|YOU NEVER GO FULL MEMPHIS, NICOLE|
Photo Credit: @IchibanDrunk
1. Nicole Matthews (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Matthews unexpectedly won the SHIMMER World Championship this past weekend thanks to a timely fireball to the face of Madison Eagles to get the deciding pin in the four way title match. Matthews has been, no pun intended, on fire this year with her second big title win, as she's also the reigning and defending Elite Canadian Championship Wrestling Champion too. Some say that getting the title with shenanigans is cheap, but I say if you ain't cheatin', you ain't tryin'. Ninjas reign supreme, y'all.
2. Madison Eagles (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Of course, Eagles, a former SHIMMER Champion as well, has a legitimate gripe over being scorched in the face. Then again, being a native of Australia, the fire couldn't have been that much of an obstacle for the Punisher. Grabbing the morning mail is an activity where the average Aussie risks life and limb. Ficus plants are marginally deadly on the Continent Down Under. I'm sure she'll rebound just finely after taking a fireball to the face.
3. Filet Mignon (Last Week: Not Ranked) OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED RANKING - Anyone who says this cut of meat has no flavor has had it prepared wrong for them their whole lives. The king of steaks.
4. Kana (Last Week: 6) - Honestly, Kana is just taking it easy on the Americans and other assorted gaijin, because if she really turned on the jets, she might be leading a dictatorial junta over the Chicagoland area right now. If she comes back to America WrestleMania weekend next year with her captain's hat, then everyone should collectively shit their pants.
5. AJ Lee (Last Week: 3) - Okay, so not every member of the list competed at SHIMMER this weekend. In fact, rumor has it that AJ Lee womped the crap out of Layla not because she preemptively walked out on Lee before she could do the same, but because she wanted a chance to unify the Divas Title with the SHIMMER strap and was denied by upper management. I may have made that up, but I'LL NEVER TELL.
6. Athena (Last Week: Not Ranked) - She beat Cheerleader Melissa twice in one weekend, first getting the pin on her in the elimination match for the title, and again by tapping her out. If that doesn't scream bad-ass, then, well, maybe you are cynical about the worked nature of wrestling which I am sorry for your state of mind and don't begrudge you your jadedness.
7. Paige (Last Week: 2) - Paige is totally jealous that her mom gets to hang out with all the cool rudos while she only gets Alicia Fox. Not that Foxy is a slouch, but she's only one woman. Unless she has multiple personality disorder, which at this point, anything's on the table.
8. Portia Perez (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Sure, she got thrown into a trash can, but she got the last laugh in that she doesn't have to go back to work for TNA now.
9. Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg (Last Week: Not Ranked) - The only thing better than someone selling a shirt with her likeness on it (and her reveling in it) would be if she had a gimmick table at the Supreme Court Building where she sold not only shirts but 8x10 glossies, stickers, patches, and back issues of The Atomic Elbow. Hey, everyone needs a hand.
10. Sara del Rey (Last Week: Not Ranked) - SARA DEL REY FACT: Her campaign to get SHIMMER relocated to Florida so she could wear a moustache and compete under the name Rara sel Dey was shot down, mainly because Dave Prazak just loves Chicago-style deep-dish too much.