Tuesday, September 23, 2014

The Past is Prologue: Total Divas Season 3 Episode 2 and 3 Semi-recap

Summer Rae rules, mostly everyone else drools
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Back in the ancient days, delays weren't really explained since every publication had a deadline of sorts. Either you turn in a half-assed piece by a given date or face the unemployment line. I suppose this is still true. Pretty sure the folks working at a lovely site like With Spandex have to get their work in by a set time even if they don't have it in. Anyways, this is a long rambling way to further apologize for the classic Trey Irby writing delay. I had work (which a lot of people have) and I had laziness (which Trey Irby has) so Total Divas' latest episode is out of the purview and I am now doing a double recap, a further procrastination technique. And again, I give gracious thanks to anyone who would read this long ass pointless thing.

It's breakup season in Total Divas land. Everyone pretty much began to hate each other slowly and surely. In episode 2, it was the Ariane/Trinity saga. In episode 3, it was the reheated Summer/Nattie saga, which at least seemed to be a relief because it was at least a common thread. Like damn, this is rough. Anyways, let's reestablish the power rankings hierarchy, combining two episodes with lazy discussion as always.

1. Summer Rae

It's season two all over again. Once again, the person with the least reason to be hated on so massively by everyone else in the cast is also the character with the most bite. Summer Rae isn't an angel, but in the land of the catty, she feels the most instantly memorable. I have a hard time explaining what it is that draws me to Summer over everyone else to the point that I'm willing to outright dismiss the rest of the cast by proxy. But episode 3 had a dramatic Summer Rae return that maybe found the answer. Here's a few quotes courtesy of my Twitter paraphrasing:

I may have added those fucks for emphasis, but you get the point. Even if Total Divas doesn't grasp Summer Rae, Summer Rae sure as shit grasps what Summer Rae is and tears it apart. When she's allowed to turn this cold, it's a performance that plays like the reality show version of every 2010s Eva Green character. It's that fucking good.

2.  Rosa Mendes

I don't think there was anything about Rosa that is all that redeeming, but I also don't think she's a person I can dislike, either. She plays as very honest, maybe because there isn't anything all that interesting other than being a bikini model for Rosa, but I also don't feel like her character on Total Divas is fake or feels fake or however you put a meta-real figure. Maybe I just latch onto rehab stories given my own life and the struggles I've seen with friends and family. Fuck, there's me placing my specific feelings to a general narrative again. Gotta stop that, Trey.

3. Daniel Bryan

Requisite rating. Also didn't act like a dick when a lady said "how are you going to support your family with [the yes chant]" as if she wasn't aware that YES t-shirts and merch are a thing that could keep a dude making money for the rest of time.

4. Everyone else

Here's the thing: in the last three episodes, everyone hasn't felt quite right. It feels kind of dumb listing anyone past the people above because they seem to be vanishing from episode to episode. Ariane and Trinity had a big feud, one with the most absurd ending in Trin hating the hell out of Ariane for wanting to go down to NXT and actually train to be a better performer. Maybe she wouldn't pin someone's back if she had this training, Trin! So no one deserves a spot. And Nattie deserves to be sat down.