|Do you want all the HOT ROLLINS TAKES? Horb's got 'em!|
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Now when I bring the news nuggets, I bring them with THE FURY AND THE SWIFTNESS, but I can't do it alone. I need help, lots of help, from several tipsters who either don't mind if they get no credit or who don't know what the word "plagiarism" means. If you fit either one of those descriptions, you can e-mail me your most tantalizing leads and e-coupons for rectal bronzing to ProWrestlingSKOOPZ@gmail.com. And if you want all the SCOOPS that I have been delivering since the beginning of the Universe, which may not have had a beginning at all, you need to follow me on Twitter, @HorbFlerbminber. If you don't, then how will you know when Vince McMahon gives birth to an alien on the penthouse floor of Titan Towers? YOU WON'T.
Back issues of the newsletter are unavailable this week pending the settlement of a class action lawsuit from the town of Peoria, IL. I donated a metric ton of old newsletters that weren't moving to the school district as a contribution to their "Kick the Living Shit Out of Illiteracy" campaign as well as to line hamster cages. Well, APPARENTLY, those old newsletters were riddled with spelling errors WHICH WERE DONE AFTER I HANDED THEM IN FOR COPY, and the newsprint had mutagenic properties and now the hamsters are the dominant predators in Peoria County. So if you want an old copy, you'll have to wait until the suit is settled.
Also, SKOOPZ has a new sponsor this week, Hoffstadter's Edible Leiderhosen. This new product is a must-have for lovers who enjoy role-playing in the boudoir and who also have a voracious appetite before, during, or after intercourse. The leiderhosen come in an array of sizes and three different flavors: black licorice, lingonberry, and knockwurst. They also come endorsed by 2014 Album of the Year Grammy Award™ winner, Beck, who has this to say about the product:
Who the fuck are you and why are you stalking me?Oh that Beck.
Also, don't forget, you're here forever.
- A nude picture of NXT developmental talent Zahra Schreiber appeared on Seth Rollins' Twitter feed Monday night before RAW. Shortly thereafter, a picture of Rollins naked and fully-frontally exposed appeared on his fiancee's Twitter. In an attempt at damage control, nude pictures of Roman Reigns were posted on every other WWE employee's Twitter and Instagram feeds with enhancements made around the penile area. Yes, even in nude pictures, WWE policy is to keep Reigns looking strong.
- In the wake of that scandal, the top trend on Twitter, oddly enough, was "How big is Batista's dick?"
- Vince McMahon has CHANGED the course of WrestleMania's main event from Roman Reigns vs. Brock Lesnar to Roman Reigns vs. Brock Lesnar vs. Daniel Bryan after he was shown this advertisement and told that it's what happens to old promoters if they don't listen to the fans.
- New booking committee member Mr. Yelsmleh suggested that the main event be changed to Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar. He almost got away with it until Kevin Dunn accidentally knocked off his fake moustache, revealing him to be Triple H.
- Of course, these plans are HARD AND FAST and are not subject to any kind of changes, not even if McMahon has indigestion from putting too much Texas Pete on his cheeseburger.
- Dolph Ziggler has now gotten so desperate for a WrestleMania match that he's considering asking Zack Ryder. Even Ryder is balking, because getting tossed within the first minute of the Andre the Giant battle royale and stuffing his face at craft services sounds more appealing.
- FUTURE BOOKING PLANS FOR NJPW: The Bullet Club is planning on splitting in two, Bullet Club Classic and Bullet Club Wolf Party. Hiroshi Tanahashi is expected to join the Wolf Party faction, as it will be the "cooler," more hip version of the faction.
- CM Punk's mood is said to be perturbed.
- NATIONAL PRO WRESTLING DAY RESULTS: Juan Valdez d. Fire Crotch, Road Warrior Beardo d. Enron Corporation, The Gentlemanly Dairy Corporation read Shakespeare in the Park, some douchebag held up a "HE'S FAT" sign at a dude with a lower BMI than half the crowd, and a huge orgy happened at the end of the show.
- For those clamoring for Chris Benoit WWE Hall of Fame, so you can not keep the commandments, but you can watch the fight Thiago Silva on the NBC Sports Network 3/28. Ronnie Mark Silva faces of commercial theater in Nanjing on NBC Sports demonstrations led by Vs. Justin Gaethje Palomino Louis. Silva vs. Mark is part of the night race shows that there are serious enemies against Matt Hamill in the title.
- Family Wrestling Entertainment held a show Saturday night where the fans were told to keep quiet so they could pretend to give the world a whole card of empty arena matches.
- Vince Russo had Chyna on a live edition of his podcast this past weekend, and surprisingly, he didn't make a single clearly transphobic comment.
- TNA NEWS: Apparently, TNA still exists.
- This week on the Steve Austin show, Peter Rosenberg's two-part interview airs on both episodes this week. The first episode is Austin confused at Rosenberg saying "adjace" every other word, and the second episode is Rosenberg explaining what "adjace" means and Austin audibly banging his head on the desk in response.
- SMACKDOWN SPOILERS: Big Show turns 23 times within the first hour alone.
- WWE will tour Abu Dhabi next week and will enjoy the status as the most progressive organization in town.
- UFC has selected Weezer's "We Are All on Drugs" as the company's new theme song.
- Last week's poll results are in, and 57% of you think Daniel Bryan is only "catchphrase over," while 31% think he's over-over, and 12% think he's Moon over My-Hammy. This week: