Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Issue 6

What is CM Punk's current mood?
Photo Credit:
It's me, it's me, it's that miner of ESS-SEE-DOUBLE OH-PEE-ESS, Horb Flerbminber BACK with the juiciest news, the hottest gossip, the steamiest rumors, and the most molten TAKES in all pro wrestling. If you're one of the many people reading this every week, you know you're getting the BEST in wrestling news around. If you're not reading FUCK YOU unless you decide to read. I don't know why anyone would want to DENY themselves the best and most informative thing they'd ever read in their sorry lives, but here we are. These scoops SAVE LIVES. In fact, the reason why ebola has only killed ONE person in America is because reading PRO WRESTLING SKOOPZ has been proven by medical science to be a vaccination against the disease.

As usual, if you have any hot tips, links to savings on baked beans, or if you know of a place where I can get high-quality white-man-on-black-woman-while-both-are-wearing-high-heels-and-the-guy-is-wearing-a-fake-beard porn (I have VERY SPECIFIC fetishes), send them to my e-mail address, ProWrestlingSKOOPZ at gmail dot com. All your tips are very important to me, but not important enough for me to credit you. Seriously, you should feel thankful that I gave you my e-mail address in the first place. Do you know how many stray dogs have contacted me about wanting a place to sleep? I AM TAKING MY LIFE INTO MY HANDS HERE, PEOPLE. However, if you want up to the minute SCOOPS in both real and fake time, check in on my Twitter feed, @HorbFlerbminber. I tweet straight FIRE, and sometimes water, because the fires get TOO HOT. My Twitter is the feed that dirt sheet stans are AFRAID of because I drop so much truth that it makes their idols look like fools. FOOLS.

Back issues of SKOOPZ were on sale, but the Hamburgler STOLE THEM and now he won't give them back. THANKS OBUNGLER.

To recoup losses from the back newsletters going missing, I am selling my body, both for science AND for sex. If you have a scientific study that you need done, or if you want a warm hole or a hard rod to satisfy your needs, I am your man. I only reject your offer if you don't pay enough. If you need even MORE PROOF, here is a testimonial from Humberto Gorbachev from Satan's Kingdom, MA:
I paid Mr. Flerbminber to jack off on a pile of dirty laundry while I hung from the ceiling by my legs upside down. Not only could he not get maintain an erection, he ate all the Funyuns and Ho-Hos in the house. The crushing disappointment made me take stock in my life, and I've lost 15 pounds and don't need voyeurism to ejaculate anymore. Thanks, Horb!
Another satisfied customer.

Be sure to check, check, check, check it out.

- TNA will be holding a tag team tournament over its next set of television tapings. The winners' prize will be never being signed by WWE when TNA folds sometime in February.

- CM Punk is currently enraged.

- Seth Rollins was once again put into a situation where he was in the line of fire of a descending metal object that could have crushed him on Monday. Sources insist that these incidents happening are coincidental, but one source has told me that it's the intentional work of new WWE Creative booking team member, Green Lantern Fan.

- Michael Elgin recorded a shoot interview with Highspots, and you're going to have to pay me a lot of money if you want me to review that shit.

- John Cena is slated to become a reality TV producer. His first project is Wrestling Mythbusters, where he shows how everyone's gimmick is fake. The first episode, slated to shoot next Tuesday, will detail how Randy Orton isn't even a real snake.

- Manager mixture Arts Martial, entertainment, sports and Bamba, is proud to announce the weight average bout for Bamba 17, which includes me, "Butcher" Chadwick Connor vs. "When Hook" Cook and Jack mkgann signed a deal long-term with the organization and would be facing farmers kevan the bout lightweight Cafe Victoria, Manchester on December 6.

- In response to the announcement that WWE has instituted a new, zero-tolerance domestic abuse policy to its Wellness Program, Ring of Honor chairman Joe Koff said, "Eh, yeah, I guess we think women are people."

- HOT RUMOR: Tyson Kidd putting cats on his kneepads is the only pussy he's gotten in the last few months.

- A TNA #GamerGate stable where Manik and Norv Fernum would go around to each individual Knockout and tell them why they dare oppress the males on the roster was nixed when Jessicka Havok shoved Fernum halfway into a tube of toothpaste. In a related note, Fernum's flatulence has smelled like wintergreen for the last week and a half.

- WWE's soundtrack for its latest game received rave reviews from The Onion, The Daily Currant, and John Cena, Sr.

- Current plans for Bray Wyatt include the pregnant belly in his vignettes as a jump off point to introduce the eTrade baby into WWE.

- Renee Young recently received high praise from WWE officials, but it turns out it was just a rib on her not wearing shoes.

- Undertaker was spotted on the sidelines at the Texas/Iowa State game Saturday, but he was thrown out of the stadium by Charlie Strong for violating team rules.

- The latest Ross Report features Jim Ross talking to Mark Madden and OH MY GOD NO OKAY OKAY I'LL WATCH THE ELGIN SHOOT. JESUS.

- Top WWE heel insults the local sports team, and somehow this is top grade news.

- SHIMMER results from this past weekend are redacted from this week's report, because of angry letters I have received from #GamerGate about how I cover too much women's wrestling.

- Justin Roberts was fired from WWE this past week. Insider sources say that it was because of a tiff he had with Michael Cole, but I have the REAL SCOOP. Apparently, he was caught with his [PLEASE INSERT FIVE DOLLARS TO READ THE REST OF THIS NEWS ITEM]

- Finally, the WON Hall of Fame tallying has been finished, and, you know what, every year that Head Cheese remains off the ballot is a year this thing is a SHAM.