Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Issue 27

Photo via Rolling Stone
Alright you bastards, listen up. I'm HORB FLERBMINBER, and I'm only gonna tell you this once. I HAVE ALL THE SCOOPS THAT ARE FIT TO PRINT. You wanna trust Dave Meltzer? That's fine, but will he have the complete lineup of Ring of Honor superstars who will be getting live prostate exams on the weekly television show as part of the Super Beta Prostate ad campaign? NO HE WILL NOT. And don't you dare trust Dave Scherer to get you all the list of sponsors that Jon Bones Jones lost thanks to his hit and run arrest. I'VE GOT THEM HERE, including the list of brothels in Thailand who no longer immediately use his image illegally to promote their houses of sin. And if you for one minute think that Brandon Stroud will get his jaw broken trying to infiltrate CM Punk's compound for ALL THE HOT NEWZ, THINK AGAIN, JERKNOSE. I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO GOES THE EXTRA MILE FOR YOUR EDIFICATION.

Now, running that extra mile means that I have to rely on my faithful tipsters, readers, and fraud victims whose computers I have hacked into for information. If you haven't already gotten your personal electronic devices digitally invaded by yours truly and you have some information to pass along, then send it to Of course, if you want the best and brightest rumors and nuggets AS SOON AS THEY HAPPEN, then you need to be following me on Twitter, @HorbFlerbminber. If you don't follow me, then you'll miss out on my witty repartee with The Masked Lutefisk, or more importantly, my hilarious harassment of former WCW World Television Champion Lash LeRoux. Who cares if he's not on Twitter to take the beating?

Look, stop bugging me for back issues of the newsletter. I have been under a lot of stress lately, and haven't been feeling up to cataloging the back archives. So if you want to sample issues from the past like these:
  • 9/28/1780 - The COMPLETE rundown of the West Point Screwjob, when Benedict Arnold and King George conspired to screw George Washington out of the United States Championship.
  • 1/21/1971 - An EXCLUSIVE exposé on the seance that Vincent J. McMahon had to commune with the departed spirit of Ed "Strangler" Lewis. Lewis claimed that the ghost of Vladimir Lenin told him that if the WWWF Championship wasn't put on Ivan Koloff, he'd possess the spirit of Richard Nixon and turn America Communist.
  • 12/31/1981 - Special YEAR-END BLOWOUT issue where I give out special awards for fashion, mostly to Dusty Rhodes.
  • 6/19/1986 - Special obituary issue commemorating the life and times of Superstar Billy Graham. It comes with the 6/26 issue which is a full retraction issue seeing as his death was a hoax.
  • 10/2/1997 - Special double issue where I have an in-depth interview with Jumpin' Jeff Farmer.

This week, the newsletter is sponsored by Pro Wrestling Tees Suplex City line of shirts. Do you want to let the world know that you're going to Suplex City and don't feel like paying WWE money for its own intellectual property? Well, Pro Wrestling Tees has the product for you, at deeply slashed prices too. Get your shirt ordered from a wide variety of designs, colors, and ripped-off, I mean, "parodied" corporate logos before the cease-and-desist letter comes from Titan Towers!

This week, I'd like to formally announce that I am going into a side business of professional mudslinging. Political season is upon us, and if you think it's too early to start defaming your potential opponents for the upcoming races, think again. I will dig up dirt on your opponent and make it public so that it repels prospective voters. I will even set up explosive devices at polling places where  your opponent is projected to track well. My rates vary for whatever office, but I will defame anyone running for any office, as low as student councilperson and as high as the President of the United States. I WILL NOT BE DENIED. But if you want a firsthand testimonial, here's one from Les Winen of Springfield, IL:
I ran for City Comptroller last year, and Horb not only was able to photograph my opponent bringing 14 items into the 12 items or fewer lane at Food Lion, but he also drugged him, dragged him to a brothel, and documented it for the local newspaper. He even got me a free visit after he was done! Thanks, Horb!
Another satisfied customer.

Also, remember that I love you.

- The biggest news this week is that Billy Corgan has taken the lead job in TNA Creative, which confirms that Dixie Carter only hires people whose biggest hits happened before 1998.

- Samoa Joe was at the NXT tapings at Full Sail University last Thursday. However, he was there on a visit to the school to learn how to edit videos so he could become a "viral YouTube star" like the Chocolate Rain kid or Keyboard Cat.

- Daniel Bryan has been BUSTED for drug possession in upstate New York this past week. Reports say he was using the arrest as cover for his injuries, and that he's been hooked on hard narcotics for awhile. He also is confirmed to be either a shapeshifter or one of those Faceless Men from Game of Thrones, because when he was arrested, he took the form of a teenage boy.

- Dana White confirmed this week that Ronda Rousey's appearance at WrestleMania was a one-and-done deal, and that she is not cleared to appear or wrestle for WWE again. If WWE fans now want to see an egomaniacal woman who has said several questionable things in her life take to the ring, they'll have to wait for the next time Stephanie McMahon wants to wrestle.

- Wade Barrett won the King of the Ring tournament, so expect him to spend the next month alternating between jobbing to R-Truth and getting emasculated by various wrestlers pretending to love America and resenting the idea of the restoration of the British monarchy in the States.

- Eric Young was the host of last Thursday's playoff game for the home Nashville Predators against the Chicago Blackhawks. Also, Lana and Rusev were in the audience wearing Predators sweaters, all of which are reasons why the Predators lost the series in six games.

- CM Punk was quoted again saying that wrestling is fake and meant nothing to him. In other news, I've ripped up all my CM Punk posters and thrown my BEST IN THE WORLD shirt in the trash, because THEY NEVER MEANT ANYTHING TO ME, AND NEITHER DID YOU, PHIL BROOKS. THAT'S RIGHT, YOU KNOW IT'S REAL BECAUSE I USED HIS SHOOT NAME, DEAL WITH IT.

- Punk later took to Twitter to claim that he was taken out of context and that his one sentence was used as "clickbait." He then tweeted that "That oughtta keep those sons of bitches off my back" before realizing what he typed and deleting it.

- Eva Marie has been training hard with Brian Kendrick to improve ahead of an upcoming push she'll be receiving into SummerSlam. She's also been watching several older matches recommended to her by her trainer, including ones featuring Super Crazy, Tajiri, and Melina vs. Alicia Fox.

- Quinton fight with a powerful warrior, "body" kept in preferences Jackson won the appeal. Fabio Maldonado at UFC 186 in Montreal on Saturday that for single loads 215 pounds, where the fight will fight again, but I remember him as a lightweight hard fight. Yesterday ഇഎസ്പിഎൻ Brett Okamoto, on 25 April, has retained a court order to add, however, "he said OK," vague speculation, "warrior court" irreperable damage "Clearly, however, the Court found that the alleged actions of the defendant on the other hand, it would be it is not for damages can be beautiful. "It was Jackson, paid in full, and not Steve Bosse.

- Jackson has also stated that working for TNA killed his interest in wrestling, which gives him something in common with everyone who has ever watched TNA in the last five years.

- Combat Zone Wrestling is looking for several new behind-the-scenes employees, including graphic designer, video coordinator, and electronic-ankle-bracelet-remover.

- John Cena battled a 100 degree fever all last week, but he overcame the odds with a ton of orange juice, some vitamin C pills, and an Attitude Adjustment through a table.

- WWE will air an anti-domestic abuse PSA and remind its superstars of its zero-tolerance policy towards domestic violence Friday, right before the replay of the Floyd Mayweather/Big Show match runs.

- Last week's poll results are in. Apparently, 91% of you thought Extreme Rules sucked worse than anything that has ever sucked before sucked, while 9% voted for David Bubongo. Weird, he wasn't even one of the choices. This week: