Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Issue 13

What did OL HORB think about WrestleKingdom?
Photo via Ringside News, uncredited
Happy New Year, SKOOPZ fans, your old buddy HORB FLERBMINBER is back with all the juiciest news tidbits that happened over the changing of the calendars. Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ celebrates another year publishing only the most valid and most SCINTILLATING wrestling news, rumors, and New Year's traditions. For example, which pro wrestling executive gets a FULL BLOOD TRANSPLANT every New Year's Day from Thai orphans? The answer will surprise you! This is information you can only find out from ME and maybe Dave Meltzer when he's not too busy counting the individual specks of cocaine snorted by Jon "Bones" Jones. But will Big Dave give you a free used tissue stolen from Gabe Sapolsky's pocket with every newsletter? Yes, he will, and that's why you should read me, because ew, that shit is gross.

Of course, I cannot do what I do without the help of witless jerks... err, I mean, great tipsters like you. I need people to send me all the tips they can, and I need them to be okay with me not giving them a single iota of credit for said tips. News is a rough business, and I AM UP FRONT ABOUT STEALING YOUR TIPS. Anyway, send me everything you know to Also, if you're not following me on Twitter, then I hope your house gets mold and you end up as a Stark in the Game of Thrones Universe. But you can rectify your errors and get on my good side by following me @HorbFlerbminber. Forget getting up to the second scoops. YOU WILL GET NEWS FROM THE FUTURE. Like what wrestler is going to make news in 2016 by turning his penis into a gatling gun and shooting his BABY GRAVY all over the window of a Zumba class? You'll just have to follow me to find out.

You can get back issues of Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ, but only if you're really, really good, and you don't do anything stupid like knock over a liquor store and use the money to build a tower that projects images of the middle finger right in Bryan Alvarez's window at all hours of the day. In fact, now that the Christmas seasons is over, SANTA CLAUS HIMSELF and not the knockoff MICK FOLEY version is using his powers of seeing you when you're sleeping and knowing when you're awake to let me know which of you is worthy of getting back issues of my newsletter.

I've also gotten into knitting tail coozies for pets. It's winter time, and the tails of your cats and dogs are exposed to the bare elements. THEY COULD GET FROSTBITE. So I have invented the INGENIOUS product of putting a covering on their tails so that ALL EXTREMITIES can stay warm. Don't believe me? Ask Tara Dactil of Jersey Shore, PA for a testimonial:
I ordered a tail coozie, and I got a box of condoms. Uh, I could have paid like $20 less at my local drug store.
Another satisfied customer.

Also, remember the Alamo.

- The biggest news from this past weekend was the utter and conquering success of WrestleKingdom 9, only the greatest professional wrestling spectacle known to mankind and all other sentient beings that may or may not exist in the known universe. Once the show was finished, I stood up and shed a tear. I DIDN'T EVEN CRY WHEN MY FATHER DIED OF THE CONSUMPTION. I gave every match five stars EXCEPT the main event, which I gave SEVENTEEN STARS. You just can't buy storytelling like that, how the brave old veteran stood up for his turf and REFUSED to put over the young star. It was an emotional clash for the ages.

- John Cena once again reinforced Vince McMahon's "brass rings" comment again in interviews all over the country. When will he learn to put younger talent over?

- Jon Jones benzoylecgonine, as secondary metabolites on 4 December 2014 announced the Nevada State Gaming Commission to visit without monitoring test found cocaine in drug treatment, which will come into Tuesday programs: UFC light heavyweight.

Smoking World Anti Agency (Nevada), because it is Jones, a 27-year-old can not be removed competition, and after graduation, not, or Daniel Cormier January unanimous victory over the third weekend a decision.

- CM Punk is currently moving into his gym so he can train every waking moment of his life for his hugest match ever in UFC. Sources say that he even paid Corey Graves to go on vacation with his wife AJ Lee in Puerto Rico so that no one would suspect a thing.

- Dixie Carter spent the last of petty cash to sponsor herself trending on Yahoo! this afternoon. Sources say that because of the move, Sanada and DJ Z will be working the next set of tapings for free.

- Vince McMahon sent out an interoffice memorandum, typed up by his secretary on her Underwood typewriter and reproduced by mimeograph, stating that he believes NXT to be "overrated." He would go onto claim that the stars of the developmental program didn't have the drive or desire as young whippersnappers like Rico Constantino, Diamond Dallas Page, and Jack Brisco have. No one had the heart to tell him that Brisco had passed away a few years back.

- The current card for WrestleMania is as follows: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. It could, I am told, change at any moment to (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻ or possibly to Sting vs. Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar.

- The roster was very unhappy after Monday night's episode of RAW. If Dolph Ziggler, Ryback, and Erick Rowan could be fired for no reason, then what's stopping The Authority from firing everyone, willy nilly?

- Taz has launched a new podcast, which proves that the wrestler podcast bubble has officially popped.

- It's a new month, so wrestling news sites are anxiously awaiting their new shipments of "IS AJ LEE LEAVING WWE?" news stories with baited breath. Sources say that the shipments should arrive no later than Friday.

- Christian refuted Jerry Lawler's assertion that he had retired from last week's episode of RAW by saying he is active and working towards a return to a WWE ring. However, in the process, he tore his calf muscle and herniated the C4 disc in his vertebra, and will require extensive surgery to repair both injuries. He will be out for another six-to-eight months.

- Vince McMahon announced that the WWE Network will finally be available to the UK and Ireland starting January 19. However, the service will be more expensive for British and Irish subscribers to defray the cost of adding a superfluous "u" to several words on the chyron.

- Inspire Pro Wrestling drew so many people to its latest show that it violated the Marchesa Theater's fire code, but please, go ahead and say that wrestling is dead outside of WWE in America.

- Rey Mysterio's contract will not be automatically renewed by WWE, and he will be free to pursue other wrestling endeavors in March when it expires. Mysterio celebrated by running through an open meadow, hands in the air and smile on his face, but in the process, he tore his right meniscus and will be out another six-to-eight months.

- Last week's poll results are in, and 44% of you said your wrestling New Year's resolution is to attempt treating women like second-class citizens instead of objects, 25% said you were only going to pirate wrestling shows if the promoter was a scumbag, 21% said you would only Skype with Sunny once every other week instead of twice a week, and 10% said you would stop hate-watching RAW all the damn time. This week's poll: