Monday, August 4, 2014

Dispatches from the Lake: Busted Wide Open

The rise of SLATER GATOR
Photo Credit:
After a solid episode last week, there wasn’t anything special happening on Superstars this week. I’m still pleased with the effort going into the backstage segments. Baby steps, people. Baby steps.

The first match this week was Alberto del Rio versus Justin Gabriel. The announcers briefly mentioned that Gabriel’s been wrestling on NXT lately, but they didn’t go beyond that, which I thought was a little weird. They really should be chatting more about NXT on the main shows. To me, it's is one of the main reasons to own get the Network, but I digress. 

del Rio and Gabriel didn’t really have any connectivity in the ring. The match just kind of was. There was this bizarre kick sequence in the middle of that match that was slow and awkward. I couldn’t tell if Gabriel was selling del Rio destroying his shoulder for most of the match. They just didn’t click at all. The match ended after Gabriel elbowed del Rio in the face, splitting his eyebrow open. del Rio paid him back with a reverse superplex off the top rope and then flipped him into the cross armbreaker for the win. Meh ending to a crappy match.

After some recaps, for reasons beyond my comprehension, Zach Ryder and Sin Cara teamed against Titus O’Neil and Heath Slater, team of SLATER GATOR.

Before the match, we got a backstage segment with Slater trying his best to annoy the shit out of O’Neil with his friendship. O’Neil tried to tell Slater he didn’t like him and hit Slater with his suit coat. Slater thought this was a new love tap thing and started poking O’Neil in the stomach. IT WAS OUTSTANDING. This dynamic is great, and I want to see more.

If Slater and O’Neil are going to be a thing, they really need to get entrance music, and if they aren’t going to do that, then can we get Slater’s old music back? Dude’s not a three man band anymore, depressing as that is. Best parts of the match were Renee Young’s N’Sync and Sweet Valley High references. Girl just gets me.

Slater Gator got the win after O’Neil hit Ryder with the Clash of the Titus, which is the greatest finisher name of all time. Match was alright, but nothing special. Kind of the name of the game for this week.

Brave New Recaps

I don’t know what you guys thought, but last Monday’s start to RAW was the best in a hot minute. If we got this version of John Cena every week, the one who appears to be trying to tell a compelling story, I’d seriously not have as much of a problem with him. He snuck one ‘jack’ in there, because how could he not, but this Cena needs to show up every Monday. My only other issue was Paul Heyman trying to get ‘victimized’ over. Conquered works just as well, and it sounds better. Just stick with that.

Oh, and that resulting match with Cesaro! How rad was that match? It started out a bit weird, but once they got into the swing of it, it was great. I still don’t understand why he isn’t a Heyman guy anymore, but whatever. Give me more matches like this, and I’ll over look the nonsensical story telling. I love that we got Cesaro pulling out some news moves, but I need him to whip that UFO out at some point. Don’t know what the UFO is? Go to YouTube. Type in Castagnoli and UFO in the search bar. Enjoy. The recapped match didn’t show Cesaro’s dead lift suplex, which is borderline unforgivable. Show that shit, WWE! Showcase the power!

Roman Reigns’ match with Kane was up next, with Michael Cole touting it as a ‘highly anticipated match up’. If you were looking forward to this match, you either need some joy in your life, or you’re just as indoctrinated as Cole and there is no saving you.

Randy Orton attacked Reigns as he came out for his match, and saved us all from watching the Captain get decimated again. Orton, IED sufferer, is the best Orton. He looks like a legit threat, instead of the castrated ‘demon’ the Captain is supposed to be. Seriously, no more of this Kane as an enforcer garbage. Either make him look like he’s worth a damn, or don’t even bother.

The recaps finished up with the Stephanie McMahon and Brie Bella sequence. I don’t have too much to say about that aside from McMahon being the baddest bitch in the room, and I’m waiting with baited breath for the training montages we better be treated to in the following weeks. Bella just seems like an eleven year old who just discovered that if her parents aren’t around, she can say all the naughty words she wants. I’d love for this to end with McMahon standing tall over Bella’s bludgeoned body, but I sense Nikki Bella preventing that from happening. Oh well. A girl can dream.

Random Thoughts

  • Bar Rescue’s John Taffer and Heyman should do the fusion dance. The resulting entity could take over the world with its verbosity.
  • That Sting WWE 2k15 announcement commercial is glorious. I need that fully orchestrated version of his theme yesterday.
  • Drunk guy with his own head as a sign, dancing when the camera is on you? Never change.