Monday, June 23, 2014

Dispatches From The Lake: Superstars, Procrastination Edition

Dare I say Nikki Bella's... cromulent?
Photo Credit:
Pro Tip #1: Do not watch NXT before watching Superstars. It is a delightful reminder of what could be, and a sobering reminder that given the opportunity, you would spend obscene amounts of money on Sasha Bank’s bitchin’ ring jacket.

Pro Tip #2: Do watch Superstars before heading out for a long, delightful day of wrestling with Chikara. Trying to watch it afterwards will be impossible.

Pro Tip #3: Watch Superstars on Thursday night, because if you put it off until Friday afternoon, you’ll end up going to the Squared Circle for delicious pizza, a wide selection of beer, a fundraiser for a great cause, and having a joy heart attack when the Estonian Thunder Frog walks in the door.

Let’s grab some coffee and get into this, shall we?

Our first match was Nikki Bella vs. Alicia Fox.

The commentators started the match out solid. They brought up that Fox was part of that handicap match where Bella had the hell beaten out of her few weeks back. Any time we’ve got some continuity, I’m a happy camper. That being said, they didn’t pay attention after that. They talked about pretty much anything but the goings on in the ring.

Both women were very engaged in the match. Fox’s been fun to watch. I don’t care what anyone says, Bella’s really improved over the last year. It was a fun match, but cut down one of the fifty thousand recaps and let them go a little longer. After losing the match to Nikki’s backbreaker rack, Alicia started pelting her with her ring boots. Her socks were mismatched, which really added that special sauce to her brand of crazy. Loved it, and I interested to see where they take her character.

After one thousand years of recaps, which I’ll get into below, we got our second match with Jack Swagger and Rob van Dam.

Before the match started, we get a segment with Swagger and Zeb Colter backstage. They talk about deporting RVD before demanding a ‘We the People’ from everyone. They should do more of these on Superstars. It adds a little something to the show, and makes Superstars feel like more than an afterthought.

The match had some highlights. I especially liked the Rolling Thunder countered into the Patriot Lock. It was a very smart move from Swagger, and I really like the idea of him being able to grab your ankle from any move and rip it off. Despite the good stuff, RVD looked winded as hell five minutes into the match. I legit got worried about him. He looked like he was gonna go down halfway through the match. I’m also of the mind that Swagger should not be losing to Van Dam, but whatevs. This is a third tier show that doesn’t seem to play into the storylines WWE has going.

Fear and Loathing in Las Recaps

I still maintain that these recaps are excessive and largely pointless. I had a thought about that this week. Does creative know that their show is kind of terrible, and people flip to other channels, or just don’t watch at all? I’m of the mind that if you aren’t watching Raw, then you aren’t watching Superstars. However, if you feel that you have to excessively recap events on your show because people aren’t paying attention to Raw, shouldn’t you write Raw that encourages people to stay tuned in? This week’s Raw screamed of no effort. I know that the head writer was fired, but come on, guys. Step it up.

Also, doesn’t the Authority realize that Cena cannot be stopped at this point? If you don’t want him to be Champ, then don’t put him in the damn match. Just say you’re banned. Got a problem with that? Too fucking bad. But logic and strategic planning have no place here in the WWE. So instead, they stick him in a match against Captain Ineffectual. The announcers get all concerned, like holy crap, Cena’s gonna die. This is dumb. The announcers are dumb. The Authority is dumb. I am dumb for watching this.

That opening segment of Raw was recapped twice. Either that, or I just had a stroke. I didn’t watch the stretcher match on Raw, and I definitely didn’t watch it here. Stretcher matches are wicked stupid, especially on Raw with that yellow taped line across the stage. Your match is bad, and you should feel bad.

Random Thoughts

-If I ever tried that sliding thing that Nikki Bella did to get in the ring, I would destroy myself. Every bone would be broken.

-Sign for Dr. Shelby in the audience. GIVE THE AUDIENCE WHAT THEY WANT!

-Cesaro should have gotten the Real Americans theme. Especially after the Raw after WrestleMania.

-Who you got in the Money in the Bank title match? While I’d love to see one of the newer guys get win, I’m 99% sure it’s going to be Cena. Thoughts?