Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Issue 9

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SUP, FOOLS. Horb Flerbminber IS BACK with another edition of Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ here on this two-bit site for jabronis and people who think Prince Devitt is a terrorist. HOW RUDE. Anyway, I have all the news and rumors that are READY TO BE CRAMMED INTO YOUR MINDHOLE. You had better come at me with an empty mind, because I am going to fill it up with all the hottest SCOOPS, GOSSIP, and ITEMIZED INSURANCE CLAIMS from wrestlers whose homes were damaged in various tropical storms. What did Alexa Bliss claim her patio furniture was worth? YOU'LL ONLY FIND OUT FROM ME, HORB, AND NO ONE ELSE. Not even God himself or various dirtsheet writers who CLAIM they're God like Mike Johnson can bring you the nitty-gritty. NOT A CHANCE.

Anyway, while I work so hard mining the scoops for you and your loved ones, I can't do it alone. I need primary sources from whom I can plagiarize, uh, I mean credit. Yeah, that's the ticket. If you have any leads or any offers on the metal lead that I can give to my alchemist to turn into gold, send them to me at my e-mail address Also, if your name is Hjywjaz Kljumlijab, please e-mail me back. I tried replying to you about your offer to make my penis longer than the Eiffel Tower is tall, but your correspondence seems to have gone flat. DADDY NEEDS A ROCK HARD COCK. If you need to get my UP TO THE FEMTOSECOND NEWS, then you need to follow me on Twitter, @HorbFlerbminber. Which wrestling personality will I fluster into an obscene Twitter rant this week? If you said Sexy Star, YOU MIGHT BE RIGHT.

If you want back issues of my newsletter, please fuck off and die. Oh, I'm sorry, that came out wrong. If you would like back issues of the newsletter, send a self-addressed stamped envelope to my post office box, which you can get by going to this URL. The digital list was wiped out thanks to a VIRUS that was sent to me by Rajah. Apparently, he was trying to get back at me for attempting to have him handed over to House Bolton to collect on a bounty placed on his head for supporting the Starks. Look, I'm not saying being flayed is pleasant, but it's not as bad as depriving my readers of THE SCOOPZ I broke back in the day.

Also, I am currently recuperating at Weiss Memorial Hospital in Chicago, IL after I was BRUTALLY assaulted by CM Punk. Apparently, he didn't like me breaking and entering into his house to steal his day planner so I could get all the BREAKING NEWS about his social life, which is the next wave in DIRTSHEET JOURNALISM. If you're not reporting on where Punk is buying his disposable razor blades or what viewing of Interstellar he's going to see on Thursday, then YOU'RE NOT REPORTING THE REAL SCOOPS. Anyway, I have no health insurance, and the treatments for my broken jaw are going to end up costing me an arm and a leg, LITERALLY, if I can't pay. The doctors at this hospital are ruthless. I think they may be on Obama's DEATH PANELS. Obamacare my ass. Anyway, send me all the money you can spare right away so I can pay my bills and afford solid food again when the wiring comes out of my jaw.

Also, I'm selling artifacts from the TRUE CROSS on the side. Are you a devout Christian? Do you want to have the most sacred relic this side of the Holy Grail? Then HAVE I GOT A DEAL FOR YOU. You can buy shards of the True Cross IN BULK. You can get a pound of artifacts for the low price of $200, or you can get a bulk discount of $10 off every increase of 100 lbs. But don't take it from me, listen to this testimonial from Artis St. Swivens from Fon du Lac, WI:
Did you take a shit in that bag and light it on fire on my front porch?
See, another satified customer.

Also, be sure to check your batteries in your smoke detector. Fresh batteries save lives, people.

- The big news of the week is undoubtedly Global Force Wrestling announcing that Jim Ross will call the action for the English language broadcast of New Japan Pro Wrestling's WrestleKingdom 9. Ross is reputedly already looking forward to telling fans in person that the Young Bucks, reDRagon, and Time Splitters should really be slowing down in there and using more psychology when he announces the IWGP Jr. Heavyweight Tag Team Championship Match.

- Jeff Jarrett also issued a separate press release that just said in 72 point Impact font "DID YOU KNOW THAT JEFF JARRETT IS IN THE BULLET CLUB?"

- Most of the card for the four-plus hour event was also released, and let me tell you, if you're not looking forward to this show, you're a monster. An absolute disgrace of a wrestling fan. I spit in your eye if you dare criticize New Japan Pro Wrestling.

- In WWE news, Vince McMahon at the Smackdown tapings yesterday berated the crowd for not cheering or booing loud enough and implored them to have some fun. This was a last minute rewrite, as the script originally called for McMahon to come out, drop trou, and swing a WWE Network flag from his penis, saying "FUCK YOU, YOU WANT THIS? YOU WANT THIS? YOU CAN'T HAVE IT."

- Developers have announced that WWE 2K15's roster will only contain John Cena and Randy Orton, as all the other features have been gutted so that the graphic designers could get every rippling muscle and tattoo detail down pat.

- Liverpool fans came under fire for chanting for "JBL" on Monday night, but my sources say that right before RAW came back from commercial, Vince McMahon came out and asked the crowd "Which member of the roster would you like to see drawn, quartered, and fed to the hounds?"

- Despite not having any shows in the can for 2015 yet, TNA officials have promised a new and improved television product in 2015. The script for the first 2015 show, written by @Seinfeld2000, has been leaked EXCLUSIVELY to me:
wat if the mane event of the show was sunny siaki vs aj styles for the title?

imagen TNA today
- Pro Wrestling Guerrilla is in dire straits right now, as both Ring of Honor and EVOLVE/Dragon Gate USA talent could be unavailable for booking as early as its first show in 2015. Sources say that Candice LeRae has suggested bringing in more women, to which Super Dragon said "AHAHAHAHAHAHAA yeah right. Hey Joey, you and Candice are jobbing at the next show to me and Rob Terry. Someone get me Rob Terry's phone number."

- Paul Heyman recently has taken to Twitter to rebut accusations that his poor financial planning and possible fraud submarined ECW. In an unrelated note, this week marks the 15th anniversary of the last time one of his ECW paychecks cleared at a bank.

- Chael Sonnen surprised analysts on the ESPN sports cable networks in the past ... and it's about MMA Šogad.Paziņojumā testosterone replacement therapy, I have no way to follow the news conference. he was admitted to the United States, you must remember that the weekend is UFC 180 ESPN, "We created an analyst UFC Gilbert Melendez." I understand that it is a long term contract. Melendez looks at UFC 168 ESPN as an analyst for Fox Sports 1 in the program is ... m.

- Lucha Underground's third episode is tonight, which means you should expect the peanut gallery to blow up your Twitter timeline over arguments about intergender wrestling for a third straight week.

- Time to haul ass to Lollapalooza.

- I interviewed Paul Roma the other day. I asked him what it feels like to be considered a worse Horseman that the guy who killed his family, and he walked out of the room sobbing. How unprofessional.

- CM Punk is disillusioned this week.

- The original script to the Smackdown Halloween show was sent to me by my anonymous tipster within WWE, and originally, it called for Cesaro to show up to his match with Dean Ambrose wearing a bed sheet ghost costume and dump out his Halloween bag in the middle of the ring which would be filled with rocks. The callback to the Charlie Brown Halloween special was scrapped because kids might not have gotten it, and because they were afraid Ambrose would bludgeon Cesaro to death with the rocks in an attempt to curry favor with Vince McMahon.

- Alberto del Rio and WWE came to a joint agreement. The former party agreed not to disparage his ex-employers in public, while WWE promised that it would limit racism in the company only to office members over the age of 68.

- Expect Big E's "A New Day" vignette to drop on the next Monday Night RAW, the group to debut at Survivor Series, and for it to be relegated to Superstars and the opening match of Main Event by mid-December at the absolute latest.

- Saraya Knight will miss 6-8 months of action after taking a selfie with Jack Swagger earlier this morning. Swagger's camera phone exploded and shards of debris were lodged in Knight's right eye and lung. She was quoted as saying "At least the bugger didn't give me a concussion by bootin' me in me noggin."

- Samoa Joe will wrestle Chris Hero for Jersey All-Pro Wrestling this weekend. When asked why he decided to make the appearance, Joe said "I guess I have a thing for companies that might not be active around this time next year."

- Gabe Sapolsky's WWN Live tour of China is drawing well according to reports. So far, the shows have already outdrawn three times every other show EVOLVE has ever run in its history.

- Last week's poll results: 72% of you said that TNA would be closed before the end of this year, 20% said it would last through Lockdown '15, and 8% said you would fund a Kickstarter to make sure TNA never ran a single show ever again. This week's poll: