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| This is not a sex act, I swear Photo Credit: WWE.com |
Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar
How: Undertaker signed Brock Lesnar's open challenge before stabbing him in the hand with the pen.
The Story: Once upon a time, Brock Lesnar was a pro wrestler-turned-UFC fighter, instead of the UFC fighter-turned-pro wrestler he is now. One night in November of 2010, Lesnar got his hide tanned something fierce by Cain Velazquez. Salty after defeat, he sulked back to the locker room, passing one The Undertaker being interviewed by Ariel Helwani in the stands. The two had a staredown, and Taker promptly asked him if he "wanted some of this" like he was a #4 Turkey Tom combo. Lesnar walked away, setting off a powder keg of speculation as to whether he'd be back for WrestleMania XXVIII to challenge The Streak. As history would have it, Lesnar continued his UFC career, and Taker wrestled Triple H instead for second time according to WWE's parlance, since the company for whatever reason has decided their match at X-7 did not exist.
Anyway, Taker mauled Trips in a Hell in a Cell match. Then, the next year, CM Punk decided it smart to play hackey-sack with Taker's urn after Paul Bearer died, and Taker just mauled him too. Meanwhile, the night after Mania XXVIII, Lesnar returned to WWE and threw John Cena around like he was a bag of Jimmy Chips. After the match with Cena at Extreme Rules, Lesnar's next two targets happened to be Triple H and CM Punk. Lesnar summarily dispatched both wrestlers (albeit suffering one hiccup against Trips in their three-match series) and went back to asserting his rights as the King of the Sea.
After the new year, he re-emerged, following the trail of Totally Tunas left for him by his advocate Paul Heyman to lay claim to number one contendership to the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. Despite destroying several of Consol Energy Center's finest steel chairs across Big Show's back and effortlessly flinging Mark Henry around like I would imagine Cthulhu whips blue whales for fun, WWE management didn't see fit to grant him a title match at Elimination Chamber, instead opting to defend the belt within the Chamber itself. Lesnar got mad and demanded someone sign an open challenge for him.
The lights went out, the gongs hit, and well, Undertaker came out all pissy like someone recited the ancient curse to awaken him from his tomb without the courtesy of making a goddamn pot of coffee first. The open contract was signed, and almost immediately, Taker put the pen right through Lesnar's meaty palm. In fact, the script would pretty much remain the same when the two were in the same room together up until last week. Lesnar moved around like he'd eaten too many JJ Gargantuan sandwiches and not enough Vegetarians, and Taker caught him every time. This past week on RAW, Lesnar got in a few shots though, including a F5.
Analysis: Undertaker has redoubled his efforts into making his one-or-so matches a year count for something. Last year, fans were spoiled when he wrestled on some house shows and then again on WWE's tour of England. He's the ultimate small sample size excellent wrestler, and he's facing off against another guy who only goes a couple of times a year. Lesnar has had similar success in his most recent WWE run against Cena, which may have been WWE's best match in 2012, and Punk, which was the best Attitude Era-style match since, well, the forgotten Taker/Trips match from WrestleMania X-7. One could point out that most of Lesnar's matches haven't been good since he came back, but taking the Big Show beatdown out of the equation, every other match Lesnar was in was against Triple H. Similarly, the two Streak matches of the last five years that I've enjoyed the least were both against Triple H. Sounds like the common denominator isn't involved this time around.
Lesnar and Taker also have the luxury of drawing off past history. The two were embroiled in a classic feud back in the summer of 2002, right before Lesnar won his first WWE Championship. They had a bloody, brutal Hell in a Cell match that those who've rewatched recently said ages well. If they play close to that vest and keep the match a pro wrestling brawl, then I have no doubts they'll have a chance to steal the show from both Daniel Bryan and the Cena/Wyatt contest.
However, Lesnar is a former UFC Champion, and Taker is one of the most noted fans of mixed-martial arts in the locker room. I have a lingering, festering feeling that the two might engage in some kind of bizarre, RINGS-inspired worked-UFC-style match. I have no basis to think this will happen without making huge, leaping assumptions. But then I go back to the very beginnings of the heat between the two. They stared down at a UFC fight. I can't shake that worst-case scenario from my mind. Even then, maybe a worked MMA-style fight might be entertaining. I'll admit that I don't know a whole lot about the heavy shoot-style of pro wrestling worked by guys like Volk Han that gained cult following in the mid-'90s. If they go the shoot-inspired route, I would imagine they'd play closer to that manual than trying to recreate a UFC fight in a worked environment, which again, I'd have no idea how it would work.
Who Should Win: Undertaker should absolutely win. He's coming back next year, right? A loss to Lesnar with this build would be so anti-climactic, and this match also doesn't feel like it has any finality. I'm a huge believer in someone needing to break The Streak at some point, but that person isn't Lesnar, and the time isn't now.
Who Will Win: Undertaker's not losing to Lesnar. Nope. Only three people have any hope of ending The Streak at this point - John Cena, Daniel Bryan, or Kane (and even I'm not sure any of those would do it either). Besides, WWE seems not to know exactly what it's doing booking Lesnar, so I expect the trend to continue.
