Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Issue 7

IS Ambrose unhappy because his mom found drugs in his Halloween bag?
Photo Credit:
Well, well, well, it's Wednesday, which means HORB FLERBMINBER is back dishing the scoops right into your faces here on The Wrestling Blog. You won't get scoops like these anywhere on the 'Net because I am the number one, no, scratch that, I AM THE NUMBER ZERO, BETTER THAN ONE SOURCE for all the hottest wrestling news, gossip, rumors, and HIPAA violations. Do you want to know the results of Hulk Hogan's latest colonoscopy before he does? YOU NEED TO BE READING ME EVERY WEEK. I don't have time for haters. I don't have time for jerks who get people of questionable moral fiber to buy followers for them. I DON'T EVEN HAVE TIME FOR MY FAMILY. That's how dedicated to mining scoops I am.

Of course, I can't do this alone. Much like all my colleagues, I need a dedicated army of tipsters who aren't afraid to get their hands dirty and who won't sue me for using their news without giving them any credit whatsoever. If you have long, juicy, scandalous longform tips, shoot me an e-mail at Tipsters who send naked pictures of themselves or of their sexy neighbors will get TOP BILLING. If you need to get to me in an instant, or if you want up to the nanosecond scoops, you must follow me on Twitter @HorbFlerbminber. I have all the breaking news right when it happens, and you get the bonus of me slandering my colleagues in REAL TIME. What ethnic slur will I call Todd Martin next? Will the link I tweet out to Wade Keller be corrupted with malware or not? CAN I MAKE RAJAH QUIT TWITTER ONCE AND FOR ALL? You can only find out by following me. In fact, I am insulted that so few of YOU PEOPLE follow me. What do I have to do, give out free candy on Friday to people who come to my house dressed in costume?

Also, for a small fee, I will go to any sporting event of your choosing and shine laser pointers in the faces of the opposing team. I don't those dinky, pocket-pen pointers that you use to amuse yourself by pointing at the ceiling with a cat in the room. No, these lasers are STAR WARS GRADE, people. They will blind an athlete in an INSTANT. I am available for baseball, football, team tennis, hockey, NASCAR, even collegiate sports. The National Basketball Association may have banned me for life, but I have several fake identities I can use to gain access to your favorite NBA arena. I do ask that if it's for gambling purposes that my fee is increased a small percentage to reflect your winnings.

I also promote customs matches featuring your favorite wrestlers from around the country in anything you want them to wear. Just forward me $400 US to a secret location that I will send to you via smoke signal if you're interested. If you're on the fence, here's Mike O'Lonhurtz from Bonesteel, SD giving a testimonial.
I ordered a match between Candice LeRae and Luscious Latasha with both wearing a bikini and wrestling in a vat of baby oil. The video I got was actually Birth of a Nation with unauthorized commentary from a dude who sounded a lot like Matt Smith from Dr. Who, followed by 45 seconds of two guys mashing the old Galoob WWF wrestling figures against each other in a pot of Mazola corn oil. I got so mad, I joined #GamerGate.
Another satisfied customer.

Also, please be sure to check out of that conference call halfway through and think about what you want for lunch. And now, the scoops.

- The ongoing saga of TNA's search for a television deal has finally come to an end, as they will air on Vape TV. As part of the agreement, each wrestler on the roster must smoke at least one electronic cigarette during the show, and the TNA World Championship is to be replaced by the deed to a vape shop in mid-town Manhattan.

- SMACKDOWN SPOILER: The Dean Ambrose/Cesaro Trick or Street came to an abrupt end when their mothers went through their Halloween candy and found apples with razor blades in them and clear plastic baggies filled with what Mrs. Cesaro could only identify as "the drugs."

- Miss Lippy's car... IS GREEN.

- EXCLUSIVE REPORT: WWE is planning on addressing the Stephanie McMahon/Randy Savage rumors from a long time ago. The official release is to say "Are you fuckers mental?"

- I talked to Monty Brown about what Chris Jericho said about Kofi Kingston backstage, and he said "The fuck you doing, I'm in the middle of trying to sell a car here. Don't bust my nut. DON'T BUST MY NUT."

- Hulk Hogan has been reported as going on backstage about how his divine touch cured all the Susan G. Komen ladies of their breast cancer.

- CM Punk's current mood was thought to be colicky, but it turns out his diaper was full with no one to change it. Colt Cabana was in Japan, and AJ Lee was on the road at the time with WWE. Punk has reportedly been sitting in his own waste for the last three days and is very cranky.

- The feeling backstage on the mood of WWE creative's attitudes towards Adam Rose's heat with the idea that Rusev and Big Show might be able to draw a house show gate as a main event pairing is wait what was I talking about again?

- Ring of Honor's next show will be sponsored by #GamerGate, and all women will be shot on sight.

- Rumors from the WWE boardroom is literally anyone could possibly join John Cena's team at Survivor Series, but almost everyone is a candidate to be on the Authority's team as well. The feeling is that the final fall in the match will either happen via pinfall, submission, countout, disqualification, or referee's stoppage.

- SMACKDOWN SPOILER #2: WWE Divas was found missing from the costume battle royale. As it turns out WWE still thinks Gail Kim works for it, and people in the company are baffled as to why she keeps no-showing events.

- Nevada State Athletic Commission in the year, former UFC fighter Robert Drysdale paused, scholarships steroid test failure was fined 33 percent of other 7/6. They believe that this year in February, he is prohibited TRT in Nevada is well known, it has been described as the construction of the testosterone Drysdale. $ 16,000 in your wallet Drysdale fine of $ 5280. To the Commission in August 2013, but has not been pre-tested in November failed the test of struggle, finally out.

- BREAKING NEWS: Triple H said some things in his in-character interview with Michael Cole that jibe with what his character said on Monday.

- CHIKARA RESULTS FROM RICHMOND: Jub-Jub and Johnny the Guy With A Colorful Mask beat Rooty-Tooty Fresh and Fruity, Dr. Mantis Toboggan and Kizarny went to a time limit draw, Wyld Stallyns beat Dokken in battle of the bands, Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner blew Van Owen's body from there to Johannesburg, Mike Hawk stuck it to Mike Hunt, and in the main event, Daedalus defeated one of those guys from Age of the Fall, uh, Tyler Black? No, he's in WWE. Uh, uh, Necro Butcher. Yeah, he beat Necro Butcher. Everyone got hepatitis afterwards.

- Lucha Underground debuts tonight on El Rey Network, and if you go to your local Del Taco and tell them the secret phrase that will be uttered on the debut show tonight the next day, they'll look at you funny and may even call the cops.

- SMACKDOWN SPOILER #3: Smackdown is bad and you should feel bad if you watch it.

- Apparently, people are still mad about the SHIMMER title switch. It's been two weeks. Nicole Matthews is kinda cool. Get over it.

- WWE posted a look backstage at the tryout they held at the Performance Center on its website yesterday. The tryout happened in September, but the lag time between the tryout and the feature was mostly due to time it took editing every time Bill DeMott threatened to anally violate any trainee during the duration of the event.

Last week's poll results saw that 95% of you hate the polls, and 5% only like them when they talk about Jon "Bones" Jones or other REAL wrestlers. Here's this week's poll:

Ah dammit, it gave me this week's Pole again. Dammit, I'm gonna need to talk to my IT guy.