Monday, May 19, 2014

The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings, May 19

Medical procedure or intro to Captain America 3: YES! YES! YES!?
Photo Credit:
Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. Shinsuke Nakamura (Last Week: Not Ranked) - New Japan aficionados don't call him SWAGsuke for nothin'.

2. Paige (Last Week: 2) - Paige took a hellacious beating from Alicia Fox, yet she still came out of her match with the win. She's the Wolverine of the WWE roster.

3. Daniel Bryan (Last Week: 4) - Neck surgery was successful for the current WWE World Heavyweight Champion, which means he'll be back to kickin' ass in no time. Unless this neck surgery was a front for application and injection of super soldier serum into Bryan's bloodstream, which means goodbye Daniel Bryan, WWE Champion, and hello, Daniel Bryan, Greatest United States Operative.

4. Alicia Fox (Last Week: Not Ranked) - I still maintain she should have gone further in her assailing of JBL. Like, she should have gone full Ramsay Snow on him with her bare hands.

5. Mickie Knuckles (Last Week: 5) - Rumor has it she and the DJ Hyde cutout are already challenging the Young Bucks for most tag team titles won across the world.

6. Trader Joe's Sundried Tomato and Basil Chicken Sausage (Last Week: Not Ranked) OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED RANKING - Had a couple of these for lunch today with sauteed spinach on a hot dog bun, and lemme tell you. Flavor. Explosion. Literally, the flavor blew up in my mouth, set my car on fire, and caused me to have reconstructive surgery on my jaw. I'd do it again.

7. Barbi Hayden (Last Week: Not Ranked) - She added ACW Prom Queen to her list of titles this weekend. If you don't think that honor is a big deal, well, then you don't know about the ethic of an average pro wrestling prom. Well, ACW is the only company that does a pro wrestling prom, so, uh, HEY LOOK OVER THERE, A SQUIRREL. *runs away*

8. Mark Henry (Last Week: 9) - Godzilla did so well this weekend that a sequel was greenlit already. Nemeses are being bandied about, but Henry was the favorite at first. Then, writers and studio execs decided against it. Godzilla winning would seem too unrealistic.

9. Wale (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Anyone who can drop a topical Heath Slater mention in a rap track, wrestling themed or not, is a fucking wizard. Bonus points for rapping over the Razor Ramon theme.

10. Sara del Rey (Last Week: 10) - SARA DEL REY FACT: She was going to enter the Preakness as a jockey riding on the backs of Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose in a two-person horse costume, but she decided against it when it would look awfully suspicious having won a race despite being three times the size of every jockey there. Not a crack about del Rey being big or anything. Have you seen the average jockey lately? They could provide feuds for Hornswoggle and El Torito for months.