Friday, March 27, 2015

Dispatches from the Lake: The Lady’s Guide to Surviving WrestleMania 31

You're not excited after THIS BUILD? Well, then, survival tips are below for you
Photo Credit:
Hello friends. You wouldn’t know it, but WrestleMania is only days away. While I’m tempted to just roll my eyes, let out my best Jay Cutler-esque ‘Who Cares?’, and then play StarCraft all of Sunday, I’ll suck it up for you, gentle reader, and run down the card with tips on how you can survive the Show of Shows.

There’s only one thing that is absolutely necessary. I give you permission to ignore everything else if you follow this golden rule: You must watch this crap with someone. You need someone to talk to while the commentators are babbling incoherently over the wrestling and to hold you as you gently weep while clutching the confetti you saved from last year.

Pre-Show: Tyson Kidd and Cesaro (c) vs. Los Matadores vs. The New Day vs. The Usos

You have four hours and can’t find time to fit this match on the main card? If we get a member of each team in the ring at the same time, I’m looking forward to some frenetic action. Either way, Rikishi is going into the Hall of Fame the night before WrestleMania, so keep an eye out for an Usos’ win.

Survival Tip: Keep an eye on the ringside shenanigans. Each team will have a valet, and with any luck, Natalya will start power bombing the shit out of anyone who gets uppity.

André the Giant Memorial Battle Royal

Apparently also on the pre-show? The Intercontinental Title match better be like 45 minutes long.  I’m calling for the same thing I wanted in the Royal Rumble. The Miz gets tossed and Mizdow goes to follow him, but hesitates, instead flipping off his dick head boss and goes on to win the whole thing. I need him to have his moment in the sun. I still have nightmares about his Money in the Bank cash in attempt.

Survival Tip: The AtGMBR participants deserve better. Not all of them, but most do. So you can spend the entirety of the match discussing who has been wronged the most over the last year.

Intercontinental Championship Ladder Match: Bad News Barrett (c) vs R-Truth vs Dean Ambrose vs Luke Harper vs Dolph Ziggler vs Stardust vs Daniel Bryan

Match of the night contender. These guys can all put on a great show when given the opportunity and time. R-Truth will be there also.

Survival Tip: Just watch the boys do their thing, and reflect on how we all thought that last year was going to usher in some kind of new era in the WWE. Then, reflect on how we’re all idiots.

United States Championship Match: Rusev (c) vs John Cena

A giant, spoiled man-child with a warped sense of right and wrong will win the irrelevant United States Championship with his shitty submission maneuver on a proud foreign hero because ‘MURICA.

Survival Tip: Vodka. Lots of vodka.

AJ Lee and Paige vs The Bella Twins

After RAW’s match between Paige and Nikki Bella, we have the potential for a sleeper match of the night here. It’s Paige’s first Mania, so I have a feeling she’s going to come out swinging hard.

Survival Tip: When the crowd starts with the CM Punk chants, drown those out with AJ Lee chants in your living room. When the commentary team starts in on how bitches be crazy, hit the mute button.

The Undertaker vs Bray Wyatt

A match overshadowed by the need for Wyatt to win, even though the specialness of said win will be hollow after Taker’s loss last year. I’m hoping that if Undertaker does lose, he disappears in a flash of smoke and lightening, which Wyatt then inhales through his lantern. He then rises ten feet in the air and summons the entity he knows as Sister Abigail. It is then that the end begins.

Survival Tip: It took three F5’s to take down the Undertaker last year, take a swig of bathtub moonshine for each of the fifteen Sister Abigail's Kisses it will take to put him down this year.

Randy Orton vs Seth Rollins

Why are we having this match? As far as I’m concerned, Orton already got his comeuppance on Rollins a few weeks ago.

Survival Tip: Seriously, didn't Orton get retribution a few weeks ago? I'm confused. Does anyone know why this is still going on?

Sting vs Triple H

Both these dudes have signature weapons. If we don’t get some kind of sword fight with the sledgehammer and the baseball bat, I don’t even know what we’re doing as a species.

Survival Tip: Watch Wrestling Isn’t Wrestling for the 31st time instead.

Brock Lesnar (c) with Paul Heyman vs Roman Reigns for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship

Brock re-signing with WWE makes the title match a whole lot more interesting. I still think it’s going to be a shit show, but all I’ll be dreaming about the next few days is the BEAST suplexing Reigns twenty times and retaining the title. Oh, how disappointed I’m going to be.

Survival Tip: Reigns is walking out champion. Just keep repeating this mantra to yourself. So if something different actually happens, you’ll be pleasantly surprised*.

* - Something different is not happening.