Monday, June 2, 2014

The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings, June 2

Photo Credit:
Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. Paige (Last Week: 4) - She was put in the death spot of having to follow John Cena vs. Bray Wyatt, and she got the crowd to pop for the PTO. She's that bad-ass.

2. Alicia Fox (Last Week: 1) - She didn't give anyone a wedgie this week, which is a shame. Actually, if she had taken a shit in Jerry Lawler's crown, she might have gotten the extra POWER boost needed to win the Divas Championship last night.

3. "Smooth Sailing" Ashley Remington (Last Week: 2) - He got Twitter this week, and one of his first tweets was this gem to Green Ant. Chikara's gonna be fun this year just for his existence.

4. Halloumi Cheese (Last Week: Not Ranked) OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - This Cypriot cheese is unique in that when you heat it up, it seizes up and doesn't melt. It's also super regoddamndiculously tasty, so eat some today.

5. Mark Henry (Last Week: 5) - Honestly, the Beat the Clock challenge on Monday was clearly rigged by people who still think Rob van Dam doing late '90s wrestler cosplay is way better than RED BELLY and the World's Strongest Man trade bombs with each other.

6. Annie Clark (Last Week: Not Ranked) - St. Vincent's lead singer performed with Nirvana on stage at the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony. Sure, while that technically happened like a month ago, she makes it this week because it aired this past weekend. Anyway, she sold me on a Nirvana/St. Vincent double bill with her on vocals for both acts. I'd go see it.

7. Daniel Bryan (Last Week: 3) - I really, really could go a faceoff segment featuring him vs. Stephanie McMahon without him dropping casual misogyny. I know he's following cues, but it's still ugly. Really ugly.

8. Various New York Mets (Last Week: Not Ranked) - They broke the Phillies visitor locker room record for most cheesesteaks consumed with 103. Not only do they deserve praise for eating that many cheesesteaks as a team, but they also deserve some kind of team prize for eating enough sodium to put down a bull elephant and all survive through the night (in addition to playing THREE extra innings games this weekend).

9. Angelina Jolie (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Maleficent made a metric shitpile of money this weekend, proving once and for all female-led movies just don't have what it takes to make it at the box office. Wait, what? Oh right, she proved the opposite.

10. Sara del Rey (Last Week: 10) - SARA DEL REY FACT: del Rey was originally cast in the title role of Maleficent but she wasn't deemed to look evil enough. She then put everyone in casting in cross armbreakers and walked out with her hands up in the air.