|What BREAKING NEWS is about Cesaro and Vince McMahon? READ BELOW!|
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Also, you can and probably should follow me on Twitter at @HorbFlerbminber, where you can get all the BREAKING scoops that happen as they happen. For a low monthly fee, I can give you access to my LinkedIn account too, although I only use that to send sanitation companies Bryan Alvarez's resume. HE KNOWS WHAT HE DID. Although I probably shouldn't be TOO hard on Alvarez. One night, we got RIPSHIT drunk on absinthe and rubbing alcohol and lit paper bags full of dog poop on Joe Babinsack's front porch. And by front porch, I mean his kitchen. And by dog poop, I mean propane canisters. I think I've written too much already.
Also, since I live an expensive lifestyle - chubs of Spam are apparently NOT CHEAP anymore - I have taken up a side business of selling REAL FIGHT WORN ARTIFACTS. Basically, I have teeth from almost EVERY REAL FIGHTER known to man. I price on a sliding scale, based on how easily attainable those teeth were. You can get the prelim bum package, or if you're a high-roller, I have one of RONDA ROUSEY's MOLARS. You wouldn't believe how hard it was to get that. Don't ask me how, either. Just know that her home security system is state of the art. Anyway, if you're interested, then send a self-addressed, stamped envelope and a check for the merchandise you want to this address:
Horb's Dental MemoriesYou can find my online catalog right here.
13570 St Charles Rock Rd
Also, I've come to understand that my first issue was greeted with HATE MAIL on Twitter. I mine the SCOOPS for you, and you have AUDACITY to say I'm not self-aware? WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? Really, I don't think I've ever heard that phrase before in my life. Anyway, for all you people out there who want to MOCK ME, I am extending a personal invitation to LICK MY SMELLY FEET. In fact, if you have any problems with what I write, then please send me your Facebook information so that I can send you a proper e-vite. I will try to post a date which is agreeable for everyone. And please, no one click MAYBE. Either you are showing up to lick my feet or you're not. I don't want any of this mamby-pamby bullshit. This generation is so fucking indecisive, jeez.
Also, I take commissions for drawings. I draw anyone or anything you want. In fact, don't just trust me, hear some testimonials! Like Kay Fabian from Cheesequake, NJ!
I paid for a drawing of Ray Charles. It was a stick figure with a disturbingly detailed, veiny penis. I want my money back.See? Another satisfied customer!
Finally, please take the time to visit my blind grandmother at Mt. Sinai Medical Center in New York. Also, pretend you're me. I'd go and visit, but I have to MINE THE SCOOPS.
- It is being reported by sources that Vince McMahon doesn't get Cesaro, referring to the company Pollyanna for the holidays this year. Sources close to the proceedings are baffled why it was being chosen this early, but they are saying that possibly it has something to do with budgetary concerns about low performances and monetary influxes. McMahon reportedly has received Kevin Dunn. Meanwhile, Triple H has drawn Corporate Kane. He plans on giving him a cross-stitch that says "Sorry I fucked the corpse of your dead girlfriend on national television."
- TNA budget cuts are coming. Rumor has it that the company will plan to make the X-Division a one man show.
- KENTA's new name revealed at Takeover, Hideo Itami, has been revealed to be an homage to his hero and mentor, Ted Arcidi.
- Stacy Keibler is received by mid-season of WWE, because pushing the show is likely to be almost as much, the former UFC champion Randy Couture, as the Stars dance the night with the debut of the new season. I have been shown in the corner of his son Randy 1,000 times more likely to plug, which he mentioned Week Bellator, is not seen.
- CM Punk is upset.
- The word "wrestling" was said 12,919 times at the Empire State Building last week. An estimated 83% of those mentions were about actual pro wrestling.
- Ricochet will be joining Lucha Underground, but not in a role where you can see his face. Or his body. In fact, his role will be played by Ted Arcidi.
- As part of my court-ordered sensitivity training and sentencing, I must now say something NICE about a woman wrestler that isn't sexual in nature. AJ Lee has good form on her skipping.
- Ted DiBiase said in an interview that RAW's sliding ratings should be blamed on "the gays."
- King of Trios is this weekend in Easton, PA. Here is the complete first round lineup:
- The Ant Farm vs. the Hydrox Ant Farm
- Punch Rockgroin, Mark Scrodgutter, and Bugsy Carcrash vs. Lou Thesz, Lou Thesz's Rabbit, and Lou Thesz's daughter
- Brock Lesnar, Todd Starnes, and Moises Alou (Team Piss) vs. Manny Fernandez, American Balloon, and Drew Magary
- The Spirit Squad vs. Kizarny, Festus, and Bam Neely
- Dr. Mantis Toboggan holding two Pumpkin Spice Lattes vs. Team SHIMMER
- The German Cubist Movement vs. Terence and Phillip
- Homicide, Suicide, and Regicide vs. Mixed Martial Archie, Reilly O'Kyle, and Chael Sonnen
- Weird Twitter vs. the cast of Girl Meets World
- Hulk Hogan seen leaving negotiations for a cast addition for Legends House 2.
- WWE put on the Brock Lesnar/John Cena segment at halftime of the Monday Night Football game because Cena's girlfriend, Nikki Bella, is a huge Eagles fan, and apparently, she considers watching with Cena good luck.
- I asked my nephew what he thought about the Bella Twins/Jerry Springer segment from last week's RAW. He said "Who the heck are they? You smell like grandma's hospital room."
- I went to Global Force Wrestling's headquarters, only to find the building boarded up and the doors locked with a sign that only said "CROATOAN" on it.
- Christian's Peep Show for the Night of Champions pre-show has been canceled thanks to another injury for the snakebitten superstar. Apparently, Christian was so excited when he found out he'd actually be booked, he leaped out of his chair and hit his head on a low ceiling.
- Chris Jericho was to receive three stitches after his match against Kane Monday, but Big E Langston saw the wound and said, "Three ain't enough, man, he needs five."
- Recent studies in Japan indicate that the latest New Japan Pro Wrestling show is the most common cause of priapism in the last week.
- The following list contains things that are a rib on Renee Young for not wearing shoes. It's not exhaustive:
- Paul Heyman's promo on RAW this week
- Bull Dempsey having a new nickname every show
- The name Hideo Itami
- The Montreal Screwjob
- Summer Rae and Layla being friends
- JBL's position on the commentary team on RAW (but not Smackdown)
- Derek Jeter's retirement
- The @CrankyVince twitter account
- Roman Reigns going over Seth Rollins clean six days before their Night of Champions match
- Ted Arcidi
- Finally, last week's poll results showed that 57% of you think WWE should replace Michael Cole with Mike Goldberg, 29% with Tony Schiavone, 11% with Paris Hilton, and 3% said Mike Tenay. This week's poll: