Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ Stories of the Year

Daniel Bryan was at the center of the news this year. WHO ELSE JOINED HIM?
Photo Credit:
Well, well, well, if it isn't HORB FLERBMINBER, back again this week not to dish out the scoops, but to give you a recap of ALL THE BIGGEST, JUICIEST, HORNIEST wrestling stories of the year. This year was one of the MOST EVENTFUL YEARS on record. The moves were HOT and the takes were HOTTER. In fact, maybe all the WRESTLING SCOOPS have contributed to GLOBAL WARMING instead of carbon emissions and whatnot. MAYBE CONGRESS SHOULD REGULATE WRESTLING? Wait, what am I saying? KEEP YOUR FILTHY MITTS OUTTA MY PRO WRESTLING, CONGRESS. Buncha clowns, AM I RIGHT?

Anyway, just because I'm not mining the FRESH SCOOPS this week doesn't mean I'm not taking tips anymore. Do you have news? Do you want to see it disseminated? Do you not mind surrendering all credit for said news to ME ME ME? Then send your juiciest, rawest, MOST FLAVORFUL tidbits as well as information gleaned from the Sony hack to Please though, no more friend requests for Friendster. I'm already on Myspace, LinkedIn, Ello, Adult Friend Finder, and The Furry Exchange. Oh, and Twitter! Twitter's the most important one. Follow me there @HorbFlerbminber.

Okay, now 2014 was a hectic, crazy, eventful year. So many things happened that Google and Blogger would kick Holzerman off and send him STRAIGHT TO HELL WHERE HE BELONGS if I listed and analyzed them all here. I would do JUST THAT, but if I lose The Wrestling Blog as my home, no one else would take me. I've already tried to get Dave Meltzer framed for the kidnapping of the Olsen Twins in Slovakia, and Dave Scherer thinks I fucked his poodle. IT WAS ONLY PANTOMIME. I still don't have enough money raised to restart my site. So I am only giving you the BIGGEST THINGS TO HAPPEN IN WRESTLING THIS YEAR.


- WWE Network was officially announced at the E3 Convention in Las Vegas. The list of promises that Chairman Vince McMahon promised included all pay-per-views included for the monthly price of $9.99 (which would not become conspicuous at all over the year), complete archives of WCW, ECW, and WWE, immortality, live cams planted at the home of Jim Ross, a "get out of jail free" card for marijuana possession, and original series like Legends House.

- Mae Young passed away on January 14 of natural causes. Sources say the true cause of death, however, was that she wrestled the Grim Reaper, but was double-crossed by the promoter and lost on a screwjob.

- Batista returned to WWE and won the Royal Rumble much to the dismay of the live crowd. When asked about the reaction to his show, McMahon said "Those fuckers will come around on Batista. Don't they know by now that I know what's good for them? DON'T THEY?"

- The night after the Rumble event, CM Punk walked out of the company before RAW aired. This was an isolated incident and was not brought up at all during the rest of the year, especially by the fans.


- Chikara announced its return to action at the February National Pro Wrestling Day event. The announcement came after a group led by the Submissive Squadron and Icky Woods beat back the combined forces of evil that included Dieter from Sprockets, a Rubik's Cube, some Demolition cosplayers, and that guy from Age of the Fall... I forget who, uh, was it Joey Matthews? No, it was, yeah, Brodie Lee. Brodie Lee was part of the invading force.

- Lita was announced to be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame. Michael Hayes made headlines by emphasizing that she was a chick, but it was tasteful in comparison to his original cut, where he said the same thing, but only wearing S&M gear and a ballgag.

- Nelson Frazier, who many longtime WWE fans knew as Mabel, Viscera, and Big Daddy V, passed away on February 18. Sources say he's still waiting outside the gates of Heaven because he hasn't decided which persona he's going to use to enter the Pearly Gates as.

- WWE Network launched on February 24, and I'm still waiting for Starrcade' 83 to load on my Roku, goddammit.

- NXT's first live special, ArRIVAL aired February 27, ushering in a new era where the place that was supposed to be where wrestlers and staffers went to learn started upstaging the main roster at every turn.


- Buff Bagwell was outed as a male escort on the Showtime program Gigolos. His finishing move is named the Buff Cockbuster.

- Mike Bennett began trashing Beyond Wrestling on social media because of the company's model of wrestling at "secret shows" or "training sessions" for free being a waste of wrestlers' time. This interaction turned into a work, which proves that you can never trust what anything anyone in wrestling ever says as being their true feelings.

- The Wrestling Podcast ended, and that shitbag Holzerman NEVER HAD ME ON IT. WHAT A JERK. I HATE HIM.


- Brock Lesnar shockingly ended The Undertaker's legendary WrestleMania undefeated streak. Who knew all you had to do to beat Taker was give him a shoot concussion at the outset of the match, eh?

- Daniel Bryan ended WrestleMania XXX having defeated all three members of Evolution and won the WWE World Heavyweight Championship to the raucous approval of a packed Superdome. The natural reaction, of course, was for nerds everywhere to continue the referendum on him as a top guy by parsing ratings, analyzing merch sales, and wondering aloud how many new WWE Network subscriptions for the low low price of $9.99 he actually moved.

- Jeff Jarrett announced the formation of Global Force Wrestling, which elicited a stunned reaction from Dixie Carter, who thought Jarrett would just live out the rest of his life quietly in Mexico and not bother with the business that's been in his family for decades ever again.

- Ultimate Warrior passed away April 8, a mere days after his induction into the WWE Hall of Fame and rousing, now-eerie promo in front of a packed post-WrestleMania RAW, causing millions of people nationwide to pretend that he wasn't a hateful person who never recanted a single thing he said in order to mourn him.

- In the most shocking thing to happen this year, another ECW "tribute company" closed its doors abruptly. How these companies keep failing with ECW nostalgia always at this record high is beyond me.

- Steve Austin came out in favor of marriage equality on his podcast, causing several socially conservative fans of his to punch out their cowboy hats and shoot their iPods.

- Connor "The Crusher" Michalek, the longtime Daniel Bryan superfan and pediatric cancer sufferer, passed away April 25, confirming reports I heard that life, in fact, is cruel and doesn't care about anything except random chance and making people sad.


- Daniel Bryan was diagnosed with a serious neck injury that required major surgeries in the months that followed. No truth to the rumor that Vince McMahon paid off God in order to get Bryan off his TV so he could feature statuesque muscleheads who may or may not be able to work on his television with impunity again.

- CHIKARA RETURN SHOW RESULTS: Dieter from Sprockets and the two fattest Scandinavian guys ever d. Dr. Mantis Toboggan and Two Pumpkin Spice Lattes from Starbucks, Thurston Howell III d. a pair of Converse shoes, Noo Yawk Goblins d. Kizarny and two weirdos I've never heard of before, The Non-Union Mexican Counterpart of Ted DiBiase d. Adam Rose's Bunny, a bunch of random dudes in masks fought I don't know the result I was out getting hot dog sandwiches, that guy from Age of the Fall, who was it again? Oh, right, Lacey d. Steve Perry of the band Journey, and in the main event, Tattoo Guy beat Kofi Kingston for the Chikara Belt of Belts or some shit like that.

- It was discovered that every single major event in Western Civilization has been, in fact, a rib on Renee Young for not wearing shoes.


- WWE scuttled The Shield by having Seth Rollins turn on his two stablemates. Not coincidentally, that show was the same date RAW ceased being somewhat of a decent weekly venture.

- Rick Steiner's post-wrestling career as a realtor was revealed, leading many people to remark in amazement that he'd take a job that would require him to sell.

- Cody Rhodes helped deliver a baby on an airplane, but what no one BUT OL' HORB reported, that baby wasn't a baby but an alien symbiote which attached to Rhodes and turned him into Stardust two weeks later.

- In the first season finale of Legends House, Pat Patterson came out of the closet and revealed to his housemates that he was, in fact, gay, thus blowing the lid on the worst kept secret in wrestling since Kerry von Erich's prosthetic foot.


- Emma was fired from WWE for allegedly stealing a phone case from Wal*Mart, but she was rehired when charges were never filed and it was discovered it was an accidental theft. WWE was skittish on rehiring her because, as corporations are people, the wrestling company did not want to hurt the feelings of Wal*Mart Stores, Inc.

- Santino Marella retired after irreparable damage was discovered in his funny bone.

- WWE signed Japanese wrestling superstar and Ring of Honor alumnus KENTA to a contract, hoping he can pick up in the line of great Asian superstars like Yokozuna, Gorilla Monsoon, and Lord Tensai.

- DJ Hyde purchased Women's Superstars Uncensored from former owner and current Beyond Wrestling founder and auteur Drew Cordeiro. Hyde's first act as booker was to put Jessicka Havok in a match where if she lost, she'd have to perform oral sex on the new owner. This angle drew rave reviews from the Reddit wrestling community, with everyone in agreement that they'd have booked the same exact match.

- The Estonian Thunder Frog was killed in a Chikara storyline. The grisly video which has since been taken down from YouTube showed him being shoved out into traffic and forced to cross a busy highway. He almost made it to the other side until a tractor trailer slammed into him. He was survived by three polliwogs and a cousin who is psychotropic toad that works for Inter Species Wrestling.

- Candice LeRae won the PWG Tag Team Championships with Joey Ryan at the company's anniversary show after Super Dragon got confirmation that he couldn't catch cooties from touching the same title belt that she did.


- The Young Bucks and Booker T ended the most bitter rivalry in pro wrestling by shaking each other's hands. However, the feud was immediately rekindled when both Young Bucks took to Twitter about how they invented the handshake and how Booker T wouldn't nearly have been as over if he shook hands with someone else. Then they too-sweeted each other and superkicked the RockNES Monsters for good measure.

- Spike TV announced it was severing ties with TNA Wrestling at the conclusion of their current television deal because the company hired Vince Russo despite the warnings against doing so. This is the second wrestling promotion that Russo has had a hand in killing. In other news, the second season of the NPR podcast Serial will chronicle Russo's exploits in murdering promotions.

- Alberto del Rio was fired from WWE after assaulting a social media manager for using racially insensitive language against him. According to sources in WWE, del Rio would still have a job today if he had just kept his head down, realized that racism is over, and that it's okay for white people in power to make these kinds of comments.

- Kevin Steen signed a developmental contract with WWE, which left ROH with only two interesting wrestlers left on its roster.

- At SummerSlam, Brock Lesnar defeated John Cena in a relative squash match to win the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. Incidentally, the number of blood blisters caused by wrestling fans pinching themselves to see if what they had just seen was a dream dramatically increased as well.

- Kazuchika Okada won the annual G1 Climax Tournament, and punched his ticket to WrestleKingdom 9 to face IWGP Champion Hiroshi Tanahashi. The event, scheduled for January 4, 2015, has actually already happened in Japan due to time zone differences. In fact, New Japan Pro Wrestling in real time is actually in the midst of the 2018 G1 Climax, where the finals are contested by Daichi Hashimoto and CM Punk.


- Michael Elgin lost his ROH World Championship to Jay Briscoe, and immediately afterwards backstage, he was served notice that his visa had expired. However, the visa issues had nothing to do with ROH's decision to have Elgin lose. He had made several overtures to baseball teams via Twitter to try out for them. ROH COO Joe Koff was quoted as saying that Elgin might still be Champion today if he had made overtures towards a good team like the Orioles or the Nationals and not the fucking St. Louis Cardinals.

- Speaking of Briscoe, ROH is relieved that it hasn't had to reset its "Days since the World Champion Said Something Bigoted" counter since he won the belt. The current count is at 589 days.

- Sean O'Haire passed away September 8, but I'm not telling you anything you already didn't know.

- King of Trios this year was won by the Demolition Constitution, a team that consisted of Lance Uppercut, Minge Codcruncher, and Jor-El Atomicbombexplosion.

- Beyond Wrestling had its September Fete Music show cancelled after a shooting took place outside the nightclub the night before the show was to take place. Additionally, the Good Taste Police have cancelled the joke I was going to write for this item because guns are no laughing matter.


- Several dirtsheets reported that Steve Austin was training for a comeback based on something he said on one of his podcasts. However, Austin clarified that he wasn't training for a comeback, but he sang "It's Raining Men" at karaoke at the Rib Rack the Thursday before that episode had recorded.

- Willie Mack was released from his WWE Developmental contract before he even reported to the Performance Center. Sources say that he was released when WWE found out he was a Juggalo, which the FBI considers a gang.

- Vine videos with crudely-implemented insertions of Randy Orton doing RKOs were all the rage for a hot second in October. However, the craze died when someone made a Vine of Orton taking a shit in someone's handbag. Way to ruin the fun for everyone, jerk.

- Ox Baker passed away October 20. However, his moustache survived until November 4.

- Nicole Matthews got into some hot water by loosing a fireball in Madison Eagles' face en route to winning the SHIMMER World Championship. Eagles thought she was going to be given a shot of Fireball Whiskey, but apparently, the lines of communication were tangled.


- Ring of Honor decided it would enforce exclusivity on its wrestler contracts, meaning that contracted talent could no longer work for promotions like Pro Wrestling Guerrilla. Between this and WWN Live touring China regularly in the future, PWG officials are terrified at the prospect of booking more women or having to utilize the talents of wrestlers already in Southern California.

- Due to the success of the first WWN Live tour in China, expect Gabe Sapolsky to start tweeting this more: 如何是飼料?

- Jim Ross was announced to be the play-by-play announcer for the English language broadcast of WrestleKingdom 9. Man, if he thinks ROH needs to slow it down and use some psychology, I can't wait for his reaction to NJPW.

- From this date forth, November 23 shall be known as STINGSMAS!

- Colt Cabana released his Art of Wrestling episode featuring CM Punk on Thanksgiving, which is appropriate since most wrestling journalists in 2014 would have been thankful for any kind of reliable nugget to report about Punk during the year.


- In response to the Punk podcast, Vince McMahon went on the Steve Austin show to clear the air, but instead, his comments just made the atmosphere even hazier with steam shooting out of nearly every wrestling fan's ears.

- I DVRed the Chikara finale. NO ONE TELL ME IF THE CHICK FROM FROZEN IS ABLE TO SAVE STORYBROOKE, OKAY? Wait, you mean Chikara ISN'T airing in the 8PM timeslot on Sunday nights this year on ABC?

- CM Punk announced that he's going to do UFC, which is totally different than The Rock swooping in from his other career to do wrestling nowadays. TOTALLY.

That's it, those are the stories that MATTERED in 2014. If you can think of anything else, then cram it, nerd. I AM THE SCOOP DISPENSER. YOU CONSUME, OKAY? AHAHAHAHAHA.