Tuesday, September 9, 2014

The Past Is Prologue: Total Divas Season 3, Episode 1 Recap: A Shocking Return

The surprising top two in the power rankings this week
Photo Credit: WWE.com

Yes, I lied. Three months ago, I left in an overdramatic huff (that was completely legitimate at the time) over the season two finale of Total Divas, essentially labeling it as a waste of my time that I could spend writing about video games or bad sushi. Of course, I never wrote those things. Being the person that I am means that when I stop writing regularly, my routine is off. I can't type out 1000 words in the same fashion. It is a slog to get me to finish anything if I don't force myself into that routine again. Total Divas, bless its inept little heart, is about routine. The end of this episode would not be out of place as the end of literally every episode of the series prior.

So this will require a little freshening up to the format. I actually already put my handy power rankings on Twitter, and I'll just give a short little explanation of story stuff but more context of why I wrote the tweet.

How did this happen? How did Eva Marie become the one person I relate to in a land of miserable people who need work, children, or any sort of support to stay above water? How did Eva Marie feel like the one person on the show that legitimately didn't care how she was perceived and was actually admirable for that exact quality? There is nothing inherently noble in using a "Save the Date" to pose in underwear and Misfits shirts. And maybe that's it. I can't entirely throw down a well anybody with such a little care of where she goes other than the way she wants. There was a scene where after complaining about her weight, husband Jonathan quips about her being on the Maxim Hot 100. Eva Marie's response is "whatever." Down is the new up and Eva Marie for one week is the weird anomaly.

SpaceCrook is the former account of Kayfabe Comedy, a site which sadly has been washed away by the tides of not paying for hosting. Anyway, the above hashtag was the one he used to do his power ranking grades because we are all the same and need numbers to sustain us. More importantly, Eva Marie's mom basically did a re-enactment of the scene below upon noting casually out of nowhere that Eva's dad was suffering from colon cancer. I wouldn't make light of this if it didn't sound nearly exactly like the following:

Summer at this point in the show's timeline is filming Marine 4 with The Miz. It is easily the smartest decision both her and the show could make, as Summer's act never feels malicious enough for the general distaste that everyone else shows for her. It was a lot of the main reasons why season 2 felt like such a slog to get through despite its ridiculousness. But don't worry, she'll get hers (read: get beaten down despite the fact that the other person is the annoying one) this season!

This is a Brooklyn Nine-Nine reference, a show I just realized will probably be competing in the same timeslot against Total Divas and now I start crying and pretending that Eva Marie is Rosa Diaz.
Nattie walked into a room and Rosa was just naked because E!

Basically this:

A show-long storyline about Nikki freezing her eggs ("aygs, CC: Brandon Stroud also hi!) to have children in the future. Sigh. How cheap is a vasectomy?

Seriously, Titus O'Neil was there to say "AWW HELL NAW" to Eva Marie "Save the Date" photos. Still better than Cameron.

Pictured below: the best two scenes of Total Divas this week: