Friday, May 15, 2015

LIST-O-MANIA: Ronda Rousey's Devious Plots to Get Back in WWE Ring

Rousey wants this scene to happen so badly she'll do anything
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Ronda Rousey's appearance at WrestleMania 31 set the sports and sports entertainment worlds abuzz with chatter of future dates with WWE. The biggest problem standing in the way of the most dominant athlete in the world today making the jump from MMA to pro graps, however, is her boss Dana White, who insists that her murking of Stephanie McMahon and Triple H in the blatant attempt to stall time for sundown for the Undertaker/Bray Wyatt match entrances was a one-off deal. However, she is apparently chomping at the bit to get back to WWE to whip some more Authority ass. The following is a list of measures she's willing to take to circumvent Mean Old Mr. White and his mumbo jumbo about "breach of contract" and "protecting his assets."
  • Paint a moustache on her face and enter WWE by turning her name into a spoonerism, "Ronda Rousey..." hey, wait a second.
  • Get an appearance on the Talk Is Jericho podcast and demonstrate to the host in person the most prominent move on his list of 1,004 holds several times, film the footage, and get it replayed on WWE TV a billion times.
  • Get White to turn his head by pointing behind him saying "Look over there" and just run off to the next WWE event she wants to wrestle at.
  • Convince White to hold UFC 192: Rousey vs. McMahon at the Barclay's Center in Brooklyn on August 23, 2015.
  • Build a cybernetic clone of herself that she can maneuver via remote control like in that movie Real Steel, but don't make it too smart that it becomes self-aware and evil like in that movie Avengers: Age of Ultron. Or was that the other way around? I don't know.
  • Bombard White's e-mail inbox with memes and threaten not to stop until she can wrestle another WWE special event.
  • On second thought, create a real working model of Ultron and threaten White with a robot invasion of UFC until she gets her way.
  • Ask if she can work the Gathering of the Juggalos instead.
  • Take another movie role in a film that is totally not a front for her to get back in a WWE ring I swear oh yeah co-starring with Dwayne Johnson and Dave Bautista too.
  • Ingest a shitload of HGH in hopes of failing a drug test so badly that she gets enough of a suspension that she can conspicuously show up at SummerSlam.
  • Expose to the world that Hulk Hogan's claims of being asked to be a part of UFC from the very beginning were all true as blackmail.
  • Loudly play the part from "Killing in the Name of" where Zach de la Rocha shouts "FUCK YOU I WON'T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME" over and over every time White is within a three yard radius of her.
  • Persuade Dave Meltzer to dedicate the next Observer completely to her... wait, he doesn't NEED persuasion to do that? He's doing it anyway?
  • Learn how to do all that fancy DragonBall Z shit in real life and go over 9000 on White until he relents.
  • Hire David Otunga as her new personal legal counsel.
Honestly, I can see all of those working, especially the first one.