Thursday, September 11, 2014

Best Coast Bias: Nonsense And Sensibilities

Do you buy what the $ellout is selling?
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When watching the WWE, especially the shows of lesser importance, it's paramount to keep in mind that what Stamford does is hold up a fun house mirror to society at large. The surreal is part and parcel of the landscape; you could turn into David Byrne's narrator from "Once In A Lifetime" or Jake Gittes at the end of Chinatown at any moment, full of more questions than answers, some of which may never get resolved to your satisfaction.

That said, this was a really hallucinatory episode of Main Event especially the further along into the show it went. By the end it seemed to somehow be a melange of a Looney Tunes rerun and, improbably, an infomercial for NXT.

It started off as just a simple wrestling show, too. Generic Rock Riff #347 brought out Mr. Money in the Bank, who couldn't even get a word in edgewise for a minute as the crowd reacted as you would expect them to react to Seth Rollins. Given that, Seth then opted to not vary from his prepared remarks at all because screw them, that's why. Bringing a pro graps sheen to the old adage of "I brought you into this world and I can take you out of this world", he played an unfun game of Where Are They Now? with the Shield. Ambrose? M.I.A., curb stomped into a movie r--oblivion. And Roman Reigns? Seth Rollins, like, invented Roman Reigns, you know what he means? And as of yesterday thanks to Kane, Randy Orton, a steel chair and a cage he just got curb stomped for his troubles as well. Even if there was anything left of him at Night Of Champions, Rollins was going to finish destroying what he'd created.

Barely had he put over the brightness of his future than out came Unkie Zeb and deaf-mute White Savior Jack Swagger, The Shame Of A Nation (now his full name after SummerSlam). Colter may've been right about Rollins being opportunistic and a sellout [deleted 26 pages about how this nation was remade with opportunism and land buys if not outright thievery amongst other things from the alleged Puritans], but ROllins was right about his future and after a rocky beginning minute and a half managed to stomp Swagger just the same as he had his former comrades in black. Fortunately for Swagger all he had do was be game and occasionally remember what his shirt tells him to do, as the Hacksaw chant was in full force alongside the usual We The Peopleing. Best of all, ROllins survived the Patriot Lock but sold it like a crippling machine, only to work his way through it and pull off the Stomp even if he had to sell it all the way to the back. This is the sort of thing that happens a) without a corporation backing your every move and b) when you don't BOlieve.

At this point the fissure started to open, as Titus O'Neil and Heath Slater were strategerizing about how to get the wabbit (spelling Titus' and presumably Elmer Fudd's before that). Since his ginger bashing's been costing the Gator matches, a capture should surely lead to a win for Titus over Adam Rose later on in the show, right? Well, presumably. Spoiler alert: They would try to capture the wabbit. Another spoiler alert: They would fail hilariously and the net would end up over Heath and not the hip-hopper. Tertiary spoiler alert: Titus O'Neil would get rolled up by Adam Rose after being run into Heath Slater, who'd just gotten freaking gamengiried by the aforementioned Wabbit when both – things were on the apron. Tinfoil hat alert – The Wabbit is Prince Devitt, isn't it?

It was oddly appropriate that this occurred late in the program, since right beforehand there'd been a Zachrifical lamb offered up to Cesaro. Even in a short sprint Ryder managed to get off the Broski Boot but wound up taking a ride on the Swing before Cesaro wrapped him up in a neat-looking reverse Cloverleaf type of hold to procure the win and send a message to Sheamus. If that leaned too subtle for your liking, you could have Renee interview him after the match, which is what happened. Hell, he even put over Ryder as a former United States Champion and asked Ms. Young "who are you to doubt Zach Ryder?", which, POINTS! before moving on to the business of beating Big Irish come Noche de Campeones.

He's just flat-out better: more educated, more interesting, way better-looking, and better between the ropes. This wasn't just a thing where he knew it, but Young, Sheamus, and even these people did as well. It should also be noted the pop he got for noting the crowd knew it too was a bit more robust than you might expect. And this was all before the Swiss Superman not only referred himself as a King of Swing but a KING OF WRESTLING and the new United States Champion. They could do a brisk upward business in sales for the Network if they kicked it off with a half-hour US Title change next Sunday featuring Sheamus and Cesaro going to the wall and beating the crap out of each other on the way through it, but that's not exactly news to the BCBite, is it?

What was was callup week continuing in the show closer with the Matadores the meat for the grinder that is the NXT Tag Team Champions, the Ascension. It was a little longer than Konor and Viktor were used to going, for whatever reason. Seriously, the Matadores pose about as much a threat to an actual tag team at this point as used face tissue. But while it lasted both Cole and Saxton were talking up the length and the total dominance of the Champions for nearly a year to this point, and even managed to big up Sin Cara and Kalisto in the process. Seeing the very slight change in entrance for them just regalvanized a widely-held suspicion – NXT is the WWE's finishing school. As time goes on they want a character (or characters here) to arrive pretty much fully formed to the big shows after getting their posture straightened and their grammar sharpened metaphorically by the time they put it not only on NXTV but all the work down Full Sail way. While the crowd wasn't exactly familiar with Total Anniyahlation they weren't actively mean-spirited to the guys showcased in advanced of the Network Special, and a ooh-look-at-that buzz did go through the arena when they finished off Fernando or maybe Diego with the Fall Of Man.

For the Ascension, it was the same as it ever was. For SlaterGator, it was not their beautiful house. But time isn't holding us and time isn't after us for nearly $10 a month for six months; it's just another signpost as the WWE starts and stops but never quite makes sense. And that's what makes it so continually intriguing.