Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Best Coast Bias: Boo This Kidd

Tyson's not a New Boy but he's offically a Jerk
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Maybe when the based god stated that three was a magic number, maybe It was trying to answer one of life's most persistent and vaporous questions.

Namely "how many chances should somebody get to prove they're not a self-centered worthless meatsack before kicking them in the face is not only allowed, but encouraged?"

Given a third opportunity to hold Full Sail gold, Tyson Kidd failed yet again.  Worst of all, since Nattie got him the run against the Ascension for the tag belts alongside Sami Zayn after some pre-match fluffery about hitting the reset button as a way for he and the Syrian-Canadian to avenge their Takeover losses he left him to get beaten up by the Champs under the auspices that Zayn was hogging the match even though Sami was desperate for a tag out the moment he put any air betwixt him and Konor or Victor.  You might as well have given a Rembrandt to a Pomeranian.  Sure, it was obvious from Zimtok-5 what Kidd was going to do and even more so considering by the time the main event rolled around that it was going to get under six minutes.  But still, this was a necessary step on the road of changing alignments. It has now gone from feeling inadequate inside to using a referee as a scapegoat to passively-aggressively snarking at the more accomplished wife to dragging innocents into this one-man war; hopefully Tyson makes acquaintances with a Helluva Kick at some point in his near future for his fecklessness here.

Should the Ascension be looking for more victims, let's use the bullied pulpit of BCB to nominate the Vaudevillians formally.  Said team is the official pairing of Aiden English and the quite manly Simon Gotch, even if the only thing they've done evilly is monopolize the hearts of all those who never knew until this episode that they wanted to party like it's 1899 with two guys out a Mack Sennett opus replete with silent-film-styled black and white film that skips when they're not wrestling, Gotch helpfully holding up a microphone to English's megaphone while he makes their formal introductions.  This is even putting aside their old-timey piano music theme, the fact that Gotch's immediate desire to engage in fisticuffs cued up a Put Up Your Dukes chant, or that they have a couple bits of tandem offense already.  When you can get a crowd clapping and kids dancing in under 300 seconds maybe the boasts about being the best at sports, entertainment, and sports entertainment are rather closer to backing it up than being cocky.

Cocky and Tyler Breeze, of course, go together like a warm summer day and ignoring the outside world so you can watch seven episodes of your favorite show in a row from the couch.  But in his victory over Kalisto he showed over the course of two segments that he was just more than the face that launched a thousand selfies.  How many years have we heard announcers state up, down, and sideways that an opponent against a high flyer or luchadore need to find a way to ground them?  Okay: how many times have you seen that person actually do it?  Agreed this was one of those season to own personal taste things, and the crowd was sarcastically chanting headlock on a few occasions by the end as Tyler sucked Kalisto's energy meter into the bright orange by grounding him with a series of side headlocks and front chanceries that showed him using his rare size advantage to wrestle the smartest match this side of Randy Orton in the endgame against Cena at NWO '08.  Perhaps the crowd was turning surly because no matter how many times they rallied for Kalisto and popped for the small spurts of lu-cha lu-cha they clearly were desperate for, Tyler simply found a way to get his hands on the newcomer and take him down to the mat before finally uncorking a textbook Beauty Shot as another feather in his #1 contendership cap.

With the tease of the return of the Little Gambino Mr. Amore and Rob Van Dam coming to Full Sail next week to get Red Arrowed, besides the Mojo Rawley Match You've Already Seen A Few Times Even If You Haven't Actually the last takeaway to snatch up from this episode was the continuing slow-motion silo collapse that is the Biffles, now so in disarray that Alexa Bliss was able to get a surprise rollup off a distraction FTW.  Poor Sasha.  It was supposed to be more about her when she got to be evil, wasn't it? Yet she spent the bulk of the match beating up on everybody's favorite Pixie-Disney character hybrid but when Summer and Charlotte couldn't -- well, anybody who's heard the word Frozen in the last few months knows where that's going -- all of a sudden she's falling victim to Wrestling 101 business over a woman who'll look 21 when she turns 63.  Seriously, she went from Regal complimenting her evil ways over getting to apply a surfbort surfbort and a crackerjack tilt-a-whirl backbreaker counter to losing to a white anime character.  Absolutely embarrassing.

Then again, even if they weren't there for her, they bothered showing up, you know?  Not to invoke some vintage gangsta rap lyrics in a family-friendly locale, but Tyson proved why his last name isn't Mann or why he's the one hitting a double bicep pose whilst stating "MANLY!" to the crowd's support.