Monday, August 11, 2014

Smackdown: Friendship is Magic

This is how Ambrose returns friendship requests
Photo Credit:
Weird note about this show:

There was a Paige vs. Natalya match, but I did not see it. It just didn't show up on my broadcast. I thought I might have literally blinked and missed it, since I've read that the match was less than two minutes long, but I checked with my brother and he also did not see it. Was this a Canada-wide thing? Does SportsNet 360 have a weird vendetta against either Paige or Natalya? Did they, perhaps, decide to shoehorn in yet another airing of the Cena/Lesnar package in its place? Inquiring minds want to know!

Desperately Wants To Be Friends — Seth Rollins and Randy Orton... with Dean Ambrose 
Dean Ambrose is the coolest kid in school right now, and while I've previously stated that he doesn't need any friends, that certainly doesn't prevent others from wanting to be his friend. Seth Rollins and Randy Orton were clearly competing for his attention this week. I honestly think Rollins misses Ambrose. No matter how many sputtering rants he delivers, I think there's still a lingering affection there and he secretly wants this feud to go on forever so they can stay close. In fact, the way that Rollins practically vibrates with rage—such overblown theatricality—makes me think that he's protesting too much. His inability to resist interfering in Ambrose's match with Orton also made me think that he felt threatened by the latter's attempted in-roads.

Because while Orton was once again relegated to being a prop in the Ambrose/Rollins friendship fall-out, he was also clearly trying SO HARD to impress Ambrose so they could be psycho-buddies together. That video package of Orton beating up Roman Reigns? “Hey, Ambrose, look how TOTALLY UNHINGED I am, just like you! Look at me beating up your friend (possibly former friend? Do Ambrose and Reigns even know each other anymore? Whatever), thereby proving that I am more deserving of your friendship. LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME.”

That desperate promo wherein he went on and on about how he's the baddest bad person who ever was bad? “Look at me, Ambrose! LOOK AT ME!” After Rollins' interference in the match, Orton joined him in beating up Ambrose for a while, but he ultimately left the field, clearly in deference to the former Shield members' history together and with the knowledge that he could never really come between them.

Best Friends -- Big Show and Mark Henry
Any time Big Show and Mark Henry want to team up to crush a couple of dudes is fine by me. Their match against Rybaxel was quick, but fun. It looked like both Show and Henry enjoyed working together and being in front of a crowd again. I can't think of a more inspiring vision of friendship than two giant men with equally giant smiles on their faces. Adorable.

Does Not Deserve a Friend — Dolph Ziggler
Once again, Dolph Ziggler was the opposite of a person who deserves friends. When confronted by Seth Rollins, Ziggler commented that Rollins is what Catwoman would look like if she did a lot of CrossFit. ZING! Wait, no, that's not actually funny. Let's break this down:

  1. Catwoman probably DOES do a lot of CrossFit. Have you seen her? Accusing someone of having a physique like Catwoman is not an insult.
  2. Catwoman is hardly the only comic book character who wears tight, black clothes. Also, Catwoman is cool. In fact, pretty much any character who wears tight, black clothes could be considered cool. Accusing someone of wearing tight, black clothes is not insult. So what IS the insult here? Well...
  3. There are still pricks out there who think that referring to a man as a woman is the most devastating insult ever because they think women are weak and inferior. That's it; that's the joke. Lol ur a girl. Hilarious, bro.
Ziggler did have a fairly entertaining match against Rollins, but that doesn’t change the fact that he deserves no friends until he can leave the sexist bullshit behind.

Deserves a Friend -- Damien Sandow
It's always Damien Sandow. Not only did his match against Sin Cara continue the trend of having Sandow dress up in a ridiculous costume, but his schtick for the evening was just borrowed from the Real Americans. They couldn't even give him something of his own! Also, the fucktrucks on commentary spent the entire match cracking terrible jokes and shilling the Network. The match already clearly didn't matter, but they made doubly sure that everyone knew we were simply having our time wasted, for no other reason than so that the WWE could get cheap, racist heat.

Seriously, “Mr. Border Patrol” was REALLY the only thing with which they could come up? I know a lot of us are hoping that the new "Sandow's 60" feature might give some sort of direction to Sandow, or at least provide an explanation for the weird path he's been sent down, but mostly I just want someone to give him a hug and tell him everything will be okay.

Dude, Where Are Your Friends? -- Big E
Big E had a match against Rusev, but Kofi Kingston and Xavier Woods were nowhere in sight. Is their burgeoning stable not a thing anymore? But I liked the thing! Bring back the thing! JBL and Cole didn't even mention it (though I admit asking those two to pay any attention to continuity is asking a lot).

Hey, remember when we were supposed to cheer for Big E against Rusev and it was kind of great? And now we're supposed to cheer for the ignorant racists against Rusev and Big E is losing three minute matches? Such progress.