Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Issue 3

Hogan gets a retraction!
Photo via @HulkHogan
HORB FLERBMINBER is back once again with 30 pounds of news shoved into a five pound bag. I have so many scoops for you that Tidy Cat is suing me for gimmick infringement. Of course, I have the law offices of Plagueis, Shandor, and Morgoth working DAY AND NIGHT to make sure I win that suit. In fact, junior partner Bankley Morintomoson said I have a 32.5% chance of NOT going to debtor's jail. THAT'S ALMOST A THIRD. However, my lawyers have also informed me that the delivery of MINED SCOOPS will be INTERRUPTED this week because I have several injunctions filed against me from the state of Louisiana, the commonwealth of Kentucky, the Hennepin County Chamber of Commerce, the Better Business Bureau, and the estate of Paul Lynde on false reporting of news. TECHNICALITIES. People just can't handle the raw and REAL nature of my nuggets. Anyway, this week, I have to print retractions. Before I get to those, I have some business to handle.

First, if you need to contact me with vital information about CM Punk, Sting, CM Sting, Punk M. Borden, or any other unholy hybridization of those two wrestlers, please contact me POST HASTE at I must know ALL of the news as it happens or else my mucus membranes will dry out and I will DIE. Do you want my soul on your conscience? DO YOU? Second, if you can't wait for me to remember my e-mail password, you should totally follow me on Twitter at @HorbFlerbminber. I dispense the most BREAKING of scoops in 140 characters or fewer.

Also, if you can't get enough of my news and want to hear my smooth, sensual voice, then you're in luck because I have a hotline now. Call (888) 235-3596 for all the hottest NEWS, the steamiest RUMORS, and the raunchiest GOSSIP. It's $4.99 for the first minute and $1.99 for each subsequent minute, and I give DEEP DISCOUNTS to those who call for over three hours at a time. Kids, you do NOT need your parents' permission to call this line either.

Additionally, I have instituted a petsitting service around the nation. My network of PET PROFESSIONALS will take care of your animal friends and feed them nothing but the best generic store brand corn flakes and canned chicken. My PROFESSIONALS know animals, because they come from the finest Conrail train cars. NO CSX LOSERS FOR ME. Anyway, we have babysat for ALL THE WRESTLING pets as well, from Kizarny's pet spider to Daniel Bryan and Brie Bella's french bulldog! In fact, here's a testimonial from Teddy Hart from the time we watched his cat, Mr. Money:
Who the fuck are you? I'm trying to watch a show. GET OUT OF MY FACE.
Another satisfied customer!

If you would like to order back issues of PRO WRESTLING SKOOPZ, then lol, look at you trying to order from archives that burnt down in the great Sheboygan Flophouse District Fire of Aught Six. However, here are some highlights you may have missed if you haven't been a subscriber since DAY ONE.
  • 1/4/13699997986 BC - We thoroughly review The Big Bang and its effects on business worldwide. I analyze the mistakes made and how the early Universe failed to create stars right away. I also have an exclusive interview with Dory Funk, Jr.
  • 4/9/33 - The business ramifications of Jesus Christ's crucifixion and subsequent resurrection are analyzed. Staff writer Barnabas of Yafo has the SCOOP that the resurrected Christ was an impostor, setting up for a big Jesus vs. Jesus match at the big Coliseum house show for the Rome territory.
  • 10/9/1975 - We cover the big plane crash, which consists of calling everyone who was on board and WASN'T back in the ring within a week a giant, throbbing pussy.
  • 4/4/1985 - In my most regrettable issue ever, I completely ignore WrestleMania instead opting to go all in on covering Yugoslavia's Tito Wrestling Fest for Free Peoples.
  • 5/4/1995 - FULL COVERAGE of the Collision in Korea, including a 34 page analysis of the great and glorious Democratic People's Republic of North Korea by guest analyst Kim Jong-Il.
  • 6/24/1999 - Nothing special really happened this week, but I printed a full size centerfold of my penis.
  • 6/28/2007 - The life and times of Chris Benoit, including several pages of conspiracy theories about how he wasn't the real killer and instead was the victim of an elaborate setup perpetrated by Kevin Sullivan, Mongo McMichael, George W. Bush, Louis Anderson, and Elian Gonzalez, written by a group of people who'd go on to found Reddit's EXCELLENT subforum on pro wrestling, r/SquaredCircle.
Also, be sure to check out my ass. I've been doing squats at the gym lately.

Alright, now, usually my reporting is SPOTLESS and ACCURATE, but sometimes, even ol' Horbie makes some mistakes. In accordance with the terms of my parole, and under threat of litigation from Dave Meltzer, Mike Mooneyham, Satoshi Tajiri, OctoMom, and the Ku Klux Klan, I am compelled to write the following list of retractions of news stories I have printed recently.

- Contrary to my report on WWE releases, Brodus Clay was not released from his contract because of chronic and odoriferous flatulence. As it turns out, WWE released him because it had reached its self-imposed quota of African-American wrestlers and needed to release someone so it could sign Willie Mack.

- I recently reported that Sting would release a smooth jazz album with Paul Simon and Ric Flair. This report was erroneous. He's actually playing guest bass on three tracks on the next UltraMantis Black LP.

- This past week, I reported that Ric Flair would be working on WWE's tour of Mexico. As it turns out, he was working in the country for the White Widow Enterprises cartel muling coke into the United States in an attempt to work of his massive debts.

- I'm Jon "Bones" Jones reported abandoned by UFC. It is inside the UFO suspended in the liquid, just a week after a glove.

- I reported that Mad Men, season 4, episode 6 contained a reference to pro wrestling, but this report was false. As it turns out, Don Draper just burped.

- My report that stated "pro wrestling and mixed-martial arts are two different things." THEY ARE EXACTLY THE SAME. ALWAYS.

- I misattributed reports of Vince McMahon's impending demise to the Weekly World News, when in fact, Bryan Alvarez originally reported it in the Figure Four Weekly.

- As it turns out, the average weight of a human testicle is 17.2 grams, not 17.2 kilotons. I regret this error.

- The quote, "We shall not flag or fail. We shall go on to the end. We shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender," was actually said by Winston Churchill in 1940, not by Emma on the 9/4/14 episode of Superstars.

- During my detailed rundown of Hulk Hogan's filmography on Monday in response to his tweet about going to see Ninga Turtles, I omitted his starring role in Untitled Hulk Hogan Sex Tape (2012). This omission was a mistake, I assure you.

- The following is a list of things I erroneously reported as being ribs on Renee Young for wearing shoes. They were NOT ribs on Renee Young for wearing shoes:
  • Darren Young coming out of the closet
  • The finish to Brock Lesnar/John Cena at both Extreme Rules '12 and Night of Champions '14
  • Booker T's continued employment as a WWE talking head
  • Benghazi
  • CM Punk walking out of WWE
  • Hulk Hogan saying Silverdome instead of Superdome
  • Sami Zayn's eternal NXT losing streak
  • The fall of the Roman Empire
  • @GayHooters
  • Young's position in the Superstars broadcast booth
  • The rise of Communism in Russia
- I erroneously reported that CM Punk was miffed, when as it turns out, he is currently unpleasant.

- Last week's poll results are as follows: 44% of you gave Night of Champions thumbs down, 26% thumbs WAY down, 21% genetically engineering a third thumb to put down with the other two, and 9% spent Sunday night pleasuring yourselves to old UFC footage instead. Here's this week's poll: