Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Issue 8

Graphics via International Object
Well hello again everyone, welcome to yet another week of EXXXCLUSIVE SKOOPZ from me, yours truly, HORB FLERBMINBER. I am the number one source for all news, scoops, rumors, gossip, conjecture, and IRC chat logs from various members of Wreddit. Do you want to know if TheMetsFan was able to download the new Taylor Swift album through Pirate Bay rather than pay money for it? I CAN GIVE YOU THAT INFORMATION. Can Dave Scherer? Probably not! I'll even ROOT THROUGH PEOPLE'S GARBAGE to get information if I have to. Which TNA superstar has been living off Cup O' Noodles and bootleg protein powder? I'll give you a hint, it's Sanada. I have that information and SO MUCH MORE.

As always, I need constant streams of information input into my brain or else I will LITERALLY DIE. You know how those vampires died the True Death on that HBO show, uh, what was it called, oh yeah, John From Cincinnati? Well, if I don't have news to discern and sift through every waking hour of the day, I will die ten times more gruesomely than that. You can help me out by sending me all the hottest tips, rumors, and stolen credit card info to If you can't wait for Wednesday and need all the up to the instant news and takes on Twitter, you can follow me @HorbFlerbminber. Tell all your friends to follow me too. Hell, tell all your enemies to do the same. I CRAVE INTERACTIONS. And I'm also gravely disappointed in the amount of Follow Fridays I have NOT received. PICK UP THE SLACK, YOU FUCKERS.

If you've missed out on prior scoops and news reports, you can order back issues of my newsletter right here from this site. You just need to find the secret url that will take you to the portal where you can order various back issues. I'll give you a hint, the url involves a slash fiction piece between Strangler Lewis and Hornswoggle. I don't have the back issues in order, but I have plenty of copies of each issue, going back to Issue 1 back from January 11, 6,000,000 BBB (before Big Bang), which featured a full rundown of the upcoming Cthulhu vs. Azathoth match for control of the Boundless Void. However, if you get the special mid-year awards issue from 1989, where I award Humanitarian of the Year to Carlos Colon, you get a free milkshake from Arby's.

Also, I am starting a daycare service for wrestlers, wrestling fans, and fellow dirt sheet writers. If you have children, dogs, or goats whom you need either looked after, or in the case of the goats, sacrificed to our Dark Lord, Satan, contact me at this address:
Flerbminber's Lil' Angels Daycare
3599 Cahuenga Blvd W #4
Los Angeles, CA 90068
I will send you a free mailer containing all our rates, especially for blood disposal on the goats. The kids love the blood ritual. Anyway, don't just take my word for it, hear this testimonial from Wigglytuff McDipoleson of Ogden, UT:
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Horb Flerb'minber R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn.
Another satisfied customer.

Also, be sure to check Sidney Crosby into the boards if he's skating to close to the dasher. Gotta rough him up and get in his head if you want to slow him down and get more chances on the other end.

- WWE Network took a huge hit this week when subscriber numbers were not up to snuff, retention rates were lower than expected, and the launch in the United Kingdom was scuttled at the last minute thanks to suspected blockage from Sky Sports. Internet commentators responded to the news with smug taunts like they all had a masters in business administration from the Wharton School, while WWE's reply was offer the Network for free in November all while shoving even more annoying hash tags and catchphrases down people's throats. In an unrelated note, cyanide consumption among wrestling fans on Twitter has risen 600% in the last week.

- CM Punk is currently aggravated.

- Randy Orton is expected to miss Survivor Series in his hometown of St. Louis. He apparently double booked a charity supper at the local 4H Club, and his mother is still really ticked off at him the last time he blew the organization off.

- Daniel Bryan's career is in serious Jeopardy right now, and depending on where you live, in a half-hour, it'll either be in serious Wheel of Fortune, or it will go straight into the ABC prime-time schedule.

- Tonight, on TNA Impact, the same matches you'll see at PROGRESS Wrestling, Pro Wrestling Guerrilla, and EVOLVE in six months after the company closes up shop, and probably better, too.

- Gabe Sapolsky is currently running a group trip to his EVOLVE China tour so he can find a way to blame poor crowd reactions on asshole Philadelphia wrestling fans.

- I asked SD Jones whether he thinks Lucha Underground can be a sustainable entity, but apparently he's been dead for six years.

- Jim Ross blogged on RAW from Monday, and as you'd expect, he still kissed WWE's ass like he needed a paycheck. Curiously enough, he found a way to devote an entire paragraph to Ring of Honor needing to slow down and use more psychology.

- Huge news from Global Force Wrestling, as it has officially announced that it will be broadcasting New Japan Pro Wrestling's WrestleKingdom 9 as its first branded pay-per-view event. The telecast will be available in both English and Japanese language commentary, and the main event will feature a main event featuring the timeless contest of Hiroshi Tanahashi vs. Kazuchika Okada. The biggest stumbling block to this, however, is that now everyone has to consider Jeff Jarrett a positive influence on the wrestling community for bringing, hands down, the greatest wrestling promotion in the history of mankind to America. Several commentators are confused, and are expecting the telecast to show old WCW pay-per-views instead, because no one is ready for Jarrett to be behind something so gloriously perfect.

- For posterity, Todd Martin still owes me $5. I will not say why.

- Mike Tenay has garnered a second job writing about the Los Angeles Kings for the team's website. He currently is writing, asking people if that is indeed Mike Richards here at the Staples Center every time he comes out for a shift.

- Invicta FC, Invicta FC 9, Davenport, Iowa RiverCenter night of 9 to midnight Eastern Time War ucf. The first card is part of the Kansas City area. All the progress that appears on the wall of Jeremiah. "And no name because it is, especially the Week ucf 179 is progress of some sort that has been promised a big announcement, and they ucf night Week will be issued.

Invicta FC Flyweight Champion sorc Honchak Takayo Hashi, better co Strawweight crepusculo Inoue Karolina Kowalkiewicz defendant is the headliner. Distribution is one of the best solution Inoue, ucf fight that saw the first type, when Bec Rawlings about the decision. It is possible that you'll end up with ucf, but he did not speak English, which is often the last fighter that there is not one, TUF Strawweight signed at a distance.

- SMACKDOWN SPOILERS: If you watch this Friday, I hope you get a boil.

- BREAKING NEWS: CM Punk's mood has been upgraded from "aggravated" to "slightly perturbed."

- Rumors were swirling Monday as Vince McMahon made his return to WWE programming. Many speculated on what the thoughts of the mood were backstage about this being the springboard of McMahon possibly feuding with someone who is not named Vince McMahon going into WrestleMania. All signs point to the creative team either possibly having an idea or not, but my inside source says that it's all a big rib on Renee Young for not wearing shoes.

- Are you gonna eat that stapler? Wanna split it?

- Shane Douglas' latest attempt at an Extreme Reunion was scuttled when he couldn't get out of the late shift on Black Friday at his South Philadelphia Target store.

- Last week's poll results are in. Looks like 51% of you think Cesaro is being punished because he spoke out against John Cena and Randy Orton, 22% think he's being punished for shaving his head but not his beard, 17% think he's being punished because Vince McMahon is a sadist, and 10% believe it's all a rib on Renee Young for not wearing shoes. This week's poll: