Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Big Heat's Hot Takes: Damien Sandow and The Art of War

Just lulling everyone to sleep, yes, that's it...
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Ladies and gentlemen, if there's one thing I've learned in my years following the wacky world of professional wrestling, it's that all stories and gimmicks - even those that seem the most ridiculous - have an end point. It might be short-lived (Beaver Cleavage comes to mind), or it might take a while to get there (and in these cases, it's always Hornswoggle), but eventually everything ends and begins anew.

This business with Damien Sandow is surely no different, but what is the end game?

I mean, jeez, Sandow is basically pro wrestling's Frank Caliendo at this point, and absolutely NO ONE takes that guy seriously. The last time he wrestled a match as "Damien Sandow" was mid-May, if I'm not mistaken, and by that point he had already portrayed Evil Santa and Magneto. Since then, he's come out as famous fictional characters, original fictional characters, historical figures, local athletes, wrestling legends, and Vince McMahon.

Now, I don't think I need to tell you how silly this whole thing has been. Sure, there's a place in wrestling for comedy, but that place has been occupied nicely by Santino Marella of late. With Marella's retirement from in-ring action, that torch should be passed on to Los Matadores and El Torito. Wrestling comedy should be carried out by babyfaces, because heel comedy acts like Sandow lately are just weird. The guy's too much like Wile E. Coyote to be considered a serious threat.

Considering Sandow came into the WWE as "The Intellectual Savior of the Masses," it wouldn't be the least bit surprising if this was all part of an elaborate scheme to catch an opponent unsuspecting somewhere down the road. Maybe Sandow went back to the ol' drawing board, and plotted out a course of action to elevate his status in the WWE. By making himself intentionally look inept, Sandow may have the WWE roster right where he wants them.

A man of Sandow's genius would no doubt have read The Art of War by Sun Tzu. And as we all know, one of the central themes of this philosophical tome is "Supreme excellence consists of breaking the enemy's resistance without fighting."


Although he may be fighting (and losing) (a lot), Sandow is lulling his opponents into a false sense of security. He's just that smart. Currently, Sandow has a mere three televised victories in 2014 - and two of those came against Sin Cara. Perhaps after four months of eating three counts, Sandow decided to change things up. Put on a silly costume, become a laughingstock, forfeit any and all respect he might have earned from winning a Money In The Bank contract, and lie in wait. He's been knocked out on consecutive nights in Canada by a 57-year-old stroke victim for cryin' out loud - NOBODY is going to try and resist him now.

The trick here is for Sandow to finish the plan before the WWE Universe completely loses all faith in him as anything more than a comedian. Otherwise, it's all for naught. I'm assuming that Sandow has never met 3.0 or Archie Peck, so it's a safe bet that a new time machine is currently being constructed so we can go back to last summer, before the failed cash-in, before the costumes.