Friday, October 24, 2014

Dispatches from the Lake: Some Helpful Advice

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It’s been a hot minute since I’ve sat down to watch Superstars. I’m sure you guys all missed the write ups on the show that literally no one watches except for me and a few other suckers who review it. Superstars is usually pretty inoffensive. Tonight was no different.

I’m having a hard time with WWE programming lately. I don’t know anyone who isn’t. The lack of coherent thought and just overall laziness is really starting to bother me. I’ve been arguing with myself about whether or not to keep the Network or not. I mean, I ultimately will. I really enjoy the back catalogue, and despite all my complaints, I do watch nearly every special event/Sunday Night Raw. I watch because I hope that we might get a glimpse of the fun and greatness that we sometimes get. I’m worried we aren’t going to get anything like that until December, which is usually when WWE decides to start kind of trying again.

But enough of my complaining. You’ve heard it all thousands of times since WrestleMania.

There wasn’t much to Superstars tonight. We got Kofi Kingston and Tyson Kidd in a match that didn’t really pull me from my game of Bubble Witch Saga. Kingston had on his unfortunately colored in the crotch tights. As the match went on, all the commentators talked about was Total Divas. I’m happy for Kidd. He’s really gotten into his character, and he’s getting some time in whatever lime light is left from the super mega important best of infinity series between John Cena and Randy Orton.

Kidd finished Kingston off with a sharpshooter to win the match. Kingston didn’t immediately tap out, which I liked. Nothing bothers me more than when a wrestler is put into a submission and immediately taps. Struggle a bit, boys, fight. That’s what you’re here to do, isn’t it?

Second match of the night was Jack Swagger and Bo Dallas. Again, nothing particularly special. I really liked the Bo-Dog into the Patriot Lock that ended the match, but other than that, I had a hard time paying attention. For reasons that will forever be beyond me there was a commercial in the middle of this match. Commercials that cut into a match in the middle of a taped show make no sense. They need to stop doing it.

Before I leave you for the week, please find below a handy list of things to do instead of watching Cena vs. Orton part 146,578:

  1. Pack your lunch for work on Monday. Take that 40 minutes to craft an exquisite meal that’ll leave your co-workers envious! Those idiots only packed a sandwich. Probably because they were watching Cena and Orton. Dummies.
  2. Contemplate the last time a Hell in a Cell match actually meant something.
  3. Do some laundry.
  4. Wonder who won the auction for Stephanie McMahon’s SummerSlam ring gear and what dirty, horrible things they are doing to it right now.
  5. Watch the Cruiserweight episode of Monday Night War and feel your brain leak out your ears at such glorious, irony-free quotes as “The more people that are stars on the roster just helps everybody. I don’t think they cared enough to try.”
  6. Speaking of the Monday Night War, make a list of all the similarities between current WWE and late period WCW.
  7. Thoroughly clean out the lint from your dryer.
  8. Count the days until NXT come on.
  9. Watch literally any other match from this year.
  10. Say you won’t watch, get curious, turn it back on, lie to yourself, and say you’re only watching for the crowd reaction.