Monday, July 28, 2014

The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings, July 28

Even gimpy, Bryan still is the BEST IN THE WOOOOOORLD
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Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. Daniel Bryan (Last Week: Not Ranked... Not Ranked? NOT RANKED?) - I thought Bryan's efforts of derring-do were finished now that he was rehabbing his neck, but apparently, he's still got a metric fuckload of badassery in his body even with a bad neck and no feeling in his arms. Bryan foiled a robbery at his house and choked out one of the alleged perpetrators his damn self. I will never doubt this man again.

2. Rachel Summerlyn (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Summerlyn tearfully said goodbye to active wrestling competition last night at Inspire Pro Wrestling. If you don't know why that's important, then you just don't know anything.

3. Candice LeRae (Last Week: Not Ranked) - And of course, Summerlyn's heiress apparent as badass buttkicker femme fatale finally got her just due by finally shoving the Young Bucks out the plane door without a parachute at Pro Wrestling Guerrilla's ELEVEN Saturday night. Sure, Joey Ryan did some of the work, but I choose to remember it as the night Candice Fucking LeRae became the baddest motherfucker in Reseda. BELIEVE THAT.

4. Veda Scott (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Not only did she beat Gregory Iron in a cage match wearing bridal gown-themed gear, she drove all the way to Slower Lower (Delaware) to wrestle for Future of Honor the next night. Hardest working lawyer-slash-wrestler in the world? I don't see David Otunga putting in those kinds of hours if you catch my drift.

5. Trader Joe's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dippers (Last Week: Not Ranked) OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - I bought these for my son as a treat this weekend and ended up eating about two-thirds of the canister my damn self. Sorry, not sorry.

6. Mark Henry (Last Week: 6) - Apparently, he said in an interview that he did all those crazy angles back in the day to help the LGBT+ community have representation and feel more welcomed in wrestling fandom. While I doubt that was the intent of the segments written for him, it still shows that Henry has a HOSS-sized heart to go with his massive strength and body size.

7. Dean Ambrose (Last Week: 1) - I'm docking a few points from Ambrose for RUINING LACY'S SHEAMUS/CESARO OTP GODDAMMIT DEAN-O, but he's still WWE's wildcard by a large margin. Expect him to cut the brakes of The Authority's limo before bailing out to go get himself a milksteak, boiled over hard, with only the finest jellybeans, raw of course.

8. AJ Lee (Last Week: 2) - Her response to "CM Punk" chants when she's in the ring? Classic.

9. Paige (Last Week: 4) - Some are claiming that Paige isn't actually a good friend thanks to her actions recently. I disagree. A good friend would totally sneak attack you after a well-placed distraction in order to teach a lesson about being prepared.

10. Sara del Rey (Last Week: 10) - SARA DEL REY FACT: She was originally slated to be Kalisto's partner on NXT this past week, but since his team was already slated to go over anyway, officials didn't want to telegraph it too hard.