Monday, July 28, 2014

Smackdown: Friendship is Magic

Even though Ryback didn't match Axel, they still showed broey solidarity
Photo Credit:
Best Friends—Ryback and Curtis Axel
Normally, I'm a big proponent of tag team members matching each other. However, during Rybaxel's match against the Usos—the matchiest of matching tag teams—I realized that there can also be something special about a tag team that refuses to match. Aside from the identical red toques jammed over their heads and nearly covering their eyes, Ryback and Axel persist in pursuing individual fashion paths, and the results are kind of awful. Ryback in a teal, airbrushed singlet? Gross. Axel in basic black trunks? Boring. And yet they remain united in being the bro-iest bros who ever bro-ed, secure and supportive in their friendship. Therefore I salute you, Rybaxel, for demonstrating that true friendship can endure even in the face of hideous outfit choices.

Doesn't Deserve a Friend—Dolph Ziggler
Bo Dallas came out to join the Miz on a segment of Miz TV and the results were, of course, fantastic. The two were getting along famously (Dallas' breathless delivery of “That sounds GREAT!” in response to Miz's suggestion that they do lunch just slayed me), and then Dolph Ziggler showed up. Rather than joining in on the good times, he proceeded to ruin everything. Then, after losing the ensuing match, Ziggler attacked his opponent during Dallas' victory lap and Miz's congratulations.

Look, Ziggler certainly has cause to be upset with how Miz won the Intercontinental Championship, but these displays of bitterness are not going to help him get ahead—they just make him look like a jerk. He chose to rudely interrupt a beautiful display of fellowship twice on this show, demonstrating that he can't appreciate such things, and for that I declare that he deserves no friends.

Should Not Be Friends—Cesaro and the Authority
I'm not a fan of Cesaro throwing in his lot with the Authority. I'm tired of him being shuffled from stable to stable, and there's very little space for him in the Authority's schemes. Even Randy Orton and Kane barely merit an appearance every week, so what hope does Cesaro have? He has great in-ring chemistry with Dean Ambrose and others (*cough* Sheamus *cough*), demonstrated once again during his match with Ambrose on this episode, but exiting the stage afterwards in favour of Seth Rollins pursuing his own Authority-sanctioned agenda just reinforces that Cesaro is constantly playing second-fiddle. Give this man a spotlight of his own!

Sidenotes about Ambrose:
  1. I hate his entrance music SO MUCH.
  2. I hate the nickname “The Lunatic Fringe” SO MUCH.
  3. Speaking of which, how, exactly, are the fuckwits on commentary defining “crazy?” Ambrose is certainly single-minded and eccentric, but he knows what he's doing. I know we're supposed to accept the ret-con that Rollins was always the brains behind the Shield, but that's complete nonsense. Ambrose may throw himself around like a man with a death wish, but he's still formulating strategies—everything he does has a purpose.
Best Frenemies—Me and WWE
Those cunning fucks at WWE did it again: Inspired me with rage and then filled my heart with such joy that it could only have been a move deliberately calculated with me in mind.

First, Paige and Naomi had a non-match, wherein Paige delivered a confusing speech about how she still likes AJ Lee and she also likes Naomi and then abruptly stopped talking. Then Cameron's music hit, but she didn't appear, then Naomi tapped to Paige almost immediately after the bell rang, then Cameron finally showed up and aaaaaaaargh. I think Paige was trying to get across that she's an insincere jerk who'll pretend to be your friend, but she needed more time to properly convey her intent. Meanwhile, Naomi was a passive bystander in her own story and I was robbed of what could have been a perfectly enjoyable match. RAGE.

....and then Goldust was in a wizard hat and everything was wonderful and nothing hurt anymore. My anger was forgotten, and I clapped my hands in glee like an excited baby seal. DAMN YOU, WWE! How dare you manipulate me in this way!

Needs Better Friends—R-Truth
Poor R-Truth was once again playing the role of “supportive friend of white dude even though they don't really have a history of friendship” and getting beat up for his trouble. This, coupled with the regression of Truth facing Bray Wyatt in a re-tread of when Wyatt first came up to the main roster, made their match kind of depressing. It accomplished absolutely nothing and just made me feel sorry for both Truth and Wyatt.

Something Friendship Something—Roman Reigns and Alberto del Rio
Bray Wyatt vs. R-Truth took a lot out of me, so following it up with another match that really didn't matter was a pretty bad decision. I got nothing on this one, guys. Alberto del Rio was perfectly competent, as always, and Roman Reigns emerged victorious and completely unscathed, as always. Yay, friendship? Somehow?