Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Issue 11

McMahon. Punk. WHO YA GOT?
Photo Credit:
HORB FLERBMINBER is back from the Thanksgiving break to shake off the tryptophan and give you the SCOOPS. I give you news SCOOPS, rumor SCOOPS, and even ICE CREAM SCOOPS. Do you want a breaking story about Eric Young's fishing show being used to film an angle with the BroMans with a side of rum raisin? THEN uh, well, you haven't come to the right place, because I am prohibited from selling anything alcohol-related after that incident where the mayor's son got alcohol poisoning. But I do have a really tasty peanut butter ripple.

Now, I mine the news for you non-stop, but I can't get all the scoops myself. I NEED HELP, and I need you to be okay with not getting any credit for it. You can send me those tips, rumors, and Dropbox links to the complete series of Cop Rock or Manimal, please send them to my e-mail address at Also, if you want up to the second scoops on things that haven't even happened yet, follow my Twitter, @HorbFlerbminber. I utilize TACHYONS to get you news from the future. When will TNA go out of business? Which fired WWE superstar will come back to Titan Towers to murder John Cena a la Lee Iacocca from the Watchmen movie? WHEN WILL RENEE YOUNG FINALLY LIFT HER RESTRAINING ORDER ON @MaskedLutefisk? Follow me to find out.

You can also pick up back issues of the newsletter. In fact, I am running a sale for Christmas. If you buy three back issues of the Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ newsletter, you get a free credit card receipt signed by your favorite wrestling superstar. Each extra back issue you order increases the value of the name on the receipt. Order five back issues? You get Justin Gabriel on a Home Goods receipt. 20 issues? Honky Tonk Man at Golden Corral. 200? Well, I'll be ambitious enough to give you a signed Vince McMahon receipt from Morton's Steakhouse. SCORE.

Also, I'm a licensed Avon Lady right now under my nom de plume Ani de Hotscoops. I sell all the makeup, including concealer, eyeliner, and even guyliner. I AM PROGRESSIVE. Just check out this testimonial from Janie Goddagun from Ogden, UT:
Miss de Hotscoops promised me eyeliner, but when my order came in, I only found baked beans and a smelly kneepad. The beans were good at least.
See, another satisfied customer.

Finally, check the pH level in your pool before you close it.

- The big news from the last week was the landmark CM Punk appearance on the Art of Wrestling. I have an exclusive scoop about the proceedings. Colt Cabana got the interview because apparently, he is a lifelong friend of Punk's. YOU WON'T GET THIS INFORMATION ANYWHERE ELSE.

- Punk wanted to change his gear to a MMA-styled trunk-set with advertising space, but Vince McMahon rejected it because it was TOO REAL for him. McMahon thinks REAL WRESTLING is barbaric, apparently.

- Punk also once passed a concussion test while listening to music on his headphones and texting with Cabana, which confirms that WWE's concussion protocol is several grades more stringent than the NFL's.

- Punk accused Ryback of working too stiff and "taking 20 years off his life," to which Ryback replied "Punk had it coming to him. He took me to a Panera Bread while we were on the road without me knowing until we got there."

- Triple H served Punk his termination papers on his wedding day. To add insult to injury, the papers were styled as a wedding gift, packaged in a white box with ivory trim and a mother-of-pearl bow.

- Punk was treated for a cyst in his back by a WWE staff doctor, which a second opinion from an outside physician noted was caused by a staph infection. In the defense of the WWE doctor, he was only an intern from the Hollywood Upstairs Medical School, as the chief physician was sleeping one off after a night out with Ric Flair the night before. He hadn't gotten to staph infections yet, and had only learned how to forge prescriptions, shoot up ailing wrestlers with cortisone shots, and how to humanely put a wrestler down if his leg had broken.

- One of the final straws in Punk's relationship with WWE was him not being allowed to walk Chael Sonnen to the ring for his REAL WRESTLING FIGHT. In an unrelated note, I am looking into an INAPPROPRIATE relationship between the two. Punk has had it out for me ever since I spiked his Diet Pepsi with grain alcohol in an attempt to loosen his lips to give me some DIRTY DETAILS on WWE wrestlers. I WAS DOING DUE JOURNALISTIC DILIGENCE. Did Punk tell Sonnen to throw his last fight, the one where I lost all my money? All the evidence points to know, but I say YES.

- I'm also hearing from SOURCES PLACED WITHIN THE COMPANY that the CM Punk/Vince McMahon wrestling match from 10/8/12 was a SHOOT FIGHT that was meant to alleviate tensions between the two. It only was a temporary stopgap, however, as Punk got even madder when his pay was garnished for McMahon's medical bills and for a power lunch at Morton's Steakhouse.

- Punk will also appear on this week's Art of Wrestling, where he will answer listener-submitted questions. If they take a question about Punk's involvement in Benghazi and its subsequent coverup, then you will all know my question was accepted.

- McMahon also appeared on a live edition of the Steve Austin Podcast on the WWE Network. I am reporting this as CONFIRMATION that CM Punk vs. Steve Austin with Mr. McMahon as the guest referee will take place at WrestleMania XXXI.

- McMahon apologized to Punk for his termination papers arriving on his wedding day. "Linda and I wanted to buy him and Ms. Lee the 1000 thread count Egyptian cotton bed set, to be honest."

- McMahon remains hopeful that Punk will cool off and that the two sides can work together in the future. McMahon then asked Austin if that was good enough to lead his new standup comedy set.

- McMahon also stated that no one on the roster has any ambition, and that the only person to reach for the brass ring since the Attitude Era was John Cena. The brass ring was located in the Temple of Yggdrasil on top of the Pedestal of Indeterminate Height in the heart of the Lost Kingdom of Lemuria. As it turned out, just being really good at wrestling isn't being ambitious enough.

- Cena defended McMahon's controversial statements on Twitter by telling his fellow coworkers to work harder. Also, he's announced that he's dumping Nikki Bella to pursue a relationship with McMahon's anus.

- McMahon also recounted the story of when he shoved Dusty Rhodes into his pool. Rhodes blames the incident for his sperm becoming waterlogged and causing both sons Dustin and Cody to be so goddamn weird.

- Austin asked McMahon why Cesaro is floundering, and McMahon said it was probably because he was Swiss. He went onto add "See, the Swiss are born without personalities in exchange for superior genetics that allow them to guard the Pope in the Vatican."

- Austin asked if Randy Savage would ever be inducted into the Hall of Fame, and McMahon responded that he'd consider it if Savage ever personally apologized for going to WCW. When Austin informed him that Savage died three years ago, McMahon said, "Wait, Randy's DEAD? WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME?"

- McMahon swore he wasn't out of touch. I believe him.

- McMahon called Brock Lesnar a "special attraction" who doesn't need to be used much at all, like his offshore, tax-sheltered bank account which he hasn't withdrawn a dime from since 1988.

- McMahon gave an update on the whereabouts of his son Shane during the podcast. "He says he's in Japan, but he's actually in Italy. We're just billing him as working in an Asian country."

- In other news, Kurt Angle announced on the Vince Russo podcast that he'll be returning to TNA. Apparently, drugs mess with your sense of timing too.

- NJPW World was launched this week for the low price of ¥999. The company placed banner ads on, which upped the number of worthwhile things to be found on the Worldwide Leader's website to one.

- A warrant was put out for Heath Slater's arrest from an incident that took place during WrestleMania XXVII weekend. In case you were wondering, even if you're WWE enhancement talent, you still get put on the celebrity indictment schedule.

- From Sports Illustrated site, Chael Sonnen joined ESPN as an interesting debate. Deadspin things mean nothing, but not enough to put an end to the recruitment of hit songs Sonnen environment ESPN.

- Poll results! Last week, 55% of you liked mashed potatoes as your favorite Thanksgiving side, 31% liked stuffing, 10% preferred green bean casserole, and 4% liked Jado's and Gedo's ballsacs. THIS WEEK!