|DeMott is OUT and Horb's got the full rundown|
Photo via SportsKeeda.com
I am unparalleled in how thorough my scoop mining processes are, and I am without equal when it comes to news-breaking. Who was the first to let everyone know that the WWE Network gave off radiation that caused inflated appendix? IT WAS ME. But I can't be everywhere all the time. That is why I need YOU to be my eyes and ears. Not literally, of course. I wouldn't want to walk around looking like a FREAK with people in my eyes and on my ears. But anyway, if you have a hot tip, whether a news tip or a gardening tip (I'm growing weed, don't tell anyone), send it my way to ProWrestlingSKOOPZ@gmail.com. And if you want up to the femtosecond scoops, you need to follow me on the Twitters, @HorbFlerbminber. Not only will you get all the news when it happens, you'll get to see me harassing pertinent wrestling personalities in REAL TIME. Don't you want to see me try and Goatse Eric Bischoff? DON'T YOU?
If you want back issues of the newsletter, well, you're out of luck this week. However, if you want black issues of the newsletter, you're also out of luck because as soon as I offered them, the NAACP picketed outside my headquarters, which is amazing because I've never told anyone where they were. Since the cat's out of the bag, the SKOOPZ offices are located in a bunker in northeastern Montana, about 30 clicks south of the Canadian border. Of course, by the time you get there, it will have been flooded and booby-trapped with gas bombs. What kind of gas will it be? YOU'LL ONLY KNOW IF YOU GO THERE YOURSELF.
Sponsors for the newsletter are drying up. I don't know why. I mean, you default on one loan and all of a sudden, people don't want to give you money anymore. SO WHAT IF I CAUSED THE HOUSING BUBBLE TO BURST IN 2008? But I swear, if you want to invest your sweet, sweet cash with Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ, then contact me via the super-secret, encrypted telephone line I have set up. If you want the number, you need to contact Bryan Alvarez so he can tell Curt Hawkins to post as TheMetsFan on Reddit, which triggers a series of electronic impulses that awaken the Frost Giants in the Paarlahti Fjord to shoot an arrow with the number attached across the Atlantic Ocean to the Roman god Mercury, who'll personally deliver it to you.
In order to supplement reader newsletter sub fees, I am selling off rare artifacts that I have garnered from my trek across New Mexico in 2013. If you want these artifacts, send me a self-addressed stamped envelope to the following address:
725 Ponce de Leon Avenue NEI could tell you all about the products I have, but why should I tell you when I can show you testimonials from people who have partaken, like this one from Rick Rohl from Boca Raton, FL:
Atlanta, GA 30306
I ordered an artifact, and the box said "REAL LIVE BLUE METH COOKED BY WALTER WHITE." When I opened the box, it was just shards of glass haphazardly colored blue in washable blue marker. One of the shards cut my finger. I had to go to the hospital. I'm gonna kill that Horb Flerbminber.Another satisfied customer.
- The week's biggest story is that Bill DeMott has resigned from his position as WWE's head trainer amid scandal. He admits that he's done nothing wrong, but since Jim Ross, Chris Jericho, Doc Gallows, and Lance Storm have all come out in support of DeMott, it's clear he's guilty as fuck.
- Upon hearing the news that DeMott was leaving, Enzo Amore, whom DeMott repeatedly told that he wished he was dead, jumped up in the air in celebration. He pulled his groin and immediately recoiled out of reflex since the punishment for pulling a groin under DeMott was to run suicides. However, instead, Amore received actual medical care.
- Matt Bloom has been named as DeMott's replacement as head trainer, which means finally, these fucking jerkoff gaijin students will learn some strong style.
- Lisa Marie Varon's Chicago restaurant, The Squared Circle, was invaded yesterday by a gun-brandishing intruder. Varon's husband subdued the intruder with a takedown, however. Afterwards, Varon posted the criminal's phone number on Twitter and spurred her followers to leave him harassing messages.
- SMACKDOWN SPOILERS: The show ended with Dean Ambrose and Dolph Ziggler calling Daniel Bryan a turd, which means Vince McMahon is back writing both shows.
- Laila Alidisse execution of the camera in a statement on Saturday, TMZ stopped to ask Rossi, Ronda, and said it is more important is that no one can win the fight, said Ronda. This is a clear breach of the resignation, without regret ambush.
- Paul Heyman said in a promo Monday night that Brock Lesnar was going to attempt to unify the WWE and UFC Championships. Even though nothing gets on the show without explicit approval from Vince McMahon anymore, maybe this was the one line that was a shoot, which means LESNAR IS WINNING AT WRESTLEMANIA.
- Samoa Joe is not taking any indie dates after April 20, because he'll be too damn high to work anywhere. FOUR-TWENTY, BITCHES.
- Connor "The Crusher" Michalek will be posthumously given "The Warrior Award" and inducted into the Hall of Fame. When asked why Michalek was chosen to be first recipient of the award named after last year's marquee inductee, WWE Chief Brand Officer Stephanie McMahon said, "Well, we've retconned so much other shit lately that what's pretending Warrior was a good-hearted, decent person on top of the pile?"
- Melina addressed why she broke up with John Hennigan, saying "Well, when he got his penis reduced and the bio mass placed in his abdomen to create his ninth and tenth abs, well, I took that as the final straw."
- The Bella Twins announced on Total Divas that they wouldn't be renewing their WWE contracts, which I'm sure will totally not be used as dramatic fodder for the next season of the show.
- Wiz Khalifa's appearance on RAW this past Monday drew mixed reviews, although the most prevalent line was "They never shoulda let Cena spit with Wiz Khalifa."
- TNA NEWS: Wait, do I really have to report news on this company? You mean it's not a tax shelter for Dixie Carter? For real?
- Rey Mysterio appeared at the House of Hardcore show at the ECW Arena Saturday and remarked about how the renovation cut down on hypodermic needles and crack vial trash by 34%.
- Black History Month vignettes have been taken down from the WWE Network because WWE only cares about African-Americans during February.
- Last week's poll went missing because it was attached to the Intercontinental Championship. This week: