Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Issue 10

Where will Brock Lesnar go in 2015?
Photo Credit:
HORB FLERBMINBER here with your weekly jackpot of NEWS, RUMORS, SPECULATION, and PROMOTER HAGIOGRAPHY. It's a jackpot because my reporting and takes are always GOLDEN. In fact, my opinions are so HOT HOT HOT they melt steel, unlike the temperature at which jet fuel burns. At least that's what Jesse "The Body" Ventura told me during our sitdown interview that I will have EXCLUSIVELY for you on February 30 next year. Anyway, I bring you the news that is the most pertinent and IMPORTANT. In fact, I report on the stories that the other DIRT SHEET WRITERS are afraid to tell you about. For example, how many nipples does Vince McMahon REALLY have, and who financed the secret operation to get 50% of them removed. The answer may shock you.

If you are a source who doesn't mind giving me top information without any hint of credit, you can e-mail me your leads, gossip, and lentil soup recipes at If you do send me a recipe for lentil soup, please also let me know of the best place where I can get Bean-O in bulk. Lentils give me terrible gas, and they always alert stakeout subjects of my presence. I have a distinctive musk. Also, if you want to keep up with my UP TO THE INSTANT SCOOPS AND NEWS, you need to be following me on Twitter, @HorbFlerbminber. You'll never know when I come out with a prescient news update or new ways to slander Bryan Alvarez. What will I call him next week, and will it be related to his fetish for cephalopod-on-marionette action? FOLLOW ME TO FIND OUT.

You can get the entire catalog of back issues of the newsletter if you want, but why would you just want back issues when you could have BABY GOT BACK issues? That's right, you can get all the special editions of the newsletter that focused on wrestler asses, from the first double issue which covered BOTH of Gorgeous George's cheeks to the current one from last year, in which orchestrated gang warfare among fans of posteriors in the wrestling business over whose was best. Spoiler alert, Drew Gulak's fans won in grisly fashion after they made Allysin Kay's camp capitulate with... well, I don't think I want to describe that action for free.

I am also a licensed distributor of anabolic steroids by the Republic of Malawi, made from only the finest synthetic chemicals and a blend of testosterones from at least five different animals. Have you ever wanted to gain muscle mass while using hormones culled from a hippopotamus? Well, HAVE I GOT A DEAL FOR YOU. If you buy a year's worth of steroids from me, I will throw in the flight to Malawi for half price. YOU CAN'T SPIT AT A BETTER DEAL THAN THAT. Plus, Malawi is where Madonna adopted one of her kids, so you could always check out one of the orphanages while you're here.

Also, I've broken into the amateur chiropractor game. Do you have cricks in your back that you can't get rid of? Is your neck stiffer than my penis was looking at the Pam Poovey parody of the Kim Kardashian magazine cover? Do you have JOINT pain that isn't related to hanging out with Rob van Dam? Then call my toll free number to set up an appointment. I'll finagle you back into shape. Take it from Anna Falaksis from Indian Head, MD:
I called Horb for treatment on my sore back from a car accident I had two months ago. He just started punching it, feebly, I might add, before just standing up on a stool and shouting "THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU." After 15 minutes, he passed out, so I stole his wallet and went to a real chiropractor.
Another satisfied customer.

Also, please go to sleep.

- TNA finally announced that it will make its new television home on the Destination America network. Sources say "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA."

- UFC head Dana White says Brock Lesnar will probably headline a UFC event in 2015. Sources say he was impressed by Lesnar's performance at SummerSlam against John Cena, but also is taking extra precautions at keeping Seth Rollins from entering the arena.

- White caught criticism for his desires to sign Lesnar given his last two fights ending in unceremonious losses. White replied, "Eh, I've always wanted to see what would happen if a guy died in the Octagon."

- CM Punk is currently flummoxed.

- WWE and Warner Bros. signed a distribution deal for home video and pay-per-view. The deal is contingent on Bugs Bunny passing a physical so that he can headline WrestleMania against Brock Lesnar.

- AJ Lee's contract was placed in a box with a lit candle and then sealed. No one knows whether the contract is on fire or not, signifying how unsure her status with the company is.

- His name was Robert Paulsen.

- In honor of International Men's Day, several wrestling fans will tweet or mention LOUDLY to other people in the room how unbelievable and unrealistic the intergender wrestling on Lucha Underground is when it airs tonight.

- WWE 2K15 was released this week, although everyone I know who bought it reported it was just a literal turd in a box.

- Warrior and a chapter on the change in the UK last night. 5 *. MMA, in general is more for show, they got rid of the individual components 2/27 (United Kingdom emerged as the symbol of the four fighters statement to set the show ring, and the British invasion, dissemination and publication of the series), and the liberalization of broadcasting the entire debt, including Melvin Manhoef drum parts, most. However, things in place to fight from the air in the United States for the release of the three previous games, I think they will want to know nothing about the problem.

- Alberto del Rio has stated publicly that he plans on working for TNA in 2015. Sources say he hasn't given Dixie Carter his salary demands yet, so it is expected that del Rio will change his mind sometime before 2015 is over.

- Last week's poll results: 43% of you are trill, 37% are phat, 14% are cool, and 6% have no idea what I'm talking about.