Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Issue 26

Is it back to the hospital for Daniel Bryan?
Photo via @WWEDanielBryan
So, it has come to my attention that you were waiting for HORB FLERBMINBER to dump his scoops ALL OVER YOUR BODIES this week. Well, you're in luck because I AM BACK, BABY. That's right, I am here to give you all the news, rumors, nuggets, baseless slander, and Mad Men analysis that you won't find anywhere else. For example, against whom is Seth Rolling going to feud with after Randy Orton, and how does this figure into the fate of Don Draper? NO ONE ELSE IS ASKING THOSE KINDS OF HARD-HITTING QUESTIONS. I am the King of Kings when it comes to this shit. EVEN JESUS CHRIST ASKS ME FOR WRESTLING NEWS.

But even though I am by far the best and brightest when it comes to breaking the hottest news and gossip, I need help being everywhere all the time. That's why I have an e-mail address for you to send tips to. You just need to follow two criteria. First, these tips have to be HOT HOT HOT. Second, you must be willing to forego all credit to ME, HORB FLERBMINBER of FLERBMINBER ENTERPRISES, LLC. If you're a bad enough dude to do both, then send your tips to Also, you definitely need to be following me on Twitter for all of the timeliest, juiciest, horniest scoops out there. Get to following @HorbFlerbminber, or else you'll never know what kind of noxious fume I plan on releasing at the ROH/NJPW show in order to get my ransom of all the epithelial cells they can scrape from Kazuchika Okada's mouth. I WILL GET WHAT I WANT.

If you would like back issues of the newsletter, then you'll need to listen and listen good. I don't take kindly to idle threats over here. If you're going to buy my fucking newsletter that I spend 167 hours a week writing, then you'd better fucking buy it. Don't be like some Bart Simpsonesque prank caller and ask to speak to Heywood Jablomé when he hasn't lived at my compound for months now. I ONLY WANT REAL PURCHASERS. And Ben Craven-Morehead isn't scheduled to move in until June. I will not be fooled by these trick phone callers. However, if you would like back issues of my newsletter, then please, by all means, contact me. How? What, do you want me to do ALL the work for you?

I've also taken jobs as a mover on the side. I will come to your house, apartment, condominium, or jail cell, and I will haul away your things for a reasonable price to your new place of residence for a flat rate plus expenses and gas mileage. I will treat your valuables with extra care. But why should I tell you about my services when I have TESTIMONIALS, this one from Frank Sinbeens of Moncton, NB:
I hired Horb to come over and move my boxes. I had 15 boxes to start, and only three made it to my house. Also, all my gold was gone, and the ashes of my mother were dumped out into my watercolors. I was so angry that I wet myself.
Another satisfied customer.

Please remember to wash your hands.

- Daniel Bryan was taken off the European tour after last week's Smackdown tapings because of injury concerns. Rumors stated that he had a concussion, a relapse of his neck injuries, and even the "jake-leg." Staff medical expert Dr. Gregory House mused that Bryan may have lupus. No one is entirely sure what he has, not even WWE medical staff.

- Bryan was taken off the tour immediately after he didn't get immediately better after taking a Z-Pak.

- Bryan's match with Wade Barrett at Extreme Rules is in question pending a doctor's visit. However, I can say without any trepidation that Bryan will not be cleared to wrestle after the doctors label him as a puny weakling who can't stand up to WWE's rigors like big strong ox of a man Roman Reigns, and all fans will be forced to apologize to Reigns in person.

- Barrett, meanwhile, was sidelined from RAW tapings this week after having intense, lucid flashbacks to when Jack Swagger put him on the shelf while he was Intercontinental Champion after hearing of Bryan's health troubles.

- Both joint Ring of Honor/New Japan Pro Wrestling War of the Worlds cards for Philadelphia have been announced, and let me tell you, if you're not excited for these shows, I hate you. I legitimately hate you in real life. I'm not kidding. I will spit in your face and call you ethnic slurs right in front of your grandmother.

- Seriously, I will burn your fucking house down if you're not up for matches like Roderick Strong vs. Hiroshi Tanahashi or Michael Elgin vs. KUSHIDA or Jay Lethal vs. Takaaki Watanabe. You piece of shit you.

- Tough Enough is returning, and the show is being revamped so that WWE actually picks a winner that won't flame out horribly like Maven or Andy Leavine or Daniel Puder or Nidia.

- Global Force Wrestling has announced that it will start touring minor league baseball stadiums in June. When asked what wrestlers will be on the shows, Jeff Jarrett fumbled papers, said "Uh, these ones!" and then threw a bunch of confetti at my face before running off.

- I did get a sneak peak at the booking sheet. The main event will feature Jeff Jarrett vs. Scott D'Amore. El Jefe Jarretta takes on The Masked Canadian. In a special ladies match, Karen Jarrett will battle Off-Brand Yoshihiko, and the opening card will be a scramble featuring Totally Not Jeff Jarrett Under That Mask, Dott Sc'Amore, and a dozen farm-fresh eggs.

- Taz and TNA Wrestling came to a mutual agreement to part ways this past week. Taz was gracious and thanked his former employers until he found out Dixie Carter used his back pay to have a power lunch at Sullivan's Steakhouse for her and nine of her closest friends.

- The inspiration for Randy Orton RKOing everyone out of nowhere on RAW last night came from the popular meme, "Chocolate Rain" by Tay Zonday.

- Daily News, United States, New York MMA, Abu Dhabi government in a number of prominent Jewish scholar in the article was published today that UFC 10 percent ownership vesavapune opposition. And "the Jewish community," a course in the country, which had been signed by a letter, will send the question of Jewish legislators. Group, the United Arab Emirates, one of the World Anti-Semitism in claims. TV commercials aired need to start. That signed the letter are 17 prominent Jewish leaders. MMA in New York trying to control is believed to be the latest step in, Fertitta brothers Station Casino, is not for the kitchen staff union Union. UFC also considered a US ally Chrysler Time Warner Center in New York, which is part of every building owner to see the government of Abu Dhabi. Party Queens Phil Goldfeder its politics and our economy to be used for playing hurt people said, "professional and non-Jewish Orthodox in New York to support a bill to legalize MMA. It's a tactic only to blur, "unlike the real problem.

- EVOLVE 42's Internet pay-per-view broadcast experienced poor stream quality, and at one point, the Internet in the building was turned off, leading to an abnormally long intermission and late ending to the show. As a makegood, Gabe Sapolsky and Sal Hamouai have offered a free retweet to anyone who ordered the show and was unhappy with their purchase on their birthdays.

- Seth Rollins has discontinued using the Curb Stomp because he finally saw American History X, and he really got fucked up in the brain over the beginning to the movie.

- Steve Austin criticized John Cena's use of the springboard stunner as a transition move, mainly because Cena doesn't flip the bird before performing the move.

- Jim Ross said "Nothing is etched in stone" regarding his work with WWE Network, but rather that all details of his contract will be written on paper with ink. This quote surprised observers as every other opinion Ross has is lodged firmly in the Stone Age.

- Dana Brooke will be headed to the Arnold Classic in Brazil in May, which will provide a brief respite in hot takes regarding her status in NXT.

- Bo Dallas drew raves for comparing Roman Reigns to Tim Tebow on RAW Monday. However, this comparison was not seen as fair to Tebow since he's at least won a Heisman and a college football National Championship.

- Last week's poll saw that 45% of you will be voting for Hilary Clinton, 24% for Marco Rubio, 21% for Ted Cruz, and 10% will be voting for Bob Backlund. This week's poll: