Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Dispatches from the Lake: Beards and Besties

Welcome Baxel, Axel
Photo Credit: WWE.com
So, how stupid was it that Curtis Axel was pulled off television while Ryback was out in hindsight? (Ed. Note: He also may have been injured, but I'm not sure)  If you weren’t going to unite them as a tag team, why not use Axel to fill out the thin roster? I can’t be surprised about this crap anymore, but I was pleased and flat out SHOCKED that WWE addressed it later in the show. Continuity isn’t one of the E’s strong points, so when it rears its beautiful head every once and a while, I get a little giddy.

Our two matches this week were Adam Rose against the returning Axel and Jack Swagger taking on Heath Slater. We’re going to do this a little different this week, mostly because I’m bored of saying the same things over and over about these lack luster, by the numbers matches.

Some highlights:

I loved that Axel’s completely forgotten that distraction roll ups were a thing while he was gone.

After Axel lost to a distraction assisted Party Foul, he was chilling in the locker room when who should appear but The Ryback! Apparently, they were separated during a drunken trip to Mexico. So, Axel hadn’t been kept off television. He was sloshed and wandering the Mexican countryside until he found his way home, sporting the sweet beard he’s currently rocking. They came to an accord, saying it was better that they split for now, but they made a bro pact to return at some point because they are BEST FRIENDS. This was awesome. Just seek out this section and watch this.

Why the hell has Slater’s music not been updated? I get that WWE does not give any kind of a fuck about him, but for the love of the flying spaghetti monster, get rid of the Three Man Band music. It just makes me sad.

Also, regarding gentle Heath, all I could think while he was tapping out to the Patriot Lock was how badly I wanted to watch him eke out a win over the Hoss-tastic Swagger. I never knew how badly I want scrappy babyface Slater fighting up from underneath for a victory until this match was over.

The Raw Recaps Strike Again

We’re already well into the next RAW cycle, so I’m not going to spend much time on what happened last week, but I had a few things I wanted to touch on. Firstly, I will never be able to cheer for Vince McMahon. He was and is the epitome of all evil in the Raw universe to me. I get people think he’s a genius, so he gets the ‘yay, you gave us a thing we liked’ cheer. Just not for me. Though, I could get behind senile grandpa Vince, who randomly totters out to yammer on about how his network is only $9.99, throwing out stipulations that screw over his family, and how he wore an onion on his belt, which was the style at the time.

And really, McMahon? No stipulation for John Cena’s team? Why must you always throw out these little crumbs of an eventual heel turn, when it’s never going to happen. You’re doing nothing for the completely implausible, 100% not happening scenario I’ve got running in my head for Survivor Series.

Secondly, why is jealousy the only emotion that WWE gets? Every women’s feud in the last five years has revolved around either they’re nuts or jealous of each other. The Big Show and Mark Henry are currently fighting because of jealousy (at least, they are according to the commentators). Humanity has a rich spectrum of emotions. I understand that this is a wrestling program that feels it has to appeal to the goldfish-like memory of the lowest common denominator, but adding variety to what passes as feuds these days would do nothing but help your product.

Oh, and on a final note, I need Seth Rollins to keep doing Randy Orton’s taunt. That was just outstanding.