Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Issue 4

Photo Credit:
Okay, after a one week HIATUS for an UNLAWFUL ARREST, your buddy Horb is back with all the scoops that you can fit in a ten pound bag. As it turns out, stealing candy from a baby is a federal offense in Kentucky, where I was STAKING OUT because I heard CM Punk might have been in the area. I got 40 lashes with a corn stalk, and I was forced to drink bourbon that was distilled in Michigan. Yuck. Anyway, my voice CANNOT be silenced, and my scoops CANNOT remain unmined! You people wanted the best, so you've got the best! THAT STATEMENT IS A CREATION OF HORB ENTERPRISES® AND CANNOT BE USED WITHOUT EXPRESS WRITTEN AND VERBAL CONSENT AND A PINT OF BLOOD FROM YOU OR YOUR FIRSTBORN.

Firstly, if you have any news, tips, unfounded rumors, sightings of wrestlers looking for MMA tickets, or any inside info on the circumference of Dana White's dick, contact me at I also am a LICENSED GARCINEA DEALER, so if you need the miracle plant, shoot me a line. I'll get my associates Yggdrasil Morkensporker and Jahmez Zmith to forward you all the pertinent links and PayPal information. Secondly, if you want UP TO THE NANOSECOND scoops, you need to follow me on Twitter at @HorbFlerbminber. I use TACHYON TECHNOLOGY so I know the scoops before they happen. BEFORE. THEY. HAPPEN. Do you want to know who's going to win the World Series? That information costs EXTRA on my HORB HITZ HOTLINE, which you can dial at (480) 607-0677. It costs five Bitcoin for the first minute and 12 Galactic Credits each additional minute. However, if you want to know when Sting is going to debut, against whom Sting may be feuding, and whether or not his tour with Paul Simon has garnered ALL THE BUYS or not, you need to follow me on Twitter.

Of course, I also am in the process of selling my votes on the Wrestling Observer Hall of Fame ballot. My pay rates are firm but fair. The rates are $25 if you want me to consider voting for a candidate, $50 if you want me actually to VOTE for a candidate, and a cool $125 if you want me to break into people's houses and manually change their ballots. I've already committed voter fraud against seven different voters, including first-time voter Dylan Hales. Haha, see if they let you back in next year! (Dylan knows what he did.) I offer discounts for people who inquire after the deadline for ballots passes. That deadline apparently happened some time last week.

I also offer a line of shampoos and conditioners called HORBAL ESSENCEZ. These hair products are made from the finest, most natural chemicals known to man. If you can't pronounce at least half the ingredients, you get a bottle of nail polish remover for FREE. If you don't believe me, I have a TESTIMONIAL from Gillian Samsonite from Aspen, CO:
I bought Horbal Essencez and was intending to use it because it was the only shampoo at the local Wal*Mart that wasn't tainted at the moment. Then my mother-in-law came over for the weekend. She really grates on me, you know. She took a shower before I did and used the new hair products. All her hair subsequently fell out, and now she can't hear out of her left ear. It was the best weekend of my life. Thanks Horbal Essencez!
Another satisfied customer.

I'll be making appearances this week too. Monday, I'll be in Chicago, rooting through CM Punk's dumpster for evidence of a comeback or Chinese food containers. A man has to eat, you know. Tuesday, I'll be at the free clinic in Indianapolis jumping in front of the elderly and infirmed trying to get as many flu shots as I can for this upcoming season. Wednesday, I'll be heading to Todd Martin's house to pick a fight with him because I feel like it. Thursday is a travel day, I'll be hiding in the cargo hold of a 767 flight from New York City to Seattle, and Friday, I'll be hanging out on top of the Space Needle, desperately begging people to dare me to drop pennies on unsuspecting people below.

Also, please check out that rash on your abdomen. Ebola's going around, and I'm afraid you might have it. Don't even come near me, I don't wanna catch that shit, I'm already banned from 47% of all emergency rooms around the country and my passport has a big "DO NOT ALLOW TO LEAVE THE UNITED STATES" stamped on it.

And now, THE SCOOPS.

- CM PUNK was sighted backstage at a wrestling show Saturday. I know this because I WAS THERE AND I GOT THIS SCOOP NOT ANY OTHER WEBSITE. He was apparently there to scout opponents because he is totally making a comeback to WWE. Why would he be scouting for future foes at an Ohio Valley Wrestling show? Because shut up, that's why.

- Reports say that CM Punk was flummoxed backstage, but his mood changed to grumpy when I accosted him in the bathroom.

- Punk also said that he wanted no one to look him in the eye except for Cliff Compton, Colt Cabana, or Jennifer Lawrence at the show, and he wanted a bowl full of only lilac-colored M&Ms. Other than that, it is said he just wants to enjoy his retirement as a regular guy just like and me.

- WWE officials, upon getting word that Punk was backstage at a wrestling show, were busy getting his theme song queued up and plans for his return at a house show in place. These plans were quickly scuttled when WWE learned that Punk was at a show in Kentucky instead of in Providence, RI, where the company was running a live event.

- Punk's mood on his LiveJournal is currently listed as "Amused," which is the biggest sign that it hasn't been updated since 2005.

- AJ Lee receiving CM Punk chants at RAW this past Monday CONFIRMED the fact that she is indeed married to Punk.

- Punk reportedly ate at a local haunt around the show before his appearance backstage. He ordered a hot brown sandwich, but he threw the dish in the server's face and yelled at him "HEY, WHAT THE FUCK, THE BACON ON THIS ISN'T CRISPY ENOUGH FOR MY LIKING! DON'T YOU KNOW WHO THE FUCK I AM? I'M CM PUNK. I'M THE LONGEST REIGNING WWE CHAMPION SINCE HULK HOGAN AND DON'T YOU FUCKING FORGET THAT."

- Punk continues to stress that he just wants to be a regular dude during his time off from wrestling. Please give him his space.

- I used a Freedom of Information Act request to get all of Punk's real estate records, and no, he was not involved in the Whitewater scandal that rocked the Clinton Administration in the late '90s.

- CM Punk is currently slated to return on the November 10 RAW, where he will run out during a battle royale, be immediately eliminated, and then put his balls on the head of every fan chanting his name before vanishing into the aether.

- When Stephanie McMahon was asked about CM Punk's potential return, she said "Never say never." She then said, "Sike, he's never coming back unless he sucks Hunter's dick and pledges fealty to our new religion based after my father." Sounds like the door is still wide open to me.

- Wouldn't it be dreamy of CM Punk came back on RAW and just shot on everyone?

- Punk will apparently continue quiet retired life for the next couple of months, where he is scheduled to make a surprise appearance on Saturday Night Live, be on stage with Madball on six of the next eleven dates on their tour, judge a pierogi eating contest in Cleveland, and film a live, 15 minute block to be simulcast on the FOX and CW Networks where he just repeats "Me, MEEEEEEE" until his time is up. What a humble, low key guy.

- One final note, Steve Austin is preparing for a comeback, but who cares, he's not CM Punk.

- Last week's poll results are in, and 56% of you said the PRO WRESTLING show you're most looking forward to next is UFC 180, 20% said Invicta 9, 13% said Bellator 131, and 11% said UFC 179. This week's poll...