Monday, November 3, 2014

The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings, November 3

Heidi rulz!
Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein
Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. Heidi Lovelace (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Lovelace finally got a tapout victory at the end of a Chikara-affiliated event with the Chikara Special by winning the Young Lions Cup eliminator Saturday. She celebrated by looking around and going "Really? No one's gonna come out and beat the poop out of me?"

2. Paige (Last Week: 1) - Not only did she wail on Alicia Fox so hard that even noted pervert Jerry Lawler came to someone's aid without the intention of hitting on them, she went onto perfectly imitate her former NXT rival via Halloween costume.

3. Kimber Lee (Last Week: Not Ranked) - She may not have been victorious on Saturday, but at least she didn't have to abdicate her crown as Princess of Wrestling Is Fun! I wonder who'd take the crown if she did. Would Lovelace have had to taken it by default? Would Sara del Rey come back? WOULD DAIZEE HAZE RETURN FROM THE AETHER? Thankfully, that question of succession never had to be asked.

4. Mark Henry (Last Week: 9) - He slammed Big Show so hard that he thought he was still Andre the Giant's son.

5. AJ Lee (Last Week: 2) - Only Lee could wear a tank top that said "Boo!" as a Halloween costume and make it work.

6. Dean Ambrose (Last Week: 3) - I had to dock him a few points for not pouring nutmeg and cinnamon on Cesaro after he put the pumpkin on his head as a shoot on white people, but hey, you get what you get.

7. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups (Last Week: Not Ranked) OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - If you're lucky, your kids brought home enough of these for you to indulge without taking their best haul. Seriously, nothing beats a good Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, and I will continue to say that until I START GETTING SWEET SPONSORSHIP CASH FROM THEM PLEASE GIVE IT TO ME I SWEAR I WILL PLUG THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR PRODUCT.

8. Lauren Hill (Last Week: Not Ranked) - The terminally ill cancer patient scored the first points of the NCAA basketball season this weekend in an inspirational story. She has an inoperable brain tumor, yet she still was able to take the floor for her Mt. St. Joseph's team this past weekend. Cancer sucks, but it doesn't suck so much that it can keep those it afflicts from realizing some portion of their dreams. Fuck cancer. Let's end that shit in my lifetime.

9. Jeremy Maclin (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Questions surrounded Maclin in training camp as to whether he'd be needed by the Eagles this year, and he responded only by being the single least-coverable receiver in the NFL. In fact, I think he's still wide open streaking towards the end zone. Nick Foles? Mark Sanchez? IT'S IRRELEVANT. Maclin's still catching everything that comes near him.

10. Sara del Rey (Last Week: 10) - SARA DEL REY FACT: In lieu of candy, del Rey koppo kicked anyone who gave out apples or something decidedly not candy on Halloween in her neighborhood.