Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Best Coast Bias: Inexplicable, That's What You Are

Sir, don't you employ a stunt double for moments like this?
Photo Credit:
Here today, gone today; at this point, the Miz has gone so far Hollywood that he doesn't have beef, he has tofu.

Well, that's the charitable way to look at the events of the main event of Main Event. The other is "this is some pretty incompetent booking", which as we all know especially given prior events in the week of 2014 WWE is impossible.

To his credit, Jimmy Uso said he was going to kick the Miz's ass for sidling up to his wife and then spent the better part of the final two segments of the show doing just that while (well, mostly) eschewing his normal offense in lieu of punching, punching, and more punching to the guy most notorious for his Tyler Breeze "not the face" cosplay. This is not a corner where a man sticking up for his wife, backing up his words and winning is usually something that's met with confusion and fifty-yard stares. But to quote celebrated comedian Herschel Krustofsky, what the hell was that? Let's see if we have the time line right:

Monday: Usos win #1 contendership ¤ Miz offers Naomi a card to put her in touch with some agents ¤ Jimmy comes up and slaps Mizanin like he owes him 10% with a pretty unambiguous follow-up, "Stay away from my wife!"

Tuesday: Backstage before the match Jimmy tells Tom Phillips that the previous night was a warning shot and he's going to kick Miz's ass (direct quote, noted due to the use of rare profanity, especially for the Tuesday D-E-F-G-whatever this is show) ¤ comes out angry despite changing almost nothing in his pre-match routine while Miz is completely more subdued in his ¤ proceeds to more or less punch his way to victory so emphatically the Miz was almost seen carrying Alex Riley's bags

The whole thing went down in a Jack Bauer! This, apparently, is how they're building to the tag team title match in a fortnight, with the babyface already having decisively defended the honor of his wife (don't even ask how Miz could be misconstrued since any cursory glance at social media reveals his marriage to Maryse whether Stamford wants to acknowledge it or not - you don't leave French-Canadian bikini models, French-Canadian bikini models leave you) by harnessing his anger enough to take him to another level and not cost him the match; to, in fact, win it cleanly with his signature move dead center ring. And on the off chance you were wondering if maybe this is leading to Sandow taking the beating coming to Miz, not only didn't it happen during the match or afterwards, but he took a splash from Jey the same time Jimmy was ending the match with his just in case the earth wasn't salted enough. In the immortal word of Vincent Kennedy McMahon, millennials. Or something. But they don't have the belts, which is important because, uh...well, it's not like they've spent this entire time on Total Divas establishing the tightness and inseparable bond between Naomi and Ji...yeah, we're sticking with what the hell was that?

The second most inexplicable thing about the show was Jack Swagger, White Savior: Shame Of A Nation using his homestate crowd and a win over Titus O'Neil to kick off the show by saying Rusev was fit for neither country nor title and after the events of Monday night he was going to go full throttle to capture the championship. Firstly, old racists getting beaten up for the horrible things they've said needs to happen more often. Secondly, Biff Tannen, you've lost to him clean. It was like three months ago at the second-biggest show of the year. Remember that, or should you drop $10 a month so you can review it? Someone want to explain how someone known for injuring wrestlers and racking up DUIs during the biggest push of their career while their ex-partner's career proceeds to flatline thanks to the closest real-life equivalent of C. Montgomery Burns having millions at his disposal without somehow the necessary dimes to rub together and get a clue? Anybody at all? You can use this as proof you belong when you go in for your MENSA membership.

Third most inexplicable was Adam Rose and the Bunny acting like Monday night never happened (a reverse Uso, we call that) before losing cleanly to the Dust Brothers without any shenanigans. Fourth most inexplicable was the new and improved same old finisher from Fandango. So Bray Wyatt can't beat R-Truth but...well, that's probably fifth most inexplicable and do you smell toast?

This episode of Main Event should've been brought to you by a major aspirin company. Lord knows anybody who watched this and this wasn't their first wrestling show ever probably took chased a couple pills with some water, vodka or absinthe after having to think about it for consecutive seconds. After that hour it's not just Jimmy and Jey; mama, we're all crazy now.