Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Issue 22

Will Lesnar be back? HORB HAS THE ANSWER
Photo Credit:
Guess who's back to claim your souls for the Dark Lord in exchange for all the news, gossip, and analysis that you can cram in your unwashed, ungrateful maws? THAT'S RIGHT, IT'S ME, HORB FLERBMINBER. You thought you could escape my wrath and vengeance this week? NOPE, no escaping of the Horb shall be had by anyone. I WILL THROW NEWS AT YOU LIKE ZEUS THROWS LIGHTNING BOLTS AT THE PLEBES. I make jabronis like MetsFan4Ever cower in fear. Compared to him, I am MetsFan5Ever! I make it rain news like I'm a mixture of Walter Cronkite and Kazuchika Okada.

Of course, while I am plunged in the news mines, pulling out nuggets with my bare hands and sometimes MY TEETH, I need help to get all the stories possible. You can help me by sending all the tips you can, whether frosted or unfrosted, to my e-mail address, Send it all my way: rumors, slander, links to various sites that link chemtrails to vaccines. I WANT IT ALL. But if you want the STRAIGHT DOPE hooked right to your brain, you need to follow me on Twitter, @HorbFlerbminber. Do you want to know who will defeat Brock Lesnar for the title, and why it'll be Hacksaw Jim Duggan at this year's Battleground? THEN FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER, JERKS.

If you want back issues of the newsletter, you can rummage around in the big depository of issues that was excavated in the foothills of the Canadian Rockies in eastern Alberta. They're not organized or even piled neatly, and some of them have been tainted with a rare strain of anthrax that has no antidote or cure. But all the best issues are there, including my expose on the ties between All-Japan Pro Wrestling and the yakuza. So what if the findings were proven wrong and I was sued for libel by Giant Baba's widow and Kenta Kobashi?  IT WAS GOOD READIN'.

My dog Bobo ate dog food tainted with depleted uranium and needs stomach surgery bad. I can't afford the payment because all my funds are tied up in a civil suit over me running over Dave Meltzer's dog after I thought he was the one who tainted my dog's food. As it turns out, never buy dog food on the black market. Anyway, you can donate funds to my Kickstarter, found here.

Remember November.

- The biggest scoop of the week is that MetsFan4Ever is reporting that Brock Lesnar's contract negotiations are going well and that Vince McMahon is considering keeping the belt on him on a special attraction schedule. In light of this news, expect it to be a mortal lock that Lesnar walks back to UFC and Roman Reigns wins the title at WrestleMania.

- The report noted that plans are subject to change in WWE, which is confirmed by my sources inside the company that say the plan for Mania now is for Dusty Rhodes to come back and pin Reigns and Lesnar at the same time while Ronda Rousey appears just to call Daniel Bryan a turd.

- Triple H is pushing for the United States and Intercontinental Championships to be elevated in prominence by having John Cena and Daniel Bryan hold them respectively and taking on all comers. McMahon was seen scribbling in his notepad to change the booking plans to have R-Truth and Great Khali holding the belts by the end of the RAW the next night after Mania.

- Kevin Owens has undergone a partial meniscectomy and will be on the shelf between four-and-six weeks. Alex Riley was heard politicking backsrage to get a run with the title in Owens' absence. When he was denied, he raged. He raged so hard, man.

- WWE needs to stop running its best, young stud athletes against Big Show and Kane. Why waste time putting guys who can work against big wrestlers who can't? In other news, Kazuchika Okada is scheduled to face Bad Luck Fale at Invasion Attack. Should be a dandy!

- Rey de Reyes was rained out on Sunday, and the attempt to reschedule for the following Monday was thwarted by a Mexican holiday. Rumors say that it will be rescheduled along with the 2012 Chikara Countdown Showdown and the WWE Network-exclusive launch of the cruiserweight-centric show.

- Ring of Honor has been pushing for the Young Bucks to sign an exclusive contract, but the Bucks are stalling because they don't want to give up lucrative dates in New Japan or Pro Wrestling Guerrilla. They also are keeping their ears open for WWE offers, or if WCW magically reappears out of nowhere and Ted Turner hands out six-figure contracts like old people give out Necco Wafers on Halloween. Literally nothing is set in stone at this point, not even the Bucks' very existence, as they could be figments of Booker T's imagination that spread by contagious psychosis. I mean really, who else but wrestling fans have seen the Jackson brothers?

- Plans for RAW this week include Bill Simmons offering a feature columnist gig to Roman Reigns, Snoop Dogg to release his new song, "Yo, Roman Reigns Is the Dizzity Dawg and Y'all Should Like Him," and for the surprise returns of Ashley Massaro, Candice Michelle, and Kelly Kelly all fighting over who gets to receive Reigns' seed and carry his son to lead the Dothraki horse lords into new prominence on the continent of Essos.

- Jey Uso has been injured and will be out of action. WWE officials are unconcerned because he's not the one married to Naomi.

- Vince McMahon's Bentley, which was stolen several months ago, was found in the Bronx. The car was mainly unmolested except for trash strewn across the back, as well as a laptop logged into Reddit as MetsFan4Ever and the spare keys to the Create-A-Pro Wrestling School hidden under the floor mat.

- Liz Carmouch, Firas Gospel and Tony Luft Air announced new team to compete against the Titans fund CBS Sports. They start at 11:00 am, Eastern 3/20 and showed four game titles. You know things are quite a Friday night. Fur is a great event, and former UFC fighter vs. Kurt Holobaugh. Chase Gormley's Desmond Green, John Madsen, director Pat Healy and Cody Bollinger and programs would be.

- Kevin Nash is expected to be the final name added to the WWE Hall of Fame in this year's class. Sources say that the trailer into which he threw Rey Mysterio on Nitro will induct him.

- Frank the WWE Clown has made a statement about the fans who were made to change out of their wrestler cosplay. "I agree with WWE here. I have paid my dues so my situation is totally diff... hey, wait, WAIT, WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING AT ME? Come back! AND YOU, WHY DON'T YOU AT ME ON TWITTER IF YOU'VE GOT SOMETHING TO SAY. I AM NOT A JOKE. STOP IT. STOP IT NOW."

- TJ Perkins has reached an agreement to come back to the WWN Live family of promotions under the condition that he appear on no shows with women and that all SHINE and SHIMMER talent stay at least 50 yards away from his musk at all times.

- NFL linebacker Chris Borland retired from the league after one year due to concerns over head trauma. Former WWE head trainer Bill DeMott was quoted as calling Borland a "coward."

- Last week's poll results are in, and 88% of you think Brock Lesnar should unify the WWE and UFC Championships, while 11% of you think he should just go for the UFC title. The straggling 1% abstained from the poll for religious reasons, which I can respect. This week: