Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Stardust for President?

Graphics via @StardustWWE

In the most shocking candidacy for public office since Mary Carey attempted to win the California governor's office in a recall election, Stardust has announced that he will be running for the Presidency of the United States of America. He is not the first WWE wrestler to attempt a bid for office; Bob Backlund would have had my vote in 1996 had I been old enough to cast one. However, he is perhaps the weirdest guy to run for the highest office in the land, which may make him a better candidate than most of the offerings that the Democrats could throw out in 2016 and probably ALL of the possible runners from the GOP.

Anyway, after several long hours of searching Dust Bros. panic room, trying to get information from Dusty Rhodes, and several gallons of Bankers Club gin later, the esteemed Horb Flerbminber found for me an itinerary of campaign promises he pledges to unleash on the country when he starts hitting the stumping spots. Please make sure you credit Horb, and ONLY Horb, because if you credit anyone else, he's likely to cut you AND me. He's an extremely unstable man.
  • As a tribute to his father, all the working men experiencing hard times will get a complimentary visit to "The Pay Window," the secret stash of money hoarded by Presidents past. The stash is rumored to be the inspiration for Scrooge McDuck's money vault in Ducktales.
  • Secretary of the Interior Tyler Breeze will distribute paper bags to all the "uggos" across the land in an unprecedented plan to beautify the infrastructure.
  • Stardust believes finding the Cosmic Key will unlock the secrets of clean, renewable energy for the United States, nay, THE WORLD.
  • Ric Flair will be put into jail for crimes against the Rhodes family.
  • The phrase "Dusty Finish" will be taught in schools from a young age so that everyone will stop misusing the damn term already.
  • All schoolyard beefs will be decided via Backlot Brawls. Reenactments of the OJ Simpsons car chase will only be required for high school students of driving age.
  • Federal health programs will mandate that everyone learn how to ride a BICYCLE.
  • Everyone who can grow a sweet 'stache will get federal tax credits.
  • The JBL and Cole Show will become the national television program.
  • Anyone who doesn't follow the Dashing Cody Rhodes Grooming Tips Plan for Personal Hygiene will be forced to sit in a room and watch all the tips for proper grooming until they learn or they die trying.
  • Dusty Rhodes will be named to a new cabinet position, the Minister of Twitter.
Of course, this list is only partially complete, as the bottom half was unintelligible. Horb claims that it was ripped in transit, but I think he spilled hobo bean sauce on it and now can't read it. Either way, I think Stardust has some pretty good ideas. I'd vote for him in 2016, and honestly, you should too. Then again, with the way things usually end up, he'll probably run against Rybaxel. And in that case, I can't vote against the Big Guy. RYBACK FOR PRESIDENT IN 2016. FEED HIM MORE... VOTES.