Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Issue 12

More Punk than you can handle!
Photo Credit:
Well, well, well, if it isn't HORB FLERBMINBER back for more hot NEWS, GOSSIP, and INTERCEPTED TEXT MESSAGES FROM WRESTLING SUPERSTARS LIKE SIMON DEAN AND ARACHNOMAN. Some people have tried to discredit me. Some have said I have no self-awareness. Others have been attempting to OWN ME ON TWITTER. All of that is impossible. I am the Internet's ONLY unadulterated source of hot news, supplemented with only the reddest, most scorching TAKES on planet Earth. In fact, my takes are hotter than the surface of the Sun. YOU NEED TO WEAR PROTECTIVE CLOTHING WHEN READING MY WORK.

Speaking of Twitter, you can find all my up to the instant SCOOPS and RUMORS by following me @HorbFlerbminber. Which Internet rando will jump all up into my Kool-Aid next? What colleague of mine will I threaten with exposing their history of pooping on the floor in college? HOW MANY DICK PICS WILL I POST BEFORE I GET BANNED FOR VIOLATING THE TERMS OF SERVICE? You can't know unless you follow me. Also, if you have any scoops that you don't mind allowing me to report with no credit whatsoever, you can send me an e-mail at Also, please send me bank notifications in Polish. I love getting those, if just for the fun of figuring out how to pronounce everything.

You can get back issues of my newsletter by sending a self-addressed, stamped envelope STRAIGHT TO HELL. I'm currently out of my most popular issue, which is the January 18, 2001 episode where I included a free chip from Sid's broken leg bone with every copy, but I hear if you send me $20,000, I'll go collect more bone chips from Sid and start mailing out new printings. Also, with the purchase of five back issues, I'll include a free copy of the 2008 Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ Almanac, which is really just a stolen copy of the manuscript of Dan Brown's Angels and Demons, where he left in all the antisemitism and gratuitous sex scenes.

I've also sponsored Rod Nutpunch's new mixed-martial arts academy, the Groin Strike REAL WRESTLING School. On Fridays and every third Monday, I am a guest instructor there as well. I bet you didn't know ol' Horby could throw down in the Octagon, did you? But why take it from me, when you can get a testimonial from Mack Ellis of Muncie, IN:
Remember that episode of The Simpsons where Bart was just kicking his legs out and said to Lisa that if she got kicked it was all her own fault? That's what Horb's 90 minute training session was all about. I thought I got ripped off, but then that strategy actually worked at my next MMA fight. Who knew?
Another satisfied customer.

Also, somebody check my brain.

- The biggest, HUGEST news of the week is that CM Punk is coming out of retirement to try REAL WRESTLING. He signed with UFC and will be making his debut in 2015. Sources say that his first fight will be a rematch against Brock Lesnar, while others are skeptical that UFC would put Punk into such a dangerous match in his first time in the Octagon. Remember, he needed steel chairs to come close to defeating Lesnar at SummerSlam '13, and my friends, chairs are illegal in UFC.

- I tried to get Joe Rogan's opinion on the signing, but he was whacked out of his mind on DMT, rambling about how women are using chemtrails to weaken men or something.

- Johny Hendricks Oliver Kopp Robbie Lawler took a 5-0 in a subsequent pit. My only real regret is, Josh Eason sempervivi Mike, Todd Martin, John Pollock, with downy Enns Mike Sawyer, Lance Storm and Steve curse went to 4-1. Frontrow Brian went 3-2, story of punk is what broke it is really all night.

- Dana White came under fire for the Punk signing, noting his "12 or 13 concussions" he suffered during his wrestling career. White, however, replied that he gets all his fighters the top care from the North Hills Veterinary Clinic in Reno a week before every fight.

- Leonardo DiCaprio went home with 20 women the other night in Miami. What does this have to do with wrestling or CM Punk? Well, Punk saw the news and was quoted that he's planning on breaking that record by taking home the entire UFC women's roster.

- What does Punk's UFC career spell for AJ Lee's tenure in WWE? For one, it allows me to reuse several headlines about whether Lee is finally going to leave the company.

- CM Punk also thanked everyone who made his FAKE wrestling career a success while adding that if they saw him on the street to avert their eyes and pretend he's a deity whose mere sight would hurt their eyes into blindness.

- Vince McMahon is currently furious at Punk, not because he rebuffed McMahon's apology, but because he finally wore a suit for a UFC appearance while never dressing up like that during his tenure in WWE.

- Todd Martin is already writing an angry screed directed at WWE as to why the company couldn't draw a million viewers for Punk's return to pay-per-view when he's done with MMA.

- Why aren't more people calling Punk a hypocrite over the timing of his signing with UFC? He framed McMahon's apology as a publicity stunt, but doesn't this announcement come across as THE SAME EXACT THING? Except for the fact that McMahon could buy and sell Punk a billion times, has his own Network and several hours of television which to disseminate his message, and controls a longer window from which he can profit from WWE than Punk can for his own body, these announcements are identical.

- Evan Bourne is looking for tickets to Punk's first fight. Idiot, the bout hasn't even been announced yet, let alone tickets that are on sale.

- CM Punk is currently reluctantly cracking a smile.

- The number of people with the letters "MMA" appearing in their Twitter handles is expected to skyrocket with the Punk announcement.

- Last week's poll results are in, and 59% of you wanted the chance to lay in bed with Tammy Sytch for Christmas, 21% wanted a new YouShoot where Jim Cornette fantasy books the second season of Serial with Santino Marella becoming a murderer, 17% wanted a Tickle Me Elmo, and 3% wanted your restraining orders against AJ Lee lifted. THIS WEEK: