed.

8. Mark Henry (Last Week: 4) - Rumor has it that Konor's newfound HOSS ESSENCE was bestowed on him by Henry after he passed the rigorous training needed to take on such a responsibility. Yes, being a HOSS isn't a right, or even a privilege. It's a responsibility to be USED WISELY.

9. Nathan McKinnon (Last Week: Not Ranked) - He's making the state of Minnesota sadder than when it realized what they had done after electing Jesse Ventura as its governor.

10. Sara del Rey (Last Week: Not Ranked) - SARA DEL REY FACT: She in fact knows that Chrisley indeed does not know best, and instead that he knows worst. She's convinced the show was named on Opposite Day.